The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Murderous dictatorial imperialist Vladimir Putin has accused the West of Satanism, infuriating Western leaders by interrupting their child sacrifices to the bull-headed demon god Moloch.
The Russian president took time off from poisoning and imprisoning his critics to condemn America as an evil colonialist power, during a celebration of his annexation of the occupied regions of Ukraine, after a majority of Ukrainians in those regions freely voted to hand their land over to Russia rather than being shot and tossed into a mass grave.
Speaking either in Russian or a series of nonsense noises that sounded vaguely Russianistic (how would I know?) Putin said, “We here in Russia reject the West because we do not want our children taught that there are more than two genders and that they should undergo sex change operations. The leaders of the West have gone insane.”
The response from America was harsh and immediate. Public Health Admiral and Walking Monty Python Sketch Rachel “Oh Look, I’m a Girl Cause I Wear Cardigans” Richard Levine, was quick to strike back against Putin’s accusations of insanity. At a ceremony celebrating a new California law allowing sexual perverts to perform amateur surgery on children until they’re whatever gender the pervert wishes to molest, Levine said, “How dare Putin question the sanity and morality of Western leaders who are following the science as quickly as I can make it up? After all, in this festive and demonic Halloween season, if a boy wants to trick or treat as a girl, why shouldn’t we castrate him and let him wear a dress? What’s the matter? Don’t Russians like kandy korn?” Levine then put on his admiral’s outfit and sang the entire libretto to Pirates of Penzanze in falsetto while chasing a 16-year-old girl around the room with a scalpel and denouncing the invasion of Ukraine.
Russian leaders, on the other hand, supported Putin’s speech and said that listening to it was far preferable to being hung upside down naked and sprayed with a fire hose. They especially praised Putin’s threat to unleash his nuclear arsenal and lay the entire planet waste if he was not immediately allowed to take over all the countries of which he was already tsar in his imagination. Putin said, “This is not the raving of a power-hungry lunatic. All right, maybe it is the raving of a power-hungry lunatic, but by sending arms to Ukraine, America is simply fighting a proxy war through a country that would really be part of Russia if it weren’t another country altogether.”
President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden responded to Putin’s threat by denouncing the Russian leader as authoritarian. “Putin doesn’t even allow free speech,” Biden told a room that had been full of journalists until they were dragged out by armed security. Biden then continued signing an executive order allowing women to abort their children up to the third year of gestation if the child threatened the life of the mother or caused her to miss an episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or if the child’s death was required by the dark rituals of worship for the winged goat-demon Baphomet.
Biden went on to say, “It’s absurd to say we are supplying Ukraine with weapons simply as part of a proxy war. Those weapons were bought and paid for by the millions of dollars in salary Ukraine gave my son Hunter for his obviously phony job as a so-called energy consultant, with ten percent for the Big Guy if you get my drift, wink-wink. I’ll be damned if I sit here and let a thug propped up by corrupt Russian oligarchs condemn the actions of a duly elected American President propped up by corrupt Ukrainian oligarchs. And if Putin dares to use his nuclear arsenal, there will be catastrophic consequences for everyone except of course myself who will be in an underground bunker celebrating abortion and other rituals of my Catholic faith.”
But while it may seem to some that the world is careening toward nuclear devastation because both the East and the West are being led by godless degenerates who have descended into madness and evil, we can all take inspiration from the brave freedom-loving women who have banded together to protest a misogynistic regime that threatens their status and their very lives in California. In Iran, women are protesting the oppressive morality restrictions of radical Islam so they can be more like Western women and be raped in ladies rooms by men in skirts or have their breasts cut off when they’re sixteen by insane so-called doctors.
Come to think of it, maybe nuclear devastation is our best option.
Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.