Since the election, we’ve had very few weeks without amazing headlines. President Trump kept that trend going this week, as he recommitted to the war in Afghanistan and held a rally that led to an epic Don Lemon meltdown. We even got to see an Antifa protestor get pepper-balled right in his wee-willy and the winkies. Despite this absolute cornucopia of interesting news, there were a few headlines that fell a little short. So here you are, the week’s five most pointless headlines:
1. Amy Schumer: I Don’t Deserve Equal Pay To Chris Rock And Dave Chappelle (CNN)
For those who don’t know, Amy Schumer made waves earlier this week when it was reported that she had returned to the negotiating table with Netflix in order to secure payment which more closely resembled the amount her “male counterparts” are earning for their respective series. Of course, those male counterparts are Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle, who are indisputably two of the best comics of all time. Schumer, who is moderately amusing the first time you see her, seems to have only one crude schtick, which quickly loses its luster.
After catching some heat from the story, Schumer took to Instagram to set the record straight, telling the world that she doesn’t want to be paid as much as Rock and Chappelle … just more than the $11 million per special that she’s already being paid. Oh, of course, how reasonable.
2. Bookies Will Lose Millions If McGregor Knocks Out Mayweather (ABC)
Hate to break it to you, friends, but Conor McGregor is going to lose this match, badly and quickly. Not because Floyd Mayweather is a better fighter, but because he’s an actual boxer. If they were fighting UFC rules, the opposite would be true; McGregor would win in seconds.
It’s no surprise that there’s a bigger payout if McGregor somehow walks away victorious. There’s simply no point in betting on Mayweather to win. The return on investment is too low.
3. Tax Reform, Facing Numerous Challenges, Could End Up Meaning Only Marginal Cuts (Huffington Post)
Yes, the GOP is totally ineffectual… we get it.
Every time I see a headline like this now, it’s just lemon juice and salt in the wound.
4. The Winner Of The $758.7 Million Powerball Jackpot Has Quit Her Job (CNBC)
You don’t say …
For starters, I’m quite upset that she won. I was planning on winning that jackpot. And while I would personally choose to work out a notice for my employer, simply out of respect for the company and my co-workers, I can pretty much guarantee you that at the end of those few weeks, I’d be sipping Mai-Tais in the Bahamas.
5. Donald Trump Isn’t Too Busy To Watch A Lot Of TV And Tweet (Salon)
This a terrible, whiny article from the dumpster-fire that is Salon, but the headline is absolutely fantastic. It’s true and everybody knows it; the man loves Fox, loves Twitter, and hates CNN. I really just don’t care about his personal news or social media habits. As long as he has enough time for policy and slashing regulations, we’re good.
After all, watching TV and trolling on Twitter are completely “American” things to do. So let’s join him and get to it.