The following is satirical.
Democrats and the news media — but I repeat myself — are delivering their takes on the Mueller report just as quickly as they can read the report summaries by the 19-year-old interns who read the report.
Over at CNN, a panel of one shrieking Democrat dressed as nine different commentators declared that the report marked a tipping point at the beginning of the end of the noose tightening while the walls close in causing Trump to lose the 2016 election thus making Hillary the first woman president just like in their dreams.
At ABC, news analyst Poface Blather said the report is a damning indictment of Trump except without the indictment and when he comes to think about it, he actually added the word “damning” just for effect since without the indictment it doesn’t really make any sense.
Chuck Todd — whose face looks exactly the same upside down as right side up — not that that has anything to do with anything; it’s just kind of weird — anyway, Chuck Todd says that Attorney General William Barr has absolutely disgraced himself by saying the report showed no evidence of collusion when in fact the report uses very different words to say the same thing. Looking stupidly into the camera with his face either right side up or upside down — I couldn’t tell which — Todd said, “Just because a jury finds you not guilty that doesn’t mean you’re innocent, and just because a prosecutor doesn’t prosecute you that doesn’t mean we in the media can’t ceaselessly spin his words into an insinuation of guilt until you just want to put your fist through the television set and punch me in the chin or perhaps the forehead, whichever one is on top.”
To be fair to the MSM, the report did show Donald Trump in an unflattering light as a loud-mouthed, over-emotional and rash Donald Trump-like figure who has repaired the economy, defeated ISIS, and appointed great judges just like he said he would. So bite me.