The following is satirical.
It’s time to say a fond farewell to Corey Booker, who has suspended his presidential campaign in order to spend more time with his gladiator movies.
Senator Booker got the word that he was not going to be president after the word passed through the mind of every single citizen of the United States, made a transit through first Western and then Eastern Europe, moved across the Dardanelles into Asia, then down to Australia , from which it spread throughout the Middle East to the continent of Africa, then made its way across the Atlantic to South then Central America, finally coming up through Mexico and on to Iowa where it was received by Corey Booker, who was completely shocked to hear the news.
Political analysts say that Booker’s campaign may have failed because the public was confused about his persona. For instance, as a dynamic young black man, Booker hoped to remind voters of Barack Obama, but the voters were never sure whether he was Obama the charming and eloquent politician, or Obama the jerk who killed the economy and screwed up the Middle East.
Booker hoped to present himself as heroic by declaring that he was Spartacus, but voters just assumed he enjoyed running around bare-chested while wearing a short leather skirt. And Booker thought he could win attention by repeatedly declaring that he was the man for this moral moment, but it turned out that just made him sound like an annoying pain in the ass.
Finally, Booker thought that he could run on his record as mayor of Newark, New Jersey, where he improved education with charter schools, but that turns out to violate the Democrat platform created by teachers unions, so voters felt they would prefer to vote for an 80-year-old Communist who at least makes them laugh.
On the positive side, Booker has always made a point of living with his constituents in inner-city, low-income neighborhoods, so at least he won’t have to do crap like that anymore.