Biden Prepares Basement For Reelection Campaign

The Joe Biden campaign team is ramping up its efforts to re-elect the president. They’ve already sent out official emails informing Biden that he’s president, he’s running for re-election, and his name is Joe Biden. They’ve removed the illegal classified documents from his basement so there’ll be more room for him to hide down there. And they’re returning the influence peddling money he took from the Chinese so the Chinese can pay scientists to develop a new virus that will give Biden an excuse to hide in the basement where he can wander around aimlessly, wondering what happened to all his classified documents. Meanwhile, one campaign worker has been assigned the job of compiling a list of Biden’s accomplishments, which mostly involves tapping his pencil against a pad of paper and scratching his chin.

The Daily Wire has acquired the first cut of an early campaign commercial, in which the president looks sincerely into the camera and says, “Four years ago, I promised to unite this country, by extending the hand of good will to crap-faced MAGA Nazis who want to destroy Democracy. But we have to stay the course. We can’t just run away in humiliating chaos like we did in Afghanistan. Otherwise, Donald Trump might get back in office — and sure, Trump had a great economy at home and a peaceful world abroad, but he was mean to journalists and, after all, they’re people too. And look what he did to our border. During his last month in office, seventeen illegal aliens were released into our country and we still haven’t found them. They could be hiding anywhere, maybe in the crowd of 200-thousand illegal aliens we released last week. How could we even tell them apart since they’re all Mexicans? Except for the Arabs and Chinese. They’re easy to tell apart because they’re the ones holding the explosives. But the Mexicans all look pretty much alike and all their songs have the word ‘corazon’ in them so they sound the same too. But without them, we wouldn’t have any lettuce. And sure, lettuce tastes like paper. It’s disgusting. But it’s good for you. So vote for me. I’m Joe Biden and I approved this message. Who am I?”