Many people feel that the trial of Donald Trump in New York is an unethical circus orchestrated by a bent prosecutor and overseen by a dirty judge in order to hamstring a political threat to a deep state so oppressive it can mobilize nefarious government corruptocrats to abuse our legal system in ways that would reveal the deepest malfeasance of an illegitimate establishment if the media taxed with exposing such venality were not itself a cesspool of anti-constitutional delusion fueled by a raft of absurdly illogical leftist academic theories piped into the minds of the gullible until they spread throughout the chattering classes like a sexually transmitted disease although the only people being screwed are those remaining members of the American public who yearn to breathe free as our founding fathers intended.
Other people think … something else. Maybe they aren’t watching the news. Possibly they’re just staring as if drugged at some mindless distraction like the Met Gala and wondering dimly: “Hey, how come Emily Rat-ah-koff-ska isn’t wearing any clothes? Doesn’t she have any friends to warn her not to degrade herself by walking around naked like a third rate Polish hooker? Nice rack though…”
What was I talking about?
Oh, yeah. Trump’s trial in Manhattan continued this week with testimony from porn actress Stormy Daniels, who says she is absolutely outraged that she agreed to sleep with Trump then extorted $130,000 out of him in return for keeping quiet about it, then talked about it.
Daniels testified that after her brief fling with Trump she “blacked out,” and “felt the room spinning” and found “her hands shaking” because she had never before had sex without getting paid and having a film crew present.
WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show
Trump’s lawyers moved for a mistrial, saying Trump was not being charged with sleeping with Daniels so the salacious testimony could serve no other purpose but to prejudice the jury. Justice Juan Merchan retired to his chambers to consider the motion with a stack of Daniels’ films and his personal roll of toilet paper with the Constitution printed on it. Ultimately, however, Merchan denied the defense motion, saying he didn’t see how the jury could be prejudiced when no one knows what Trump is being charged with anyway.
The New York Times, a former newspaper, immediately published an opinion piece excoriating Trump and saying his affair with Daniels was a perfect example of MeToo in that a porn actress agreed to have sex with someone in the hope of getting a guest shot on “The Apprentice,” and then pretended that was someone else’s fault besides hers — and a lot of Hollywood starlets said “Me-too.” The op-ed was one in a series the Times is running in which various writers try to explain what Trump is being charged with and the first one to come up with a plausible answer wins a Pulitzer Prize and a blank piece of paper that used to have the Fifth Amendment written on it.
Meanwhile, Justice Merchan extended his gag order on Trump by ordering the defendant to stop calling him a corrupt judge. Merchan said Trump’s attacks on him were damaging his reputation with his bag man.
“This is not funny,” said Justice Merchan, giggling. “The former president is being charged with something or other that’s very serious, like … writing the words ‘legal fees’ on a check to his lawyer with the purpose of interfering with the 2016 election by making people think he was a better candidate than the person he was running against. And all the while, Trump was stepping outside his marriage to sleep with a woman. And okay, Hillary Clinton was doing the same thing, but we will not allow homophobia to interfere with the almost utter corruption of these proceedings.”
Journalists and other Democrats are delighted with the trial because it has provided President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden with several split screen moments that made him look almost presidential. For instance, television viewers could see Trump sitting on one side of the screen listening to seamy sexual testimony against him while on the other side of the screen, President Biden was honoring Holocaust Remembrance Day by withholding weapons from Israel so the Jews could remember what the Holocaust was like.
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Continue reading this exclusive article and join the conversation, plus watch free videos on DW+
Already a member?