The following is satirical.
The Democrat Party released its latest results after the Nevada primary, and Bernie Sanders has won in Iowa. As Sanders continues on track to win the party’s nomination for president, a party spokesman released a statement while running around in a circle, tearing his hair and making a high-pitched babbling noise by squealing at the same time he riffled his lips with his fingers. In fact, that was the statement.
Exit polls in Nevada show Sanders far ahead of some sad old man who keeps telling anyone who’ll listen that he used to be Vice President to Barack Obama and then grabbing them by the arm and saying, “You like Obama, don’t you? Everybody loves Barack!”
The gay guy came in third, then the make-believe Indian and finally the short, angry lady who pretends to be insulted all the time.
The exit pollsters asked voters two questions. One, who did you vote for and, two, what the hell were you thinking?
One young man who voted for Bernie told the pollsters, “I voted for Bernie because I saw a Tik Tok video of people eating cats in Venezuela and thought it would be really funny if that happened here. Also, I’m not very bright. I mean, look at me.”
A suburban homemaker said, “I voted for Bernie because Donald Trump says rude things, and before I tolerate that, I’d rather lose all my freedom and have my children starve.”
A third voter told the pollsters he voted for Bernie because he was secretly a Republican and was just messing around.
In a victory speech to a cheering crowd of ignorant knuckleheads, Bernie said, “We are taking on the Democrat establishment because they’re still clinging to some vestiges of sanity and I hate that. I have a new vision of America that I got from watching the Purge movies while reading an instruction manual called 1984.”
He then pumped the air with his fist, clutched his chest and fell over, shouting, “Don’t release my medical reports.”
Related: Sanders Praises Fidel Castro; Kaepernick Did Same Thing; WATCH How Miami Fans Responded