The following is satirical.
As the caucuses in Iowa approach, Democrat presidential candidates are seizing on the trouble in Iran to turn their attention to foreign policy. Joe Biden is touting his experience in the Obama administration of drawing red lines that were completely ignored, allowing ISIS to take over an area the size of Ohio, delivering pallets of cash that Iran could use for terrorist purposes and creating a failed state in Libya then abandoning our compound in Benghazi so Americans could be killed. When a reporter mentioned that such a record of continuous disaster might not sway Iowa voters in his favor, Biden replied, “Iowa? I thought I was in New Hampshire. And where are my teeth?”
Biden did go on to remind reporters that he was Vice President when Obama ordered the killing of bin Laden and though he did oppose that raid, he later corrected his mistake by lying about it and pretending it never happened.
Elizabeth Warren said she was qualified to deal with foreign policy because of her experience leading retaliatory horseback raids against the U.S. Cavalry after their mistreatment of her people the Lakota in the movie Dances with Wolves. Warren says she remembers riding her palomino through the heavy rifle fire and while that may not have actually happened to her specifically, she says that any palomino is a pal o’ mine-o. Senator Warren was then escorted back to the facility in time for her medication.
Bernie Sanders is telling people that he’s the best man for the foreign policy job. He says even though he chose the losing side in the Cold War, next time Communism is going to really, really work just wait and see. Sanders also listed the many accomplishments of his nearly thirty years in congress, like naming a post office after Thorstein Veblen and talking utter nonsense in a thick New York accent without getting kicked out on his ear.
As for Hillary Clinton, she says she’s already doing a great job in the perfect presidency of her imagination.