Democrats Ask Brigitte Macron: What Is A Man?

The New York Times, a former newspaper, has obtained a document from the Democrat party outlining their plan to spend $20 million in an effort to win back male voters. The effort is being hailed as a continuation of the great Democrat tradition of wasting money without even beginning to solve a problem created by their own stupid ideas.

The document, entitled “How to Make Toxic Men Love Us Even As we Castrate their Sons and Turn Their Women into Fractious Whores,” includes a collection of ideas from a diverse committee of women, black women, men pretending to be black women and feminists who are sort of like women only feminist. The effort is being hailed as a continuation of the great Democrat tradition of forming committees on the basis of diversity and thus laying the groundwork for a hilarious catastrophe that was predictable to everyone except a diverse committee.

To add an international flavor to the committee, the Democrats reached out to French President Emmanuel Macron, who said, “I think in order to properly study men, we need to…” But he couldn’t finish, because his wife smacked him in the face.

At the heart of the Democrat’s effort is an attempt to learn how to speak to potential male voters by studying liberal men in their native habitats, like gay bars and the ballet. This attempt comes on the heels of the failed presidential campaign of what’s-her-name, that cackling semi-black girl, who chose Minnesota Governor Tim Walz as her running mate because of his ability to code-switch from talking like a homosexual serial killer to talking like a homosexual serial killer trying to sound like a regular guy.

In the wake of that failure, the Democrats hope to learn how to communicate with men online by — and, my hand to God, this is a real quote — “studying the syntax, language and content that gains attention and virality in men’s spaces.’” So, for instance, instead of just bluntly telling men it’s time for them to take a backseat and let women lead the way into a glorious female future of unreasoning chatter followed by helpless sobbing interrupted by snapping at anyone who tries to make them feel better, Democrats might now attempt to gain attention and virality by posting such male-coded messages as, “Hey, Bro, how about giving the chicks a chance for a change, and meanwhile pass me the soap with those attractive, muscular arms of yours.”

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To ensure their new man language is not limited to English-speakers, Democrats interviewed French President Emmanuel Macron, who said, “I believe in order to speak with men, you have to…” But he was unable to finish, because his wife smacked him in the face.

The document also suggests the party might want to change its hectoring tone of school-marmish moralizing, just in case that alienates some men or causes them to projectile vomit their last three beers into the face of the first Democrat they see. In order to help them stop moralizing, the Democrats have appointed a diverse committee to run a $50 million study entitled “What is Morality, and How is it Different from Sexually Mutilating Children in order to Pretend Gender is a Social Construct?” 

In a further effort to communicate with men, the Democrats are seeking to create a “new Joe Rogan” to head a popular male-oriented podcast. After a $75 million study by a diverse committee, the Democrats discovered that Rogan actually used to be a Democrat himself until he found out the Democrats were a bunch of Communist perverts. The Democrats feel they can fix that problem by replacing Rogan with some other bald man with a lot of tattoos, and hoping no one notices the difference.

To internationalize the appeal of the new Democrat Rogan, the Democrats sought advice from French president Emmanuel Macron, who said, “The whole secret to Joe Rogan is that…” But he was unable to finish because his wife smacked him in the face.

More recently, in a controversial move, the Democrats decided to add a man to their diverse study committee and, after a great deal of debate, they finally appointed Emmanuel Macron’s wife.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).