The following is satirical.
During this historic impeachment trial, it’s important not to just pretend you’re paying attention. You’ve got to pretend you’re paying attention and really sound like you know what you’re talking about. Because if you just pretend to pay attention and sound stupid, people will think you work for CNN. And God knows you don’t want that.
To help out, I’d like to answer some of your impeachment questions.
The first question comes from Shiv, who is currently doing 5 to 10 in San Quentin for forcing a minor to watch “The Last Airbender.”
Shiv asks: “Who is Adam Schiff and why does he look like that?”
Adam Schiff is a California Congressman who was appointed chairman of the House Intelligence Committee after an all-night drinking party during which someone suggested putting Adam Schiff and the word intelligence in the same sentence would be really funny. He looks like he looks because he has been hollowed out by corruption and is beginning to collapse inward like the mummy at the end of that Brendan Fraser movie, except without the hot babe tied to the table, which was my favorite part, for reasons I don’t fully understand.
Another question comes from Candy, who can usually be found hanging out at Cheetah’s Lounge on Hollywood Boulevard.
Candy asks: “Will Donald Trump be removed from office and, if so, will I lose my job and have to start hooking again.”
Well, Candy, it’s unlikely Trump will be removed from office. But if he is, yes, you will be out of work, and I hope you still have my number.
Finally, a question from Thanos, though not the Marvel Comics supervillain; the other Thanos, who asks: “Why was Chief Justice John Roberts using his eyebrows to send a Morse Code message saying, ‘Please, Lord, make this stop?’”
That was just a little joke the Chief Justice likes to play whenever he finds his life dwindling away in an utterly meaningless waste of public time and money. It always gets a big laugh at the Supreme Court.
Related: WATCH: Ted Cruz Sums Up First Day Of Impeachment Trial With ‘Old Saying,’ Offers Prediction