Days after three American soldiers were murdered by Iran, the Biden Administration has finally retaliated by firing missiles into Iraq and Syria where they made scary exploding noises so loud the Iranians could almost hear them all the way in Iran and, boy oh boy, wouldn’t they have been frightened then?
State Department Spokesman John Kirby said the U.S. warned the Iranians that something really scary was going to happen in Iraq and Syria so that the Iranians would be so frightened, they’d have to stay in Iran where it was safe. Kirby said, “My hope was the Iranians would scream in terror, and we could laugh at them and say they sounded like women. You can bet they wouldn’t like that very much so it would be quite some time before they thought about murdering any more of our soldiers, believe you me.”
Later, Kirby changed his story and said the State Department had not warned the Iranians before the attack and the fault lay with CBS News who had publicized the upcoming attacks after receiving a press release about them from the State Department.
President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden made a statement about the retaliatory attacks in a speech to several statues in the Capitol rotunda whom he mistook for other long-dead people he thought he’d been talking to recently. Biden said, “These meaningless attacks on places far from Iran are just the first of many meaningless attacks we plan to unleash on far away places. Like maybe Texas. I hate those people. The Iranians will just have to live in fear because they will never know where or when the next meaningless attack will fall on someplace far away until the very moment when we warn them about it to make sure they’re safely in Iran. As president, this is the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make because it means people will die — all right, not die, but you know what I mean. They would die if one of these missiles hit them, although I don’t see how that could possibly happen so that made the decision somewhat easier. But don’t for a minute think that military action is our only planned response to Iran. We’re also letting them build nuclear weapons so we won’t be able to attack them anymore because they’ll have nuclear weapons and those things are really dangerous. Then when we don’t attack them they won’t be mad at us and will stop murdering our soldiers, so problem solved. Also we’ll make sure not to put any more sanctions on them so they can make a lot of money selling oil which only makes sense because nuclear weapons are expensive and if they can’t afford them, the whole plan falls apart. After that, we’re going to draw a line in the sand, probably in the desert in Syria somewhere near where we fired the missiles, to let them know we will not tolerate their killing any more Americans — unless they just want to cross our southern border and kill them here, then I don’t know how we could possibly stop them. All in all, I am telling you this is a great victory, just like in Afghanistan when we retreated in humiliating chaos and I then told you it was a great victory. So this is just like that.”
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In the same speech, according to one of the statues who was there, the president also reiterated his support for his vice president, saying, “I didn’t just appoint this historic sort of black person Camela or Kamahla or whatever the hell she calls herself. I also love her. And her hair smells great. So she’s on the team, unless I’m still alive in November, then I gotta dump her cause no one can stand her, but that seems unlikely. I’m barely alive as it is.”
The spokesman for the Iranian military, Mohammed Jihad Mohammed Jihad Jihad Jihad Mohammed, responded to the president’s threats by saying, “Americans can sleep soundly in their beds tonight, knowing that we will be shaking in our boots as we creep quietly into their bedrooms. I hope this will reassure them so they don’t do anything dangerous, like re-electing Donald Trump.”
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.