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Dems: 'The Nation Must Heal Before We're All Arrested' [Satire]

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton delivers a speech during a campaign rally at Northern Community College in Annandale, Washington, USA on July 14, 2016.
Samuel Corum/Anadolu Agency/Getty Images
 

The following is satirical.

 

In the wake of the Mueller investigation into Russian collusion that didn’t exist, Democrats are calling for the nation to heal before some of them get arrested. In a statement made from an undisclosed location, a guy in a mask who looked suspiciously similar to Congressman Adam Schiff said, “We must put this national nightmare behind us or I am in big, big trouble.”

Former FBI Director James Comey, whose higher loyalty to pristine integrity caused him to illegally leak information in order to start an investigation that would translate his personal bitterness into a low revenge for being fired as he so richly deserved, now says he was just kidding and everyone should forget the whole thing.

 

Comey said, “Come on, it was obviously a joke. How could anyone have ever believed that a major presidential candidate could conspire with Russia while the entire intelligence establishment suspected nothing? It doesn’t make any sense. America needs to recover its sense of humor before I get put in prison for an illegal attempt to overturn an election.”

Former Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton, in a statement released to the floor of the Ladies Room at Nellie’s Sports Bar, said, “All across this great nation, whether in the dynamic, optimistic, educated blue states or in the stupid, ugly, toothless, bigoted, hate-filled, deplorable red states, it’s time for people to join hands and lay their differences aside, or I could seriously end up in prison. If for one minute, people were to think sensibly about the Obama operatives who investigated Trump due to my phony oppo research while letting me off the hook for obvious malfeasance, it would not be good for America, if by America I mean myself, and I usually do.”

Members of the media meanwhile are calling for an official Day of Healing during which they will all get together and forgive themselves for constantly lying to the rest of the nation before they return to constantly lying to the rest of the nation.

 

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