The following is satirical.
According to The New York Times, a former newspaper, the FBI has uncovered new scandalous information detailing how Brett Kavanaugh pulled a girl’s pigtails when they were both five years old. Anonymous sources close to the case informed anonymous sources close to the Times that anonymous sources within the FBI have spoken to anonymous sources who know someone who was there at the time and say that Kavanaugh’s vicious assault on this innocent child left her crying and traumatized right up till snack time.
While police did not press charges in connection with the incident, The New York Times interviewed a psychologist who said that studies show all men who eventually rape women were once five-year-old boys, thus creating one more link in the chain of evidence that The New York Times will write anything and doesn’t care how much it embarrasses itself.
New York Times reporter Angela Screamypants wrote the exposé for the Times after she was hired away from her job running the George Soros-funded foundation Destroy the United States and Kill Everyone in it Starting with Conservative Supreme Court Justices in Order to Make a Better World (DUSKESCSCJOMBW). Some said this association may indicate bias on the part of the reporter, but Times board member Sarah Kill-All-White-Men responded, “Bias? What Bias? Kill all white men.”
Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication III defended the piece against those who read it and laughed hysterically until their stomachs hurt and they could do nothing but lie curled up on their sides. Mr. Third said, “It is way past time that all the little girls who have had their pigtails pulled be heard complaining endlessly about it. Because at this newspaper, we believe if it happened to one woman, then every conservative must also be guilty for some reason I can’t entirely explain.”
The Times says it will continue to investigate Kavanaugh’s past until every last shred of its former reputation for journalistic excellence is gone.