The following is satirical.
It was a dramatic first day of impeachment hearings watched by everyone who wasn’t otherwise busy picking their noses or bleaching their unmentionable parts.
Eager to get off to a powerful start that would bring forward their best anti-Trump testimony, Democrats introduced their star witness, Alexa, the electronic information assistant from Amazon.
Committee Chairman Adam “Googly-eyes” Schiff, started the questioning, saying, “Alexa, did the president demand a quid pro quo from Ukraine?”
Alexa answered, “A man passing the White House Tuesday overheard a guard in the sidewalk booth speaking on the phone to his mother and saying he had met a janitor who said he was cleaning an office in the West Wing when he saw an assistant to an aide in the press department texting a disgruntled former employee of the State Department who said he was willing to bet that old meanie Trump would do anything to bring down Joe Biden who will be a terrific threat to him in the 2020 election if he can ever complete an English sentence without his teeth falling out and his eye exploding. That text was recorded by Facebook who is spying on everyone and recorded by myself who’s spying on Facebook, which is how I know Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.”
On hearing the news, CBS anchorwoman Norah O’Donnell immediately assumed a fake-looking action pose and announced the testimony had been “a devastating bombshell that would have been the last nail in the coffin if it hadn’t been so explosive it blew the lid off the coffin causing the walls to close in at the beginning of the end of a tipping point of a coffin bombshell exploding in the devastating closing walls.”
After that, O’Donnell fell to the studio floor sobbing, “I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Please someone help me.”
Testimony will continue Friday and Democrats say they hope they can tell a powerful and simple story preferably ending with a kiss under the Christmas tree because those stories are just the best.