Okay, Fine. Here's Your Actual Guide to Debating Leftists Over Thanksgiving.

Earlier today, I posted the best advice anyone will give you about political conversation with your irritating leftist relative.

You can read it here.

But if you didn’t follow my advice – if for some reason your poorly-considered decision to invite an ardent leftist to your table is irrevocable, or your table leftist is a close blood relative you can’t shunt off to the local Denny’s, here are a few pointers.

For purposes of this exercise, we’ll use the guides to Thanksgiving obnoxious leftism from the Democratic National Committee and The Washington Post, those hallmark institutions of obnoxious leftism. They agree on all the main points: you’re a dirty, rotten scoundrel who deserves to be relegated to a canoe trip with the cast of Deliverance. And you should shut up about it.

Here’s how to respond to the claims you’ll be most likely to see. Remember: they may be family, and blood is thicker than water, but politics is bloodsport. Let as much blood as you can.

Leftist: “Stop talking about Syrian refugees! You’re racist!”

The Proper Response: “Stop being a jackass, you ridiculous specimen of irrational thought.”

Philip Bump at The Washington Post tells young people that if their “obnoxious uncle speaks approvingly of something you think is racist,” for example “Syrian refugees,” you should understand that you’re right – he’s racist. That’s idiotic. We know for a fact that some refugees from Syria have been terrorists, including at least one in the Paris attacks. We also know that Syrian Muslim refugees do not universally despise ISIS by poll data, and that Syrian Muslims overall do not necessarily reflect Western values, given their near-universal education in them. It’s not “racist” to talk about differences in religious philosophy. Religious philosophy isn’t a race.

Leftist: “BUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!!!!!”

The Proper Response: “Obama’s been the president for seven years. Wanna talk about that guy, or are you just that much of a historian? If so, would you also like to talk about Woodrow Wilson or Jimmy Carter? Or has the media’s Pavlovian training really been that effective?”

The left’s universal non sequiter for over a decade has been George W. Bush. These days, Bush is usually invoked with regard to the rise of ISIS. Saying that the invasion of Iraq is responsible for the rise of ISIS is like saying that Winston Churchill drawing the lines poorly after World War II was responsible for the rise of ISIS. History is a chain of events. The question is which event was the proximate cause of the rise of ISIS. When Bush left office, ISIS was a non-group. They’ve grown 6,600% since, thanks to Barack Obama pulling out of Iraq.

Leftist: “Obamacare makes everything better.”

The Proper Response: “Only if you're already dead.”

Obamacare is imploding. As Politico reported last month, the prices for the most popular Obamacare programs have skyrocketed. Meanwhile, the nation’s top health insurer, UnitedHealth, will be dropping Obamacare thanks to its unaffordable reimbursement rates. Doctors across the country are denying Medicaid thanks to Obamacare’s expansion of the rolls. While Democrats claim that 17 million people have gained health insurance thanks to Obamacare, that number includes people who were forcibly thrown off their insurance – and it turns out that when the government forces you to buy something at point of gun, you tend to do it. That doesn’t mean you’re free, it means you’re compelled.

Leftist: “Donald Trump is crazy.”

The Proper Response: “Hillary Clinton did séances in the White House while Bill was sexually harassing the help.”

Trump isn’t my favorite candidate. But claiming that he’s any nuttier than the Clintons is a stretch by any measure. Trump isn’t even nuttier than Barack Obama, who thinks that ISIS need jobs and that climate change conferences somehow provide a slap in the face to an Islamic terror group.

Leftist: “You’re a climate denier.”

The Proper Response: “You’re a reality denier.”

You’re likely to hear that 97% of climate scientists agree that climate change is occurring. That statistic is a flat-out lie. It’s drawn from a 2009 study by a University of Illinois master’s student, which surveyed scientists on the “authenticity of global warming and the role played by human activity.” Only 5 percent of those surveyed were climate scientists. And less than 50 percent of those were counted. Of those 79 scientists hand-picked, 97 percent agreed that “global temperatures had generally risen since 1800, and that human activity is a ‘significant contributing factor,’” as Ian Tuttle of National Review reports. Other leftist studies replicate these numbers, but there are other surveys that disagree – a 2012 American Meteorological Society member survey showed that only 59 percent believed human activity was the primary cause of global warming. The question isn’t just whether climate change is happening – it’s to what level the climate is sensitive to emissions. We don’t know the answer to that, and it’s becoming clear that our models don’t work, given that there’s been a marked non-warming trend over the past 20 years. In any case, even if you believe that the climate is generally warming and that humans have caused it, nobody on the left has provided a solution save for totally devastating the world economy – and even that solution is uncertain. And nobody on the left has explained why a warming climate would be an inherent bad, either – according to the IPCC, the global body most responsible for studying such statistics, “there is a better than 50-50 chance that by 2083, the benefits of climate change will still outweigh the harm.” The real rationale for climate change hysterics is simple; Christiana Figueres of the UN, who is supposed to lead up climate talks in Paris, said it in February. She said the goal is to “change the economic development model that has been reigning for at least 150 years.” That would be the same economic model that has dramatically reduced global poverty over the last several decades.

Leftist: “Obama’s economy is awesome!”

The Proper Response: “So why are you unemployed? Are you just a loser?”

As has been well-documented, President Obama is responsible for the slowest economic recovery in American history. His regulatory environment has decreased business investment and forced money into the stock market and real estate instead – hence the bubbles in both of those industries. His inflationary monetary policies have increased the price of your Thanksgiving dinner. And his oft-cited unemployment statistics don't count the tens of millions of Americans who are underemployed or who have stopped looking for work altogether.

Leftist: “You want to stop illegal immigration? You’re a racist!”

The Proper Response: “You’re a buffoon. Illegal immigrants come in all stripes. Why are you just assuming they’re all from Mexico, racist?”

All countries have immigration laws. Only ours doesn’t enforce them in any way. The net cost of illegal immigration is tremendous. That doesn’t mean we have to be unsympathetic to those who want to come to America. But if we’re not going to regulate immigration, we have to get rid of the welfare state. Would your leftist family member be fine with that? If not, how do they propose to pay for all the new Americans eligible for benefits for which they will never be able to pay?

Leftist: “You’re against gay marriage? You’re a homophobe!”

The Proper Response: “You’re a fascist. I’m not forcing you to marry a member of the same sex. Why don’t you stop trying to make me serve dinner at a gay wedding?”

Same-sex marriage provides no societal service. It may be wonderful for the two people involved, but society receives no net benefit from two members of the same sex having sex with each other. That is not true of heterosexual relationships, which create children – and yes, do the best job, all other things being equal, of rearing them. Even if you don’t believe this, it’s the left now forcing its political advantage on religious Americans. Nobody is contending at this point that the government ought to bar private citizens from getting privately “married” at an institution of their choosing. So why are you using the government to cram down your view of society on me and my children?

Leftist: “You’re a beneficiary of white privilege!”

The Proper Response: “No. We’re all beneficiaries of Western civilization.”

Western civilization has made all of us better off. As far as unnamed white privilege, it turns out that legal standards benefit non-white Americans to a significant degree, from equal employment laws to affirmative action. See my speech at Mizzou for more information.

Leftist: “You want to control my body.”

The Proper Response: “No. You want to kill a baby.”

Nobody cares about your niece’s gallbladder. We do, however, have an interest in preserving the life of the child upon which she hopes to commit infanticide. Your privacy right ends where your sucking the brains of a child into a sink for your personal convenience begins.

Leftist: “You and your love of guns are responsible for kids dying.”

The Proper Response: “My gun will save kids. Your gun control will kill them.”

Good people with guns stop bad people with guns. Bad people with guns don’t care about your idiotic “gun free zone” signs. The reason murder rates are higher in the United States than other countries is that we have more murderers in particular areas. The people with the guns are always the question.

So, there you are – a brief comeback guide for the ill-informed. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.

But if you have the opportunity, apply my original methodology for Thanksgiving: don’t invite leftists over to ruin it in the first place.

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