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KLAVAN: SOTU Leaves Four Dead, Seven Wounded [Satire]

The following is satirical.

All hell broke loose at the State of the Union address yesterday as President Trump and the Democrats fought a battle of competing symbolic visitors that quickly descended into chaos.

The melee began when the president began speaking about border security and Democrats leapt to their feet and began hurling Honduran children at the podium. Trump immediately fought back by introducing the bodies of people who had been killed by Mexican drug cartels and were seated beside the First Lady in the balcony.

The Democrats, now in a frenzy, responded by introducing a psychotic doctor to perform a late-term abortion on an audience member and then launched into a pink hat protest when the president introduced a heroic fireman who saved the baby’s life.

Washington Senator Patty Murray rose to denounce the baby rescue, shouting, "Is this the sort of America we want to live in where Mexican gang members are put in prison while babies are allowed to run free? When dedicated doctors work and slave to destroy the life of a child only to have all their efforts reversed at the last minute, we are not progressing toward the country Democrats are trying to create."

Hysteria continued to spread throughout the House chamber, when Trump declared he was sure there were great people on both sides of World War II, while Nancy Pelosi stood up and sang five choruses of the Red Flag, before she forgot who she was and accidentally locked herself in her oversized purse.

Bernie Sanders, meanwhile, became furious when he found out that Harry Reid had used the distraction to confirm sixteen more conservative judges. In a statement released by the ghost of Julius Rosenberg, Sanders said, "We never saw such shameful goings on during the good old days in Moscow, where every man who was shot in the back of the head by the secret police received free health care."

Other than that, it was the usual boring speech.

 
 
 

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