The following is satirical. 
The Democrat Party released its latest results after the Nevada primary, and Bernie Sanders has won in Iowa. As Sanders continues on track to win the party’s nomination for president, a party spokesman released a statement while running around in a circle, tearing his hair and making a high-pitched babbling noise by squealing at the same time he riffled his lips with his fingers. In fact, that was the statement.
Exit polls in Nevada show Sanders far ahead of some sad old man who keeps telling anyone who’ll listen that he used to be Vice President to Barack Obama and then grabbing them by the arm and saying, “You like Obama, don’t you? Everybody loves Barack!”
The gay guy came in third, then the make-believe Indian and finally the short, angry lady who pretends to be insulted all the time.
The exit pollsters asked voters two questions. One, who did you vote for and, two, what the hell were you thinking?
One young man who voted for Bernie told the pollsters, “I voted for Bernie because I saw a Tik Tok video of people eating cats in Venezuela and thought it would be really funny if that happened here. Also, I’m not very bright. I mean, look at me.”
A suburban homemaker said, “I voted for Bernie because Donald Trump says rude things, and before I tolerate that, I’d rather lose all my freedom and have my children starve.”
A third voter told the pollsters he voted for Bernie because he was secretly a Republican and was just messing around.
In a victory speech to a cheering crowd of ignorant knuckleheads, Bernie said, “We are taking on the Democrat establishment because they’re still clinging to some vestiges of sanity and I hate that. I have a new vision of America that I got from watching the Purge movies while reading an instruction manual called 1984.”
He then pumped the air with his fist, clutched his chest and fell over, shouting, “Don’t release my medical reports.”
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/sanders-praises-fidel-castro-kaepernick-did-same-thing-watch-how-miami-fans-responded">Sanders Praises Fidel Castro; Kaepernick Did Same Thing; WATCH How Miami Fans Responded</a>
&nbsp;

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Bernie Leads Democrats With Promise To Destroy America [Satire]

CONTINUE READING

There’s been a great deal of talk about the Trump vs. CASA decision at the Supreme Court. This, as you know, is the decision that put restrictions on universal injunctions against Trump administration policies issued by federal judge James Boasberg while Boasberg was wearing a cardboard Burger King crown and spinning around the room with his black robe flung out as if it were a pair of wings and simultaneously singing, “Look at me, mother. I am the ruler of the universe. Everyone look at me.” The court decided six to three along ideological lines that Boasberg should not only quit with the injunctions but also possibly see a mental health professional or at least turn down the volume in order to stop disturbing the neighbors. Boasberg responded to the decision by sitting curled up in a corner and sucking his thumb while still wearing the Burger King crown and muttering, “I don’t care what they say. I’m the ruler of everybody,” but in a much softer voice so the Supreme Court wouldn’t hear him and take his cardboard crown away and make him go to bed early.
The court’s decision was written by Justice Amy Coney Barrett and much of the media attention focused on Barrett’s comments about a dissenting opinion written by Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. Many felt that Barrett’s response to Jackson’s dissent was derogatory, disdainful, humiliating, sardonic, mocking, derisive, sarcastic, belittling, disparaging, denigrating, contemptuous, taunting and even humiliating — and I know I already said that, but it was so derogatory it was actually humiliating twice, and possibly vice versa.
Now part of the reaction to Barrett’s comments might have arisen from the fact that, during her confirmation hearing, Barrett answered questions with so much precision and expertise that it gave the impression that she’s a highly intelligent woman and also kind of hot in a wonk-girl Catholic mom sort of way, whereas at her confirmation hearing, Ketanji Jackson couldn’t even say what a woman is, giving the impression that she was a DEI hire, selected because she’s a black woman without taking into account the fact that she’s also a functional idiot.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
But here at the Andrew Klavan show, we feel we should take Justice Jackson’s dissent seriously because, you know, that would be funnier. So after spending a great many minutes reading the dissent in depth… I’m not sure exactly how many minutes, but it was a lot. Maybe ten even. I lost count around six or seven. But anyway, after spending a great many minutes studying Justice Jackson’s dissent, I have some important observations.
Jackson dissents to the court&#8217;s decision on the grounds that it hides behind a “smokescreen” of “legalese,” by comparing the issues involved in the case to legal precedents in American and English jurisprudence. Instead of this process, sometimes known as “applying the law,” or “judging,” Jackson proposes a different standard called the “sassy black woman” test. In this test, also known as the “Jasmine Crockett standard,” all court decisions and other forms of reasoned discourse must be able to withstand a black woman putting her fist against one upraised hip and saying completely incomprehensible things in an aggressive sing-song voice while leaving the g’s off the endings of her words and using foul language to declare herself entitled to be heard despite the fact that she’s obviously a functional idiot. Furthermore, if said sassy black woman ends said tirade with the words “full stop,” any disagreement will immediately be deemed racist even if it can be shown that it’s not her skin color that’s at issue but only her functional idiocy.
Justice Jackson also writes in her dissent — and this is a real quote, “A Martian arriving here from another planet would see these circumstances and surely wonder: ‘what good is the Constitution?’” This, of course, is a reference to the famous Martian clause in the founding documents of Planet Zeebeegununu in the Ratchet and Clank Solana Galaxy, which declares that the opinions of fictional extraterrestrials should be given priority, because, honey-child, these space aliens are way smarter than a fool like you, full stop. 
All in all, I think we can agree that the Jackson dissent is a mind-bogglingly deep dissent, if you spell dissent d-e-s-c-e-n-t.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Justice Jackson Invokes Famous ‘Martian Clause’ In Dissent

The New York Times, a former newspaper, recently ran a story with this headline: “Men, Where Have You Gone? Please Come Back.” The sub-headline was: “So many men have retreated from intimacy, hiding behind firewalls, filters and curated personas, dabbling and scrolling. We miss you.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you smoking hot hunk of hilarity, a joke is a joke, but do you really expect us to believe that that was a headline in the same former newspaper that has spent the last forty years denigrating men and marriage and promoting a sexual culture of such degrading perversion that it could only be intended to cause even a fully operational male to recoil horrified from sexual communion as if he were Ben Affleck in the moment he suddenly realized he had left the really nice Jennifer for the Jennifer with the admittedly spectacular body but with the kind of personality that could make even a fully operational male recoil horrified from sexual communion as if he’d spent the last forty years reading the New York Times?&#8221; And okay, sure, even I’ve forgotten where that sentence began, but the point is, no, I’m not making this up.
This article wondering why men had retreated from intimacy into a world of solitary stimulation utterly devoid of emotional content was written by Rachel Drucker, a woman who spent part of her career working for Playboy and its affiliated hard core porn outlets, enticing men to retreat from intimacy into a world of solitary stimulation utterly devoid of emotional content. She writes (and this is a real quote, I’m still not even making stuff up yet): “I remember when part of heterosexual male culture involved showing up with a woman to signal something — status, success, desirability. Women were once signifiers of value, even to other men. That dynamic has quietly collapsed.”
So — baffled by this mystery — the New York Times did what they usually do in such circumstances: they sent their reporters to find out what men think, by interviewing women.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
For instance, they spoke with Karen Screamy-Hate-Face, President of the Society for Harridans who are Intolerably Loud, or S-H-R-I-L. Ms. Screamy-Hate-Face said, “I can’t for the life of me figure out why I can’t get a date with one of these toxic snakes. I’ve got the pink hat, all the right tattoos and plenty of insight on how to make men be better than they are. What do those bastards want from me? Tenderness?”
The Times also interviewed the holder of the Guinness Book World Record for highest body count, Karen Spikenose, who told them, “Frankly, I think most men are just too sexually insecure. They’re always afraid I’m going to compare them to all the men I slept with yesterday. But really, I’m the sort of girl who usually takes each man separately. It’s more time-consuming, but I feel it makes for a more intimate seven minutes.”
And they interviewed divorce attorney Karen Crotchfangs, who told us, “I just think men don’t know what they really want. They say they want a feminine girl like me who gets all made up for a date and wears pretty dresses and lets them pay for dinner, but then the minute they see my penis they run for the hills. Sometimes without even finishing their drink.”
In the end, however, despite its considerable reportorial power, the New York Times somehow could not solve the mystery of why men no longer feel that women add value to their lives.
Now, part of our job here at the Daily Wire is to bring you the kind of material that outlets like the New York Times simply can’t provide. Like journalism. So we immediately sent our reporters out into the field, and when they didn’t come back from the field but simply went prancing off across the grass picking flowers and weaving garlands of daisies for one another’s heads, we sent out some more reporters to interview a prominent man on why he had retreated from intimacy. Unfortunately, the man just kept sobbing violently and crying out, “What was I thinking? I could have had the nice Jennifer!”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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New York Times Investigates Retreat Of Men By Talking To Women

The following article was originally posted on &#8220;<a href="https://thenewjerusalem.substack.com/?utm_source=substack&amp;utm_medium=email">The New Jerusalem</a>&#8221; on Substack.
* * *
Once, when I was young, I told a girl, “You can’t solve your problems until you stop being proud of them.” In general, this is a terrible thing to say to a woman. As a sex, women tend to hold their problems very dear and view any attempt at a solution as a domineering masculine intrusion. In this particular case, however, I had chosen my moment, and the girl married me. Which, come to think of it, may have proved my point.
More seriously, though, there is nothing people hold onto so tightly as their worst behaviors, and nothing more useless than telling them to stop doing the thing that hurts them most. In my 2009 novel “Empire of Lies,” the protagonist reflects on friends who have headed down The Road to Disaster.
<blockquote>“Sometimes it even happened that these friends… would come to [my wife] Cathy and me… and ask us for our advice. ‘We are heading down the Road to Disaster,’ they would say. ‘What can we do to avoid the Disaster at the end?’ And Cathy and I would answer, ‘Stop. Stop going down that road. Stop cheating on your wife or spending too much money or neglecting your children or drinking. Turn around and go back and go down another road instead.’ And every time—every single time—they would say to us, ‘Oh, no. Oh, no, we can’t do that… We have many good and sound and necessary reasons why we must go down the Road to Disaster. Therefore give us some other advice. Give us some advice that will make the Road to Disaster end somewhere other than in the Disaster to which it inevitably leads.’”</blockquote>
<div id="attachment_939277" style="width: 394px" class="wp-caption aligncenter"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-939277" class="size-large wp-image-939277" src="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/06/MixCollage-24-Jun-2025-02-33-PM-2532-384x576.jpg" alt="“Road to Morrocco.” 1942. Bing Crosby, Bob Hope, Dorothy Lamour. Paramount Pictures." width="384" height="576" srcset="https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/06/MixCollage-24-Jun-2025-02-33-PM-2532-384x576.jpg 384w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/06/MixCollage-24-Jun-2025-02-33-PM-2532-200x300.jpg 200w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/06/MixCollage-24-Jun-2025-02-33-PM-2532-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/06/MixCollage-24-Jun-2025-02-33-PM-2532-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/06/MixCollage-24-Jun-2025-02-33-PM-2532-1365x2048.jpg 1365w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/06/MixCollage-24-Jun-2025-02-33-PM-2532-1360x2040.jpg 1360w, https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2025/06/MixCollage-24-Jun-2025-02-33-PM-2532-scaled.jpg 1707w" sizes="(max-width: 384px) 100vw, 384px" />Paramount Pictures. 1942. IMDB.</div>
This isn’t just true of individuals, whole nations do the same. World War I is the perfect example. &#8220;On or around December 1910, human character changed,” wrote Virginia Woolf. She was referring, with hyperbolic exactitude, to the onset of modernism in the arts. When one looks at the dissolution of realism and metaphysical certainties in the writings of Nietzsche or the paintings of Munch and Picasso, when one reflects on how art expresses the spirit of the age, it should have been almost obvious that Europe would soon begin the thirty years of self-annihilation that transformed it from the greatest culture that had ever existed on Earth to the hollow corpse we see being devoured by Islamists today.
And yet European leaders leapt to that death in 1914 and waited passively for it in the 1930’s, as if no other course were open to them.
My own stumble into political commentary was spurred, not by my commitment to one kind of politics over another, but by my observation that one side had gone palpably insane with self-hatred. What I don’t know, what I guess we’ll find out, is whether this was just the philosophical expression of a fatal organic decline, or a purposeful turn down the Road to Disaster from which we yet might turn away.
* * *
This article was originally posted on &#8220;<a href="https://thenewjerusalem.substack.com/?utm_source=substack&amp;utm_medium=email">The New Jerusalem</a>&#8221; on Substack.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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The Road To Disaster

Democrats and other misprints in the Book of Life are celebrating a rare victory after a weekend of “No Kings” protests resulted in there being no American kings.
The Democrat comeback ended a frustrating period of months in which party officials sought for some way to convince the American electorate that they were not just hollow glove puppets being manipulated by the sinister unseen hands of Communists and jihadis, while still remaining true to their goal of being hollow glove puppets manipulated by the sinister unseen hands of Communists and jihadis.
The turnaround came after Chairman of the Democrat National Committee, Abaddon Pazuzu, delivered a rousing and inspiring speech to the golden statue of a goat-headed god, saying, “Oh Lord of Darkness, come to our aid so that we may know we haven’t traded away our souls in vain. We have sought to win back the love of the American people by setting their cities on fire, interfering with their law enforcement officers in the rightful performance of their duties, mutilating their children, persecuting their politicians, silencing their opinions, dividing them into hostile camps according to their various races, and shutting their churches and synagogues while simultaneously cheering on acts of Islamist terror so horrifying in their apocalyptic evil we thought they’d be sure to win at least as loyal a following as Nancy Pelosi. And yet somehow, nothing we’ve done has managed to recapture the affection of the nation we’re trying so desperately to destroy. Guide our steps to success, oh unholy one, so that we might raise our approval ratings, which are in double digits only when expressed as fractions.”
Shortly after this address, the DNC staged the nationwide &#8220;No Kings&#8221; protests, which were so successful even the protesters themselves were amazed. As one 80-year-old wearing the rags of what used to be a Woodstock t-shirt wrote in his leatherette-bound diary, “I was beginning to worry I had wasted my life supporting delusional policies that promised utopia but instead turned everything they touched to crap. But now, in a single weekend, our protests managed to reduce Donald Trump from a mighty king to nothing but the President of the United States, leader of the free world and commander-in-chief of the most lethal fighting force on earth. I feel my dreams have become a reality for the first time since we put an end to all wars by ushering in the Age of Aquarius.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Left-Wing Activist Bruce Flapjaw, president of the Enlightened Institute of Endemic Imaginary Outrages — or E-I-E-I-O — celebrated the victory with a jubilant press release, saying “With the geriatric Trump forming a far-right monarchy in network newscasts and other fantasies, we were able to mobilize thousands of know-nothing political quacks, geriatric white women in mu-mus, and ivy league educated dumb-clucks until, with a mu-mu here and a mu-mu there, here a quack, there a quack, everywhere a dumb-cluck, old man Donald’s far-right form was expelled by the E-I-E-I-O.”
The Democrats mean to follow up their triumph later in the summer with a nationwide series of &#8220;No Alchemist&#8221; protests, pledging that they will not relent until they have rid the nation of every long-bearded man in a conical starry cap who is trying to turn lead into gold.
Excited by the success of the Democrats in expelling the kings from the U.S., Right-Wing anti-semites plan to follow suit, staging their own protests against imaginary outrages by declaring they will not die for Israel. The Groypers say they plan to illustrate their protest signs with pictures of doughty Christian knights to show what a brave and noble thing it is not to do what no one is asking them to do but what they would eventually have to do if the Jews weren’t currently doing it for them. After the “I Will Not Die for Israel” marches, the Groypers plan to gather to celebrate the triumphant fact that not one of them has died for Israel, marking the accomplishment by unleashing a barrage of social media posts, spelling the word Jew with two o’s to proclaim to all the world that they don’t know how to spell the word Jew.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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‘No Kings’ Protests Result In No Kings

You know, sometimes, in the hurly burly argle bargle mumbo jumbo of divisive political discourse, it becomes too easy for us to stop listening to the arguments of our opponents. Remember: we all want to see America thrive, and THEY all want to see America particlized in a self-aggrandizing orgy of violent destruction, then set on fire to destroy even the remaining traces of the personal liberty and prosperity we once spread not only from sea to shining sea but all around the world, so they can sweep away our flawed but magnificent nation and replace it with a socialist paradise that will quickly devolve into the hell of oppression and terror that has been the fate of every other socialist paradise while their misbegotten, ignorant and self-deceiving idealism slowly reveals itself to be nothing more than a ravenous hunger for power with its attendant sadistic cruelties.
But for a moment, let’s put those minor differences between us aside and see if we can try to understand our friends on the Left so we can begin to appreciate the goals and ideas that have turned them into such flaming dirt-bags.
For instance, take the riots in Los Angeles. They began when some Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers tried to arrest a number of illegal migrants for the purposes of deportation. Now sure, you could say the migrants had broken federal laws and the ICE agents are duly appointed federal law enforcement officers, working to roll back the slow-motion invasion of our country by unvetted illegals that took place during an administration run by sinister and faceless leftist operatives hiding behind the mindless shell of a once-sentient machine politician who had been propped up for half a century by an unimaginably corrupt corporate news media.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
But let’s look at the other side of the argument. We can’t just go around randomly sending child molesters and drug dealers back to their native countries. These are jobs Americans won’t do because they’re largely civilized people. And who will mow our lawns in order to weasel their way into our confidence and get closer to our children? You don’t want an untidy lawn, do you? And when you think of it in that larger context, you can see why masked thugs are pelting federal officers with rocks and torching cars and looting businesses while waving foreign flags to signal the fact they want to destroy the last best hope of civilization and replace it with whatever gangster-ocracy they just escaped from.
Now some of you might ask: who in the world would believe a crazy-ass argument like that?  But let me ask you something: Did you know that 56% of young liberal white women have been treated for mental illness. Think about that the next time one of these ladies posts her support for the rioters. See, when you first hear that most liberal white girls are mentally ill, you probably think the mental illness is just something a little neurotic like when they won’t let you pay for dinner but then sleep with you anyway. But no, it turns out that talking to some of these dames is more like being trapped in Arkham Asylum desperately trying to escape from a shrieking Admiral Levine who’s coming after you with one of those emasculators they use to castrate bulls, and then just as you lock yourself in an abandoned broom closet and think you’ve escaped him or her or whatever the hell he is, you turn around and there’s some 21-year-old from UCLA screaming “globalize the intifada” and voting for Gavin Newsom, and just as you think you’re done for, you wake up in your own bed and whisper, “Oh thank God, it was only a dream,” and then roll over and, holy crap, she’s lying right next to you. And you didn’t even pay for dinner. And also Los Angeles is on fire.
So now that we understand that these riots have the full and enthusiastic support of young leftist white women shrieking at us unintelligibly from whatever enclave of privilege has made it possible for them to believe the nutty crap they believe, I think we can begin to have more civilized and serious conversations about providing air support to the National Guard.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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This Riot Is Brought To You By Shrieking Young Leftist White Women

Today is June 6. It was on this day, eighty-one years ago, that 150-thousand men from the United States, Great Britain, and other allied nations, landed under withering gunfire on the beaches of France to begin the brutal process of breaking the Nazi stranglehold on the once-free nations of Europe. It is difficult now to imagine the almost superhuman courage it required for these men to slog through the bullet-riddled surf onto beaches carpeted with the bodies of those who went before them, in order to fight their way inch by bloody inch into the maw of gun emplacements, the destruction of which represented only the first small step toward eradicating the most murderous regime ever to stain the annals of human history. 
And that’s why, every June, we dedicate the entire month to celebrating homosexuality. Well, maybe that’s not why. But there must be some reason. Because that’s what we do.
That’s right, it’s Pride Month, and there is absolutely nothing Americans can be so proud of as homosexuality … apparently. Just think of the progress gay people have made. Homosexuality — once called the love that dare not speak its name — is now, at last, the love that simply will not shut the hell up. It just drones on and on and on. It’s so great. Really, you can’t get enough of it. On and on and on and on. A whole month of it. I mean, most sexual abnormalities, you just politely look away and try to mind your own business. But there’s no chance of that with this one, is there? Nosiree. On and on and on. That’s progress.
And there’s so much progress to be proud of in Pride Month. In the past, for instance, a gay man had to hide in shame. Now he can march down the street in a pride parade, dressed in leather chaps that open behind to expose his buttocks not only to anyone who’s interested but to the many, many, many people who really are not interested in seeing his buttocks even a little bit. Plus he can carry a whip to announce to all the world that he has a trauma-induced sexual fetish that prevents him from having any relationship that isn’t centered on debasement, domination and pain. Then he can proclaim how proud he is about that. Then he can go home and wash down a fistful of anti-depressants with half a bottle of gin and scream “I’m so effing proud,” before pitching face forward onto the kitchen table and sinking into blessed unconsciousness.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
And that’s not even all the progress. Some of you younger people won’t believe this, but it used to be that if a man punched a woman in the face, he’d be arrested. Today, thanks to the LGBTQ movement, if a man wants to punch a woman in the face, he can go to the Olympics and win a gold medal. I was so excited to hear this, I told my wife: I could punch you in the face and win a gold medal! My ex-wife, I should say. Still, it was a great moment.
And there’s even more progress. It used to be, if a man gave homosexual porn to a child, he’d be put in prison. Then he’d be killed by the other prisoners, because no matter how bad their crimes were, they weren’t as bad as giving homosexual porn to a child. Now, thanks to our pride, if a man gives homosexual porn to a child, it’s because he’s a member of a teachers union and has a job in a public elementary school. And man, if that’s not progress, then progress is probably something else. Like progress might be inventing air conditioning or computers or more effective treatments for disease. But no. For us, progress is teachers giving homosexual porn to children.
So this June, think back on that D-Day when thousands gave their lives for freedom. Remember it’s because of them that we can spend the entire month being proud of homosexuality. Because of them, and because our elite culture has become a cesspit of decadent buffoons who have no shame. After all, who else could be this proud?
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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America Now Honors D-Day By Celebrating Pride Month

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