The following is satirical.
Joe Biden, who used to be somebody, has offered to call President Trump and give him advice on how to handle the Chinese Flu crisis.
And yes, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you incorrigible wag! How I love your satirical shenanigans and the absurd fantasies with which you tickle our funny bones and invite us to share in the ridiculous concoctions of your whimsical imagination.”
But no, this actually happened. Joe Biden offered to call the President of the United States and give him advice on how to deal with the pandemic.
In a statement addressed to a kitchen mop he mistook for a woman he used to chase around the room, Biden said, “By golly, it’s time someone got on the horn to that Nixon fellow and set him straight on how to deal with all this flu malarkey.”
“He’s got to talk to experts and make plans and bring information to people instead of standing around with that little Italian guy and the cute girlie what’s-her-name and all those folks from the newspapers,” he explained. “We need more of those medical gizmos the modern fellows are always inventing, and maybe even some medicine or something. Why, in my day, we’d set up some tents with cots in them quick as a wink and get on with more important things like the Depression and World War II.”
Biden said he plans to offer a three point plan with two points in it, one of which he’s forgotten, which should make the whole conversation quicker than it would have been if his three point plan had three points and he could remember what they were.
The White House said they’d be happy to have Biden call and they apologized for accidentally giving him the wrong phone number that caused him to get a busy signal, to which Biden spoke for half an hour. The White House said they would give him the right number this time and thanked him in advance for waiting for the next available operator.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: News Media Skip Useless Presidential Briefings To Make Time For Urgent Anti-American Hatred