The following is satirical.
Democrats and the media — but I repeat myself — are demanding a Special Counsel be appointed to investigate why Donald Trump did not stop the last Special Counsel from investigating Donald Trump.
Congressman Jerry Nadler, in a statement issued from under a rock, said, “Connect the dots, people. Robert Mueller found there was no Russian collusion and yet Trump did not obstruct his investigation. That means Trump just stood by and allowed the government to waste two years and 30-million dollars looking into something that he knew all along never happened. This is a completely irresponsible waste of taxpayer dollars and we need to get to the bottom of why Trump allowed it to happen.”
Congressman Adam “Tailgunner” Schiff waved a sealed envelope in the air and said, “I have in my hand photographic evidence proving beyond a reasonable doubt that I continually lied by saying I had seen evidence beyond a reasonable doubt of Trump’s collusion. And yet, while Trump clearly knew I was lying, he did absolutely nothing to thwart my committee from squandering the people’s hard-earned dollars on an absurd witch-hunt. How could Trump even pretend I was sincere? Look at my face. The whole idea of me telling the truth is ridiculous.”
On CNN, where facts come sooner or later no matter how hard they try to stop them, Brian Stelter spoke to an audience of six guys running to catch a plane in Tacoma, saying, “This president has repeatedly endangered our Constitutional rights by allowing the press to report fake news and wild conspiracy theories until we exposed ourselves as both liars and fools. Trump needs to be investigated immediately before we continue to make a mockery of the First Amendment by moving on to the next phony conspiracy.”
The New York Times, a former newspaper, published an editorial apologizing for its now disgraced reporting. The Times promised to reform its journalistic processes, cease publishing anti-Trump hate speech and instead tell the truth objectively. Then I woke up.