Every now and again, I think it’s important for us to lay aside our anger at leftists and other human plagues and dispel any unkind fantasies we might have about latching our hands onto the front of their heads like the face-hugger in the movie “Alien” and then twisting sharply while shouting, “You called me a fascist? Well, how do you feel now that I’ve unscrewed the front of your head so I can inject some truth into what used to be your face until it bursts out of your stomach and grows into a monster that tears you to pieces with its teeth?”
I’m sorry, I forgot what I was talking about.
Oh yeah. It’s time for us to lay our anger at these pseudo-Americans aside and truly open our ears and our hearts so we can begin to understand whatever destructive crap they’re trying to sell us now.
For instance, many of you have written to me and asked: What is intersectionalism? Is it fatal? Can you catch it by having gay sex? What makes you think I’ve been having gay sex? Is it because I wear skinny jeans and sleeveless undershirts?
And yes, it was the undershirts that gave you away. But to help you better understand the leftist doctrine of intersectionalism, today I’d like to provide you with this handy Q and A.
Q: What is intersectionalism?
A: Intersectionalism is a highly scientific system in which the very best minds laboring day and night on the hamster wheel of self-delusion invent imaginary categories of victimhood and randomly use them to ruin people’s lives.
Q: What are examples of these victim categories and how does intersectionalism help them?
A: Well, for instance, let’s say you’re a fat, ugly little man who wears a dress, dyes your hair pink and puts metal studs in your cheeks while declaring your pronouns are Pooh Bear and Ding-dong and then you go on TikTok to talk about how you convince the children in your kindergarten class to judge each other by the color of their skin. Intersectionalism helps you to understand that you’re a victim of culturally created categories of sanity, and if you can only shriek at everyone else and call them bigots until they pretend you’re fine, you’ll no longer be as mentally ill as you obviously are.
Q: Will that make me feel better?
A: Of course not. You’re still a total loon. But through intersectionalism, you can become happier relative to everyone else, because you’ve made everyone else as totally miserable as you are yourself.
Q: What about people who have, in fact, been historically victimized — like black people?
A: Intersectionalism helps black people by explaining to them that they’re victims of bad things done by dead white people and so they have to either wait helplessly or act in self-destructive violence and anger until living white people feel guilty about bad things they didn’t do and give money to black people who didn’t experience those bad things but are black like the people who did.
Q: Well, then, shouldn’t black people feel guilty about violent crimes committed by other black people and give money to white people who didn’t experience those crimes?
A: No.
Q: Why not?
A: Huh?
Q: If we’re distributing guilt according to race, shouldn’t innocent black people be guilty for things done by criminal black people?
A: No, that would be racist. Then a group of Twitter bots with seven followers each would shriek ugly names at you until you apologized and then they wouldn’t accept your apology and your cowardly boss would fire you and your life would be ruined.
Q: And that’s helpful to black people?
A: No, you’re not listening. It’s helpful to intersectionalists, because it makes them feel they’re powerful and virtuous instead of the lying, stink-faced bullies they really are.
Q: Well, what about women? Are they a protected class?
A: Absolutely. Sometimes. Or possibly never, it depends. Under intersectionalism, women are a protected class as long as they don’t actually exist. Non-existent women must be protected so they can experience the normal biological processes of getting drunk and having promiscuous sex, becoming pregnant and then having an abortion so they can spend the rest of their lives loudly celebrating killing their children to drown out their guilt and misery. However, if a woman should cease to be non-existent by claiming, for instance, that a man can’t be a woman because a woman is an actual thing that exists that isn’t them, then the woman becomes what is called a TERF, an acronym which stands for Stop Telling the Truth, It Upsets Mentally Ill People and Exposes Our Leftist Scam.
Q: But that acronym can’t stand for that: that’s not reality and makes no sense.
A: Exactly. Now you understand intersectionalism.
Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.