White House Opens New Department Of The President Is Fine

The White House Press Office has opened a new Department of The President is Fine, according to a report from the New York Times’ new Bureau of the President is Fine in a front page story headlined “The President is Fine” which says that the White House Department of the President is Fine says the president is fine. According to the White House, the Department of the President is Fine will be tasked with explaining to the public that the president is not doing what he’s obviously doing or saying what he’s obviously saying but instead is fine.

The White House announced the new Department of the President is Fine after the president neglected to schedule an appearance at Ground Zero for the September 11th memorial because he wasn’t sure what date September 11th would fall on this year. Instead, the president went to Hanoi, the site of America’s humiliating surrender in Vietnam, where he rambled incomprehensibly about the phrase “lying dog-faced pony soldier,” from a 1953 John Wayne movie. The White House Department of the President is Fine immediately issued a clarification explaining that the president had actually intended to ramble incomprehensibly about a 1952 Tyrone Power movie, in which the phrase also does not appear. So, the president is fine.