Well, both Joe Biden and Donald Trump have clinched the nomination of their parties to run for re-election, which means historically this will be the longest general election in history between a pair of candidates too old for the job whom no one wants to see run again except those Republican voters who love Donald Trump and those Democrat voters who feel, well, at least Biden is not a goggle-eyed socialist lunatic like every other Democrat but only a senile semi-dead man being used like a ventriloquist’s dummy by a cabal of goggle-eyed socialist lunatics who hope they can destroy American freedom before anyone realizes they’re holding Biden upright by his shirtsleeves like in “Weekend at Bernie’s” although in this case Bernie is the goggle-eyed socialist holding Bernie up because Bernie is Joe … and Joe is Bernie.
With a Biden-Trump rematch bearing down on us like a locomotive and America tied to the tracks screaming “Help! Help!” in a high-pitched voice in the hope some Canadian Mountie will rescue her, which seems unlikely since the Canadians are now a bunch of Left-wing fascists, corporate media outlets are assigning their best journalists to cover the all-important beat of what Trump will do in their hysterical womanish imaginations if he’s re-elected.
For instance, CNN’s Van Jones, reporting from his womanish imagination, said, “If Trump is re-elected, Russian troops will march across western Europe in my womanish imagination until the whole world is as hysterical as I am. Trump will imprison his political opponents and destroy democracy which is why we have to put Trump in prison and let people vote by simply driving by the polling place and shouting Joe Biden’s name out the window or what sounds to me like Joe Biden’s name even if it’s Donald Trump’s. This is Van Jones, reporting from my womanish imagination.”
CNN Chief Executive Solitary McLonesome spoke about the new assignments in a speech to his childhood friend Pooky the Teddy Bear, saying, “Listen, Pooky, we have got to go all out covering the Trump atrocities that will occur in our womanish imaginations or we’ll be left behind in reality with a senile corruptocrat president ruining everything, and you know our audience doesn’t want reality, Pooky-poo, because you are our audience.”
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MSNBC has given Joe Scarborough the assignment of reporting on the imaginary bad things Trump will do if re-elected because of Scarborough’s long experience on the womanish imagination beat. NBC News President Idie O’Log speaking to an inflatable life-sized El Chapo she keeps hidden in her bedroom closet said “Viewers feel they can trust Joe Scarborough because they look into his eyes and see a cavernous darkness where his soul used to be, so they understand he will give them a full report on the terrible things Trump will do in his womanish imagination if re-elected, instead of the horrible truth about what’s happening right now, which would just be disturbing, oh mi corazon.”
As a model of expert coverage of the womanish imagination beat, journalists around the country are turning to the New York Times, a former newspaper, and their opinion page, known throughout the industry as Knucklehead Row. One shining example of the Times’s Pulitzer Prize winning womanish imagination coverage came in a column by Charles Blows entitled, “What Trump will do in My Womanish Imagination if he is Re-Elected.” The column begins, “When I consider the possibility that Trump will be re-elected, I peer into my womanish imagination and see a devastating vision of utter chaos created by journalists shrieking about what’s happening in their womanish imaginations. The stories about Donald Trump rampaging through our hysterical daydreams will absolutely destroy our country by causing violent leftists to burn down cities while we pretend they aren’t because Trump is not doing the horrible things that we pretend he is.”
At the Washington Post, leftist womanish imagination reporter Dana Milbank took a more humorous tack in a column — and this is a real column — called “My Month of Living Republicanly.” Milbank visited gun shows and Christian outlets where he found stickers and posters with outlandish assertions that distort the truth. Next week, Milbank will uncover outlandish leftist assertions that distort the truth — by reading the Washington Post.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.