Halloween is back! That means another round of University killjoys divvying out instruction manuals to appease the pearl-clutching mob that will surely erupt should students stroll into the costume party wearing a cisgendered frock appropriating the styles and customs of (insert latest victim group).
Halloween may come once a year for some, but for leftists, every day is Halloween. No matter the time or circumstance, there exists a seemingly endless supply of bogeymen for them to tremble in their safe spaces over, real or imagined. It's time we give them something to actually be afraid of.
We already made Halloween great again last year. But in 2018, we're going to make Halloween great again again, and if President Trump were here, he'd say "that's a very great thing." Reader beware, here are the "Top 10 Halloween Costumes To Troll Your Leftists Friends In 2018."
10.) Sexy Handmaid
The irony of a "Sexy Handmaid" costume is that it directly contradicts the feminist narrative about the oppression of women in the United States. Truly, if women have it as bad in the U.S. as the women in "The Handmaid's Tale" (as many have suggested), then a "Sexy Handmaid" costume would not even exist ...
Actually, the costume does not exist now, and not because a bunch of theocratic social conservatives decried its immodesty, but because feminists at Bustle said it's "counterproductive to the cause." Within a week of being on the market, the backlash against costume became so fierce that Yandy.com issued an apology and pulled it completely. But that doesn't mean you can't create your own. Here's what you'll need:
- Low cut red dress
- Red cape or cloak
- White bonnet
- High heels
Wear it if you dare. Should your face wind up on the back of a milk carton afterward, don't say we didn't warn you.
9.) Justice Kavanaugh
We know, after these past few weeks, everyone has had about as much Kavanaugh news as they can stand. But since the Left has transformed the most milquetoast, mild-mannered man President Trump could nominate to the Supreme Court into some kind of #MeToo whitewalker, we owe the judge a good troll on their insanity. This costume costs little and can be reused in the future. Here's what you need:
- Judge's robes
- An 80's throwback calendar
- A can of beer (label it "Boof" if possible)
- A hat that says "I like beer"
When the feminists wail and gnash their teeth at you for wearing this, just tell them: "Believe this, ladies – I'm on the Supreme Court for life!"
8.) Gangsta' Graham
The Kavanaugh #MeToo witch hunt brought the worst out in Democrats. Okay, we expected that. But we didn't expect the emergence of Senator Lindsey Graham as some kind of a street-talking badass who ran out of FFFFs to give while his colleagues openly pondered as to whether or not a man's jokes about high school flatulence equated to him being a serial gang rapist. The man just "don't give a s**t" anymore. That's just straight up gangsta'! Here's what you need to pull this off:
- A suit
- Gray hair paint
- A gold chain
- A nametag that says, "I don't give a shit."
- Some bling
Find a friend to pair as "Cocaine Mitch" and this Senate posse is off da chain.
7.) Zombie Geoffrey The Giraffe
The retail apocalypse took another casualty this year, the place that every parent dreads having to drive their child past: Toys R Us. While Amazon was taking another scalp, the rest of us were wishing a farewell to our beloved friend. Here lies Geoffrey the Giraffe, the headstone bought and paid for by Jeff Bezos. May he rest in peace ... but wait, is that movement we see? This dead Giraffe may still have some life left in him. Here's what you need to get him walking (dead) again:
- Any cheap giraffe costume
- Fake blood
- A sign that reads, "Take me to Jeff Bezos"
He truly lives on more than just in our memories.
6.) A Starbucks Bathroom
There was a time where if an urbanite had to use the restroom at Starbucks, they typically had to buy a latte or two to get the password. That policy went into the coffee grinder, however, when the CEO caved to an SJW mob earlier this year by announcing a new "open bathroom door" policy, effectively allowing anyone to use the latrine for as long as they need. A meth dealer looking to set up shop? Check. A homeless woman needing a sink to shower in? Check. Two nubile teens sneaking away from mom and dad? Check. It's not the people's bathroom, it's a Starbucks' bathroom. Here's what you need:
- A Starbucks' hat
- White long sleeve shirt
- Toilet paper
- Cigarette butts
- A fake syringe
- A poster board with an "All Gender Restroom" sign
- Candy wrappers
This costume requires a little elbow grease and some ingenuity. Just draw or print an "All Gender Restroom" sign on a poster board to wear across your chest, then pin the other items of trash onto the white long-sleeve shirt.
5.) A Plastic Straw Dealer
A time will come when plastic straws are banned out of existence. No matter, you've come prepared to reap the benefits. When the people have had enough paper dissolving into their cocktails, you don't go to them; they come to you. Twirly straws, rainbow straws, bent straws, you've got it all. No paper, all plastic here. To transform yourself into a future fugitive of justice, here's what you need:
- A trench coat
- A ridiculous amount of assorted plastic straws
- A clipboard to hold the "Plastic Straw Menu"
- Sandwich bags
This costume requires little effort. Just divide the plastic straws up by sorted type and place them into different sandwich bags, then clip the sandwich bags on the inside of a trench coat. On your computer, write up a "Plastic Straw Menu" and price them by the quality. When people ask your costume, reveal your stash, show them the clipboard, and you're in business.
4.) The Anonymous NYT Anti-Trump Writer
Was it Mike Pence? Nikki Haley? Or a White House intern looking to slap hands with some fellow lefties on Fifth Avenue? The world may never know, but one thing's for sure: the anonymous writer of the New York Times hit piece is no lodestar. Here's how to help bring America's most enigmatic coward to life:
- A full-body black unitard
- A poster board emblazoned with the New York Times symbol
- A white paper mache mask or Guy Fawkes mask
- Black markers
Either draw or print the New York Times symbol onto a poster board and wear it across your chest over the black unitard. Glue a newspaper on it if will add more detail. Using the black markers, draw several question marks over the white paper mache mask.
3.) Kanye West's Dragon Energy
Kanye West's love for President Trump runs on "dragon energy," and it comes in no short supply. Like Kanye's newfound MAGA spirit, the source of his "dragon energy" remains a mystery. But if I had to guess, he has cans of it in his garage. Here's my suggestion:
- A MAGA Hat
- An empty can of Rockstar or Redbull
- Some plastic bubble wrap
This costume requires more artistry than the others and envisions Kanye's elusive energy as an actual energy drink. Get creative by drawing your own "dragon energy drink" label onto a large piece of paper, then pin that onto some bubble wrap to lay across your torso. Make a smaller label to tape onto a Red Bull or Rockstar can.
2.) Toad Trump
We didn't come up with it. Stormy Daniels did. Though she apologized for comparing President Trump's– uh hum– "manhood" to a beloved childhood icon, our minds are forever seared. So let's make a joke of it by wearing a costume:
- Toad costume
- Donald Trump mask
Pair this with a Stormy Peach and– well, actually, just don't.
1.) Creepy Porn Lawyer & Stormy
- A suit
- A tacky dress and blonde wig
- Business cards that read, "Creepy Porn LawyerTM"
No trigger warnings needed here. With this dynamic duo of a costume, you're an SJW power couple, the last hope for mankind.