While Trump Celebrates World Peace, Democrats Deliver More Irrelevant Speeches

Some people are saying that President Trump’s magnificent handling of the Iranian-Hamas terror war against Israel has revealed him to be a political colossus whose opponents on both the left and right are nothing more than small, petty, fleshly instantiations of total irrelevance, with opinions that are meaningless and small and evanescent in their influence and small and also small. Other people are saying other things. Like, “What’s for dinner, Mommy?” or “Read me a story, Daddy,” or “I’m George Stephanopoulos and this is ABC News.”

But even as Trump celebrates getting terrorist hostages released and securing the American border and readjusting the international order so that China, Russia, and a seething hellpit of demonic Jew haters of all stripes don’t take over the world, those who oppose him are vowing to bring him down by unleashing the full force of the tremendous cultural power they used to have until we caught on to them.

So for instance, while Trump is being hailed by leaders around the globe as the Grand Marshal of the parade of history, powerful magazine editors from one end of Manhattan to the same end of Manhattan are vowing that his glamorous First Lady Melania will never, ever appear on the cover of one of their crappy, irrelevant magazines.

The editor of American Vogue magazine, Chloe Irrelevant, announced this shattering act of cultural vengeance in a barn-burning speech at the annual meeting of the Society of Crappy and Irrelevant Magazine Editors, saying, “Trump may have his moment, but as God is my witness, we will show our resistance to him by sinking to levels of pettiness and meanness that the world has not seen since our last issue.”

Miss Irrelevant’s speech seemed to be greeted by thunderous applause until she realized she had wandered into a ladies room, and the people she thought were her audience were just her own reflections in the mirrors over the sinks.

Likewise, in the smoking ruins of what would still be Los Angeles if they had taken Trump’s advice on water usage, both members of the Jimmy Kimmel fan club swore to ignore the Israeli peace deal and to pay tribute instead to Kimmel’s inspiring work of ensuring that every TV comedian has the exact same political opinions as every other TV comedian. To honor Kimmel’s protection of the corporate political conformity enshrined in our Bill of Rights, the Kimmel fans pledged they would actually watch Kimmel’s show one of these days if it didn’t interfere with their nightly gummy overdose.

At the New York Times, a former newspaper, Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third declared that he would not let Trump’s victory over terrorism stop the Times’s relentless juggernaut of misleading headlines, which was sure to bring the president down just as soon as Times subscribers stopped playing Wordle and momentarily glanced at the misleading headlines.

In a speech to the Association of Once-Important News Outlets, which had gathered in a ladies room to hear a speech from the editor of American Vogue, Mr. Third said, “Trump may be powerful now because he has all these accomplishments and what-not, but his authoritarian regime will never survive such fiery tirades as the article we headlined, Pete Buttigieg on Rebuilding America After Trump. This, at last, presents the revolutionary vision of the Transportation Secretary who made history by bringing gay people to the very pinnacle of complete incompetence.”

And so while Donald Trump may enjoy this flash-in-the-pan moment of nine or ten months of unprecedented political achievement, the powerful masters of what used to be our culture until the scales fell from our eyes have not given up their resistance. In the words of influential Harvard Professor Alan Flapdoodle, “We convicted Trump of non-existent felonies, we impeached him for non-existent offenses, we accused him of non-existent treasons, and I know in my heart that, if we can compare him to Hitler just a few more times, he will be brought down once and for all. Our voices are not irrelevant. Our lives are not meaningless. Our dreams will never die. Now if you’ll just put a dollar in my hat, I’ll be happy to play “Blowin’ in the Wind” on my harmonica. After all, a man’s gotta eat.”

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is now available for PRE-ORDER. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.