The following is satirical.
The social media platform Twitter is now offering medical degrees for people who want to say they are doctors while they tweet their insane opinions in fits of uncontrollable rage.
In order to receive a Twitter medical degree you must be able to spell the word “co-morbidity” correctly give or take two or three letters, and you must be able to use the word “herd immunity,” in a tone of voice that suggests you have the faintest idea what the hell you’re talking about.
In the final exam, you will be asked to write a sentence that is provably untrue five times in a row in capital letters, to indicate that it has now become true as a result of your doing that.
The first graduating class included Dr. Bill “Donald Trump Lied, People Died” Jackson. Dr. People Died Jackson said,  “It’s obvious that anyone who wants America to return to work is a right-wing loon who cares more about some greedy shop clerk raking in the big bucks than he does about the innocent life of a grandma or a bunny or a little child with big sad eyes. As a medical professional, I’m telling you if you leave your home, you risk dying of the virus, or a car accident, or maybe from cooking a burger in the office kitchen and having it spit hot fat in your eye causing you to reel backward, slam into the wall, dislodge a supply shelf which then buries you under a box of stationery supplies, where you remain for days until you starve. Hashtag stay safe, stay home forever.”
Dr. Jane “Tara Reade is Telling the Truth” Warkowski said, “I’m insanely outraged at this absurd insane outrageous absurdity. We must return to work so that the tyrants stamping out our sacred liberties will be defeated, and also my roots are beginning to show.”
Twitter says their new medical degree will allow everyone on Twitter to speak about complex medical issues as an expert, just like they were doing before.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/feminists-furious-north-korea-may-have-a-female-murderous-dictator-before-america-satire">Feminists Furious North Korea May Have A Female Murderous Dictator Before America</a>

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Twitter Offers Medical Degrees So You Can Express Ignorant Opinions With Authority [Satire]

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The Left-wing cable news network MSNBC will soon be changing its name. It will also soon be wearing a false beard and a putty nose in an attempt to disguise the fact it’s still the same old crap geyser of socialist lunacy. The name change comes as MSNBC prepares to break away from NBC News, and become part of a group of more obscure networks that will include the Golf Channel, Oxygen, the Sicilian Mafia, and several Mexican Drug Cartels.
From then on, MSNBC will be known as MS-NOW with the letters standing for My Source News Opinion World, signaling that this will be the go-to network for people who can’t form complete sentences. 
To come up with the name change, MSNBC Executives consulted branding experts at the marketing agency of Blundering, Wakoff and Shmoe, who have launched such famous brands as New Coke and McPizza as well as running the ad campaign: “Blockbuster Video, The Unspooling Face of Tomorrow.”
Agency leader Prodigious Wakoff recently spoke of the MS-NOW name change to a gathering of former CEO’s at the San Diego Former CEO Home and Soup Kitchen. Wakoff told the gathering, “We wanted to come up with a new name that sounded like a cross between a 1980’s PC operating system and a fire alarm in a clinic treating progressive diseases. That way, we could communicate MS-NOW’s exciting mission of transforming outmoded ideas into a future of crippling decline. MS-NOW preserves the network’s core identity while allowing NBC News to quietly scuttle off into the darkness, pretending they never had anything to do with this horrific crap fest.” 
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Not everyone is happy with the changes coming to the leftist network. For instance, Joy Reid’s show has been canceled, leaving Reid to continue her unique brand of commentary at more welcoming venues like homeless encampments and padded cells. In a recent rant on an imaginary podcast that was really just her standing alone and screaming into the bathroom mirror, Ms. Reid said, “Canceling my show was an obvious attempt by the white establishment to silence strong black women who stand up fearlessly for psychopathic distortion in the service of complete ignorance. The fact is, the white man stole all his ideas from advanced black civilizations of the past like the nation of Wakanda, because the white man has never invented anything himself, except advanced black civilizations of the past like the nation of Wakanda, which, okay, was totally the figment of some white guy’s imagination. But other than that, everything was invented by the black people in Wakanda.”
But while MSNBC will be losing its status as the sister station of a major broadcast news network, it will otherwise not be sinking any lower because that would violate the laws of physics. So, for example, after the network changes its name, it will still feature Rachel Maddow, though she will also be changing her name and will now call herself Bret Baier in the hope someone will take her seriously.
Ms. Baier-nee-Maddow recently commented on the changes at MS-NBC on a media podcast called “Former News Networks and Whatever Happened to Them.” Ms. Baier-Maddow said, “MS-NBC is needed MS-NOW more than MS-EVER. Donald Trump represents a fundamental threat to Democracy not to mention a threat to South American gangsters, Islamic terrorists, teacher union pedophiles, dead voters and incarcerated minority males who are presumed innocent and should therefore be set free to kill again. And when I say not to mention all that, it’s because I plan not to mention any of it when I talk about the threat to Democracy Donald Trump represents in my imagination, a beautiful fairyland where John Brennan and Adam Schiff eternally walk hand in hand through a dreamlike field of wildflowers and lies. We commentators on the Left are running out of time, as well as evidence and ideas, and we need to make sure our voices are heard by our audience above the noise of their irrational gibbering and howling.”
Network Executives say the new MS-NOW name should be in place sometime between the end of this year and the moment shortly thereafter when the network disappears completely from our TV screens as well as our collective memories.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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NBC Finalizes Divorce Proceedings As MSNBC Rebrands To MS NOW

The following is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
* * *
With the first female umpire now working in baseball, it’s time to take a look at how women have made historic strides in the world of professional sports by ruining everything.
You see, in the past, professional sports provided a safe method for wives to get their husbands out of the damned way by placing them in front of the television where they could watch something completely meaningless that wasn’t porn. That way, the wives could get their work done, and if they occasionally dropped in on the TV room with a sandwich and a beer, their husbands would happily devote the rest of their lives to their support and happiness. Later, over dinner, the husbands could describe every play of the game in agonizing detail, which would give the wives time to mentally organize their schedules for the week, since they didn’t have to listen to a word their husbands were saying because it was just about a guy on TV hitting a ball with a stick for some reason. At least their husbands hadn’t spent the day watching some naked girl pretend to enjoy getting strangled during sex, which would only give them bizarre ideas about how they should spend the rest of the weekend.
Now all that has changed. Women are invading every aspect of sports so that men can watch other men doing useless things for no reason while thinking about sexual strangulation at the same time. For instance, after ball games, attractive female sportscasters are now assigned to interview players so male viewers can listen vaguely to some athlete saying, “You’ve gotta take it one game at time,” while simultaneously wondering what the female sportscaster would look like if she were wearing some ridiculous leather contraption and a pair of handcuffs.
Having more women athletes on the field has also changed the nature of sports by ruining everything. Sports used to reflect masculine values like winning and also more winning. But now sports also have to reflect female values which run the gamut from incomprehensible to non-existent depending on the woman’s mood on any given day. For example, when gymnast Simone Biles quit the Tokyo Olympics because she had some girly problem called the twisties, most men felt this was tantamount to losing which, according to many sports analysts, is approximately the opposite of winning. But no. The men were swiftly informed that, in fact, Simone Biles had been very brave to quit like a girl over her girly twisties. And ever since then, Olympic women’s gymnastics has included Quitting as an event, along with Crying, Hugging the Winner as if You Were Happy for Her, and Giving Men a Look that Says they Better not say Something Insensitive or There’ll be Hell to Pay.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
In women’s basketball, Caitlin Clark has completely transformed the game by causing people to realize there’s such a thing as women’s basketball. To thank her, black women players have been repeatedly beating the living crap out of Clark for being talented while white. This turns out to be a game that men will actually watch because it involves women wrestling with each other, so now men are showing up at women’s basketball games and hurling sex toys down at the court, which has also made the women’s game more popular by including sex toys. Even so, a woman’s basketball game remains the least popular American event that isn’t a colonoscopy, and when the players recently marched outside the stadium holding signs that said “Pay us what we’re worth,” they discovered they actually owed the league $15,000 apiece.
To prove that it’s not only women who ruin everything in sports, the NFL’s Minnesota Vikings have hired two male cheerleaders. So now, instead of an occasional amusing glimpse of pretty girls prancing around the sidelines in an intriguingly suggestive way, Vikings fans are being treated to two prancing homosexuals, something no sentient creature wants to see except other homosexuals who aren’t even watching sports because they’re homosexual.
And as for the first female umpire, so far her ball and strike calls have been about one and a half percent less accurate than the average male’s, which is being hailed as really great for a girl, and should transform the sport completely, by ruining everything.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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Caitlin Clark Penalized For Being Talented While White

Young Americans and other ignoramuses seem to be moving to the political Left. A new poll shows that 62% of Americans aged 18 to 29 now hold a favorable view of socialism — and the percentage is even higher among 18- to 29-year-olds who wear rings in their noses because they couldn&#8217;t locate their ears.
In on-the-street interviews with young people or just people with enough tattoos to qualify as glitches in the evolutionary progress of humankind, the subjects interviewed gave various reasons for their leftward shift.
For instance, one young man named Sketchy Boardslide told a reporter, “I believe in socialism because if you ran a metal wire into my left ear, it would come out my right ear without touching anything in-between. As a result, I’m so shallow that my shallowness goes down very deep, a sentence that doesn’t even make any sense, which should give you some idea of just how incredibly stupid I am. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to guide my battery-powered skateboard to a voting booth in order to help elect someone who will destroy every vestige of what good men hold dear, whatever a vestige is. Bye, Felicia.”
A woman we interviewed who is either between 18 and 29 years old or just so ignorant it’s hard to tell the difference, told our reporter, “When I look at all the inequality and suffering in the world, I care so much it really makes me feel good about what a warm-hearted person I am. Believing in socialism is a way for me to express the precious tenderness of my heart without actually having to do anything for anybody, because that would take time away from making videos about opening boxes of cosmetics while pouting with surgically modified lips so big they look like a cross between a gravy boat and some unidentifiable kind of roadkill. If I vote socialist, everyone will admire my compassionate nature until the country collapses in a catastrophe of poverty and oppression and is overrun by barbarians so that I become part of some savage’s harem, which has been a big fantasy of mine ever since I read a novel in which all the men had bat wings and did rough sex with women who were beautiful, fragile fairies but really strong in some kind of magical way.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Pollsters have found that the move toward socialism among young people and other dunderheads has opened up a gender gap between women, who make good money and are completely miserable, and men who scratch their armpits in public and are working on developing an organizational chart of the Marvel Comics Universe. Some psychologists say the divide may be caused by sex differences that have been socially constructed in every society that has ever existed and ever will until the end of time.
For instance, studies show that young women experience higher levels of anxiety and stronger feelings of vulnerability, while young men are far more likely to chase women down the street, shouting, “Hey, baby, give me some of that hot stuff, the way they do it in porn,” diverse sex traits that some scientists believe may be mysteriously connected.
One gender scientist, Dr. Bartholomew Creepy, says these sex differences, which are not at all innate but simply socially constructed everywhere always and forever, may give clues to why young women are increasingly socialist, while young men believe Spiderman is actually a real person but you never see him because we don’t live in his section of the multiverse. In a speech to a convention of middle-aged men who subscribe to Teen Vogue for some reason, Dr. Creepy said, “Young women have been shown to exhibit higher levels of agreeableness and tender-heartedness which are conducive to socialism when combined with their almost total inability to reason. I hope to deliver deeper insights into this phenomenon in my latest study of young women with its focus on their uncannily smooth and shapely legs.”
Older people, conservatives and anyone else with a lick of sense are hoping to avoid the consequences of the leftward trend among the young by praying for death to mercifully carry them away before the next election.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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New Poll Finds People With Nose Rings Love Socialism

The following article was originally posted on “<a href="https://thenewjerusalem.substack.com/?utm_source=substack&amp;utm_medium=email" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The New Jerusalem</a>” on Substack.
* * *
In October, 2015, Vanity Fair magazine ran a feature story about television’s late night comedy talk shows. It was headlined “Host-to-Host Sensation.” The accompanying fold-out photo of ten top talk show comics caused a sensation of its own. Much imaginary ink was as if spilled over the shocking fact that all the hosts were men. But, of course, there was nothing shocking about that. Women aren’t funny. Even the funny ones aren’t that funny. As many another foolishly honest man has pointed out, women don’t need to be funny, not at a professional level at least. Overlooked, unathletic, angry high school boys need to be funny. If they’re not funny, their genetic strain will likely die with them. That’s the kind of urgent motivation that’s required to create a grown man with the insane courage to make jokes onstage and risk being met with dead silence.
But there was something that really was shocking about the Vanity Fair picture, something very few people who were not me bothered to mention. Every single comedy talk show host depicted — all ten of them — had exactly the same political opinions. They were all Left-wingers, and they would all come to detest and despise Donald Trump.
Now, you might say that was to be expected. The Venn Diagram of overlooked, unathletic, angry little men and Left-wing men is basically a circle with a small crescent of Nazis bulging out of one side. But what was shocking — and really kind of despicable — was this: the corporations who platformed these angry little funny leftists apparently saw no reason, financial or otherwise, to hire anyone to entertain the half of the audience who held more conservative views. Their idea seemed to be that they could make all the profits they needed by amusing one half of the audience at the expense of the other. They must have thought that was good business. They must have thought it was morally acceptable. They must have thought: “Screw you, half of America. We hurl disdain in your general direction!”
Well, strange to say, this business model did not perform all that well over time.
Listen, I’m a Christian man. I try very hard not to take pleasure in the misfortunes of my philosophical opponents. But in this case, I just can’t help it. The smug entitlement of an elite monoculture that despised the common man and woman — the men and women who, in the words of George Bailey, “do most of the working and paying and living and dying” in this country — was just begging for a comeuppance. And that uppance has come.
Stephen Colbert’s The Late Show on CBS has been cancelled and will go off the air next May. The show was making 40 million fewer dollars a year than the 130 million dollars it cost to produce. And while Colbert’s paltry ratings were the highest among his Left-wing colleagues, he and they were regularly being beaten by Greg Gutfeld, the libertarian smart aleck on Fox News. That’s cable, where the shows reach around half of the network audience, and where production costs are considerably lower.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Now, Colbert was not born talentless. His Jon Stewart spin-off show, The Colbert Report, in which he satirized conservative commentators like Fox’s Bill O’Reilly, was often amusing. But once he landed the CBS late night spot in 2015, the laughter died. Maybe it was the big money. Maybe it was the Trump Derangement-fueled rage. Maybe it was being flattered by hand-picked audiences cheering wildly for unfunny rants. But something went sour inside Colbert. Lines like “The only thing Trump’s mouth is good for is being Putin’s cock holster,” might have seemed hilarious to the kind of ten-year-olds who laugh through their noses. But to adults — especially adults weary of having self-satisfied show biz millionaires insult them with a wholly undeserved tone of moral superiority — they seemed a tad juvenile.
But Colbert’s abilities are beside the point. Stephen Colbert was bad for America. Not on his own, maybe. On his own, he was just another Hollywood putz who mistakenly thought he had something important to say. But as a brick in a solid wall of Left-wing entertainment, he did more damage than any laughter could rectify.
Networks broadcast on airwaves that are a public trust. Their stations are licensed by a federal agency, the FCC. If the monologues on network late night comedy shows can be said to have any kind of higher purpose, surely it has something to do with bringing us together, helping us laugh in the evening at the politics and passions that drive us apart during the day. If you ridicule Barack Obama, then I’ll be willing to see what’s ridiculous about Donald Trump. If you make jokes about Ted Cruz, then maybe leftists will be able to find something funny about AOC. Fair both-sides comedy has the power to soften our angry certainties with self-awareness and humility.
But if instead, you declare late night a one political party zone, what comity can your comedy produce? If you think a crafty Chicago machine pol like Obama is so perfect that there is “not a flaw or hook that you can caricature,” (as one Saturday Night Live writer put it), why should I be amused when you hammer Trump for his many peccadillos night after night after night?
During the monologue in which Colbert announced his cancellation, he turned to the camera and told President Trump, “Go f&#8212; yourself.” But hadn’t he been saying exactly that for these many years to all the tens of millions of Americans who voted for Trump, who thought him, in their good will and wisdom, a better choice than the candidates Colbert supports?
What exactly did Colbert think he knew that allowed him to dismiss so many of his countrymen? Insult each night so many of his countrymen? Disparage and belittle so many of his countrymen by continually mocking their candidates while at the same time using his mouth as a cock holster for any lying, corrupt, incompetent, third rate Democrat lucky enough to come on his show?
What angel visited Stephen in the quiet of his cultural sequestration and told him it would be all right for him — and for every single one of his corporate comedy colleagues — to consider those tens of millions of Americans as nothing more than the butts of their jokes? If they had intended to convince those voters to change sides, wouldn’t it have been wiser to spread the jokes around even just a little? But that wasn’t their intention. They despised those voters. They hectored them out of the audience. They sent them a clear message: You are not worthy of being amused.
And, of course, it’s not just the comedians. It’s every morally flatulent entertainer who ever accepted his or her Oscar or Emmy or Grammy with a speech denouncing the politicians half the electorate prefers. As the writer tells the actress in the classic show biz film All About Eve: “I shall never understand the weird process by which a body with a voice suddenly fancies itself as a mind.”
For more than twenty years, I’ve been making speeches to conservatives, telling them they should pay more attention to the arts. To movies, to novels, to music and so on. I quote James Joyce to them: artists “forge the uncreated conscience” of a people. I quote Percy Shelley: “Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world.” I tell them that complaining about movies and music and publishing will get them nowhere. The arts can only be redeemed by those who love them.
But maybe I was talking to the wrong people. Maybe I should have gone to the artists themselves. The arts aren’t leftist by nature, but they are liberal by nature. They find worth and dignity even in the Other. In the West, they always have. The Greeks mourned for the Trojan women. The Crusaders sang the nobility of their Muslim foes. Shakespeare reinvented the stock Evil Jew of the medieval Easter Play by granting him his full humanity.
Is there nothing of that spirit left in Hollywood? Or in publishing? Where conservative actors and writers have to talk in whispers? Where even to be a white male is to risk being barred from your vocation? No. They will not even award the Pulitzer to an iconic photograph depicting Trump’s courage under fire. They will not even put our glamorous First Lady on the covers of their fashion magazines. Ideology has made our cultural gatekeepers petty and small and mean.
Well, forgive me if that meanness has made me mean as well. The backlash is coming and has come, and I am glad to see it. With all my striving toward good will, the best I can muster for Stephen Colbert is to repeat to him the immortal words of a man more relevant, more daringly counter-cultural and, yes, a whole lot funnier than he is: “You’re fired.”
* * *
The following article was originally posted on “<a href="https://thenewjerusalem.substack.com/?utm_source=substack&amp;utm_medium=email" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The New Jerusalem</a>” on Substack.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Stephen Colbert Was Bad For America

Economists have long predicted that Trump’s tariff and trade policies would cause an economic disaster. But in reality, it now seems Trump’s plans could lead to spectacular success. So economists are trying to learn from this experience and find out: What is this thing called reality, and why does it keep getting everything so terribly wrong?
To find the answers, the Daily Wire used the latest technology to actually shrink our crack team of investigative reporters until they were so small they could fit inside the worldview of an academic. We then injected them, one by one, into the minds of America’s top economists — except for reporter Spencer Lindquist, who seems to have dripped out somewhere, so watch your step as you’re walking around and if you hear a crunching noise, call a very small ambulance.
Our first interview was with Princeton economist Dr. Herkimer Fudd, who was awarded the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for the most creative use of the word “unexpectedly” in explaining why all his financial predictions turned out to be wrong. Dr. Fudd told one of our tiny reporters, “Economics is a science, and as with any science, we first formulate a theory, then test the theory against the facts, and if the facts disprove the theory, then we simply declare that anyone who disagrees with the theory is threatening to cause another Great Depression. In fact, in a little while it’ll be the centennial of the Great Depression, and Economics Departments across the nation will be celebrating a hundred years of not having to change our minds about anything.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-2241-a-fantastic-four-america?contentProgram=The%20Andrew%20Klavan%20Show&amp;contentType=ShowEpisode&amp;elementPosition=2&amp;location=Home%20Tab&amp;row=0&amp;rowType=Home%20Featured%20Carousel">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Another economist interviewed by our microscopic reporters was Harvard Professor Theodolphus Querulous who won the Pulitzer Prize for a series of videos for the Wall Street Journal in which he simply shrieked the word “Tariffs” over and over in a high-pitched voice and then dissolved into a puddle of tears. Dr. Querulous explained, “Tariffs are an absolute disaster. Yes, they incentivize American manufacturing and open up new markets for American products, thus freeing us from the Chinese-dominated supply chain that was threatening to leave us defenseless against a rapidly growing Communist war machine, but they’re going to make it impossible for me to afford a new Mercedes and if I have to drive around Cambridge in some crappy Chevy like a shmuck, it will threaten to cause another Great Depression and I can’t afford the Zoloft either.”
We also spoke with Yale Economics Professor Dr. Claperton Drivel, who was recently awarded the Nemmers Prize in Economics for proving that a penny saved is not actually a penny earned but really just a worthless anachronistic coin that will probably sit forgotten in a jar with a lot of other pennies until your children have to figure out what to do with them after you die. Dr. Drivel told our micro-reporter, “Donald Trump is playing fast and loose with the international trading system, whereas we were playing a game called I’m an American Idiot So Please Punch Me Repeatedly in the Face Until a Few European Oligarchs Escape to Switzerland with their Fortunes and Everyone Else has to Learn to Speak Mandarin. Trump’s reckless approach could cause the entire world financial system to come crashing suddenly down around our ears, instead of slowly, slowly draining the nation of its life’s blood, which would at least give me time to cash out my portfolio and retire to Thailand where you can marry a 15-year-old and live like a king for $60,000 a year.”
To demonstrate that Trump’s real world successes could have disastrous theoretical ramifications, an international team of economists has come together to build a model demonstrating how a stack of billions of dollars in Tariff revenues could tip over, knocking a swinging boot into a bucket that would then release a marble down a zig-zagging staircase until it strikes a pole with a ball on top that will drop through a bathtub onto a seesaw, flipping a diver into a barrel that dislodges a cage balanced on another pole so that the cage shimmies down on top of a plastic mouse.
This doesn’t really prove anything, but at least it’ll keep the economists entertained while Trump saves the country.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Economists Say Trump’s Real World Success Could Have Disastrous Theoretical Ramifications

As you know, I’m a simple man — not as simple as you obviously, but still, there are times when the issues of the day grow too complex for me to comprehend. And, in those moments when I feel lost and confused, then, just like you, I look for answers in the wisdom and moral insight of men like Hunter Biden.
For example, take the recent controversies over illegal immigration. In my charming, dimple-cheeked innocence, I always thought, hey, no one is above the law, illegal immigrants have broken the law, ICE is authorized to enforce the law, so what’s the problem? But then, I consult the wisdom of Hunter Biden, who recently said, (and this is a real quote) “People are really upset about illegal immigration? Eff you&#8230; How do you think you have food on your effing table? Who do you think washes your dishes? Who do you think does your effing garden?”
And, of course, when I realized it was illegal immigrants who put food on our tables and wash our dishes and tend our gardens, I immediately had my wife deported.
But Hunter Biden is not our only source of political wisdom in this crazy world. We can also turn to Hollywood actors. Because surely, if Hunter Biden’s life is an example of probity to us all, then Hollywood actors have many important ideas. Jeff Daniels, for instance, is an actor so talented, he can make even the most implausible characters seem vividly real, like when he played James Comey as an honest man. 
A shallow observer like myself, or even a shallower observer like yourself, might look at the second Trump administration and see massive tax cuts, secure borders so my wife can’t sneak back into the country, billions in tariff revenues, low inflation, no nuclear weapons for Islamists who believe the end of days will come just as soon as they get nuclear weapons, and you might think, wow, I’m sure glad I voted for Trump.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
But not Jeff Daniels. Jeff says — and once again I’m not making this up. In fact, I couldn’t make this up — he says, “I still think about Kamala, and how I think she would have been a good choice. Because she would have done what Lincoln did.” And how can anyone disagree when you remember Lincoln at Gettysburg, when he said, “At what point do we uplift and highlight the consumer’s right to expect that the innovation would also be weighted in terms of solving their everyday problems, which are beyond my craving for Doritos.” Which Lincoln followed with that unbearable high-pitched cackling laughter of his. Or that might have been Kamala. I get them confused because Jeff Daniels can’t tell the difference.
And finally, after you’ve consulted Hunter Biden, and after you’ve studied the political thought of Hollywood actors, you can always turn to the searing insights of corporate comedians like John Stewart, who responded to the cancellation of fellow corporate comedian Stephen Colbert by saying, and once again, these are Stewart’s exact words, “Go eff yourself. Go eff yourself. Eff eff eff yourself. Go eff yourself.” 
Now friends, that kind of witty commentary on the news of the day, demonstrates the wisdom of having every single comedian hosting a corporation’s television show hold the exact same political opinion as every other comedian hosting a corporation’s television show, because if comedians with left wing opinions are not entitled to monopolize every single corporate comedy job in show business, that would mean that corporations should hire comedians with a range of opinions wide enough to entertain an audience large enough that their corporate employers won’t have to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on network shows that get their asses kicked in the ratings by Greg Gutfeld on cable.
So in conclusion, if you ever find yourself lost on the winding road of life, remember, you only have to turn to an entitled, overpaid midwit spouting the received opinions of the Democrat party as if that were an act of daring or intelligence, and then you will truly know where our elites want the rest of us to go and what they want us to do to ourselves when we get there.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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When I Need Wisdom, I Consult With Hunter Biden

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