The Joe Biden campaign team is ramping up its efforts to re-elect the president. They’ve already sent out official emails informing Biden that he’s president, he’s running for re-election, and his name is Joe Biden. They’ve removed the illegal classified documents from his basement so there’ll be more room for him to hide down there. And they’re returning the influence peddling money he took from the Chinese so the Chinese can pay scientists to develop a new virus that will give Biden an excuse to hide in the basement where he can wander around aimlessly, wondering what happened to all his classified documents. Meanwhile, one campaign worker has been assigned the job of compiling a list of Biden’s accomplishments, which mostly involves tapping his pencil against a pad of paper and scratching his chin.
The Daily Wire has acquired the first cut of an early campaign commercial, in which the president looks sincerely into the camera and says, “Four years ago, I promised to unite this country, by extending the hand of good will to crap-faced MAGA Nazis who want to destroy Democracy. But we have to stay the course. We can’t just run away in humiliating chaos like we did in Afghanistan. Otherwise, Donald Trump might get back in office — and sure, Trump had a great economy at home and a peaceful world abroad, but he was mean to journalists and, after all, they’re people too. And look what he did to our border. During his last month in office, seventeen illegal aliens were released into our country and we still haven’t found them. They could be hiding anywhere, maybe in the crowd of 200-thousand illegal aliens we released last week. How could we even tell them apart since they’re all Mexicans? Except for the Arabs and Chinese. They’re easy to tell apart because they’re the ones holding the explosives. But the Mexicans all look pretty much alike and all their songs have the word ‘corazon’ in them so they sound the same too. But without them, we wouldn’t have any lettuce. And sure, lettuce tastes like paper. It’s disgusting. But it’s good for you. So vote for me. I’m Joe Biden and I approved this message. Who am I?”
At the center of the campaign will be the slogan, “Guess what? Bidenomics is working,” which Biden will deliver himself in a terrifying, raspy whisper that sounds like the voice of a demon spewing hellish lies like “Guess what? Bidenomics is working.”
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The problem is that, while the economy is booming, the American people somehow feel it’s not giving them what they need. Like food. And gasoline to put in the car they used to have before they sold it to buy food. And bus fare, because they don’t have a car anymore and they’re too hungry to walk. But in reality, the economy IS doing great in certain sectors. Like in the imaginations of journalists. And in the Biden campaign, which last month received over $40 million in donations from loyal Democrat donor organizations like Jews for People Who Hate Jews, and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Who Don’t Want to Go to Prison Even Though They’ve Committed Crimes. So guess what? Bidenomics is working.
Biden campaign director Juanita Mohammed Chou LI Mohammed Rodriguez Mohammed — whose pronouns are they and them — says both they and them are hoping they can change people’s minds by explaining exactly how — guess what — Bidenomics is working.
According to Miss and Mister Mohammed Rodriguez Chou, “First we printed so much money that prices skyrocketed and no one could afford anything, then we gave them the money we printed so they could buy food on Amazon.com. Then they ate the food and had nothing, but Jeff Bezos had all their money, so he could pay the few remaining reporters still employed at the Washington Post to write stories saying, Guess what? Bidenomics is working.”
The Biden camp can also point to another positive development, in that the unemployment rate is very low because people have stopped looking for work because illegal aliens have all the jobs. Which is also great because they don’t have to pay taxes so they can afford to buy more explosives.
So guess what?
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.