The following is satirical.
The social media platform Twitter is now offering medical degrees for people who want to say they are doctors while they tweet their insane opinions in fits of uncontrollable rage.
In order to receive a Twitter medical degree you must be able to spell the word “co-morbidity” correctly give or take two or three letters, and you must be able to use the word “herd immunity,” in a tone of voice that suggests you have the faintest idea what the hell you’re talking about.
In the final exam, you will be asked to write a sentence that is provably untrue five times in a row in capital letters, to indicate that it has now become true as a result of your doing that.
The first graduating class included Dr. Bill “Donald Trump Lied, People Died” Jackson. Dr. People Died Jackson said,  “It’s obvious that anyone who wants America to return to work is a right-wing loon who cares more about some greedy shop clerk raking in the big bucks than he does about the innocent life of a grandma or a bunny or a little child with big sad eyes. As a medical professional, I’m telling you if you leave your home, you risk dying of the virus, or a car accident, or maybe from cooking a burger in the office kitchen and having it spit hot fat in your eye causing you to reel backward, slam into the wall, dislodge a supply shelf which then buries you under a box of stationery supplies, where you remain for days until you starve. Hashtag stay safe, stay home forever.”
Dr. Jane “Tara Reade is Telling the Truth” Warkowski said, “I’m insanely outraged at this absurd insane outrageous absurdity. We must return to work so that the tyrants stamping out our sacred liberties will be defeated, and also my roots are beginning to show.”
Twitter says their new medical degree will allow everyone on Twitter to speak about complex medical issues as an expert, just like they were doing before.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/feminists-furious-north-korea-may-have-a-female-murderous-dictator-before-america-satire">Feminists Furious North Korea May Have A Female Murderous Dictator Before America</a>

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Twitter Offers Medical Degrees So You Can Express Ignorant Opinions With Authority [Satire]

CONTINUE READING

Economists have long predicted that Trump’s tariff and trade policies would cause an economic disaster. But in reality, it now seems Trump’s plans could lead to spectacular success. So economists are trying to learn from this experience and find out: What is this thing called reality, and why does it keep getting everything so terribly wrong?
To find the answers, the Daily Wire used the latest technology to actually shrink our crack team of investigative reporters until they were so small they could fit inside the worldview of an academic. We then injected them, one by one, into the minds of America’s top economists — except for reporter Spencer Lindquist, who seems to have dripped out somewhere, so watch your step as you’re walking around and if you hear a crunching noise, call a very small ambulance.
Our first interview was with Princeton economist Dr. Herkimer Fudd, who was awarded the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for the most creative use of the word “unexpectedly” in explaining why all his financial predictions turned out to be wrong. Dr. Fudd told one of our tiny reporters, “Economics is a science, and as with any science, we first formulate a theory, then test the theory against the facts, and if the facts disprove the theory, then we simply declare that anyone who disagrees with the theory is threatening to cause another Great Depression. In fact, in a little while it’ll be the centennial of the Great Depression, and Economics Departments across the nation will be celebrating a hundred years of not having to change our minds about anything.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-2241-a-fantastic-four-america?contentProgram=The%20Andrew%20Klavan%20Show&amp;contentType=ShowEpisode&amp;elementPosition=2&amp;location=Home%20Tab&amp;row=0&amp;rowType=Home%20Featured%20Carousel">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Another economist interviewed by our microscopic reporters was Harvard Professor Theodolphus Querulous who won the Pulitzer Prize for a series of videos for the Wall Street Journal in which he simply shrieked the word “Tariffs” over and over in a high-pitched voice and then dissolved into a puddle of tears. Dr. Querulous explained, “Tariffs are an absolute disaster. Yes, they incentivize American manufacturing and open up new markets for American products, thus freeing us from the Chinese-dominated supply chain that was threatening to leave us defenseless against a rapidly growing Communist war machine, but they’re going to make it impossible for me to afford a new Mercedes and if I have to drive around Cambridge in some crappy Chevy like a shmuck, it will threaten to cause another Great Depression and I can’t afford the Zoloft either.”
We also spoke with Yale Economics Professor Dr. Claperton Drivel, who was recently awarded the Nemmers Prize in Economics for proving that a penny saved is not actually a penny earned but really just a worthless anachronistic coin that will probably sit forgotten in a jar with a lot of other pennies until your children have to figure out what to do with them after you die. Dr. Drivel told our micro-reporter, “Donald Trump is playing fast and loose with the international trading system, whereas we were playing a game called I’m an American Idiot So Please Punch Me Repeatedly in the Face Until a Few European Oligarchs Escape to Switzerland with their Fortunes and Everyone Else has to Learn to Speak Mandarin. Trump’s reckless approach could cause the entire world financial system to come crashing suddenly down around our ears, instead of slowly, slowly draining the nation of its life’s blood, which would at least give me time to cash out my portfolio and retire to Thailand where you can marry a 15-year-old and live like a king for $60,000 a year.”
To demonstrate that Trump’s real world successes could have disastrous theoretical ramifications, an international team of economists has come together to build a model demonstrating how a stack of billions of dollars in Tariff revenues could tip over, knocking a swinging boot into a bucket that would then release a marble down a zig-zagging staircase until it strikes a pole with a ball on top that will drop through a bathtub onto a seesaw, flipping a diver into a barrel that dislodges a cage balanced on another pole so that the cage shimmies down on top of a plastic mouse.
This doesn’t really prove anything, but at least it’ll keep the economists entertained while Trump saves the country.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Economists Say Trump’s Real World Success Could Have Disastrous Theoretical Ramifications

As you know, I’m a simple man — not as simple as you obviously, but still, there are times when the issues of the day grow too complex for me to comprehend. And, in those moments when I feel lost and confused, then, just like you, I look for answers in the wisdom and moral insight of men like Hunter Biden.
For example, take the recent controversies over illegal immigration. In my charming, dimple-cheeked innocence, I always thought, hey, no one is above the law, illegal immigrants have broken the law, ICE is authorized to enforce the law, so what’s the problem? But then, I consult the wisdom of Hunter Biden, who recently said, (and this is a real quote) “People are really upset about illegal immigration? Eff you&#8230; How do you think you have food on your effing table? Who do you think washes your dishes? Who do you think does your effing garden?”
And, of course, when I realized it was illegal immigrants who put food on our tables and wash our dishes and tend our gardens, I immediately had my wife deported.
But Hunter Biden is not our only source of political wisdom in this crazy world. We can also turn to Hollywood actors. Because surely, if Hunter Biden’s life is an example of probity to us all, then Hollywood actors have many important ideas. Jeff Daniels, for instance, is an actor so talented, he can make even the most implausible characters seem vividly real, like when he played James Comey as an honest man. 
A shallow observer like myself, or even a shallower observer like yourself, might look at the second Trump administration and see massive tax cuts, secure borders so my wife can’t sneak back into the country, billions in tariff revenues, low inflation, no nuclear weapons for Islamists who believe the end of days will come just as soon as they get nuclear weapons, and you might think, wow, I’m sure glad I voted for Trump.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
But not Jeff Daniels. Jeff says — and once again I’m not making this up. In fact, I couldn’t make this up — he says, “I still think about Kamala, and how I think she would have been a good choice. Because she would have done what Lincoln did.” And how can anyone disagree when you remember Lincoln at Gettysburg, when he said, “At what point do we uplift and highlight the consumer’s right to expect that the innovation would also be weighted in terms of solving their everyday problems, which are beyond my craving for Doritos.” Which Lincoln followed with that unbearable high-pitched cackling laughter of his. Or that might have been Kamala. I get them confused because Jeff Daniels can’t tell the difference.
And finally, after you’ve consulted Hunter Biden, and after you’ve studied the political thought of Hollywood actors, you can always turn to the searing insights of corporate comedians like John Stewart, who responded to the cancellation of fellow corporate comedian Stephen Colbert by saying, and once again, these are Stewart’s exact words, “Go eff yourself. Go eff yourself. Eff eff eff yourself. Go eff yourself.” 
Now friends, that kind of witty commentary on the news of the day, demonstrates the wisdom of having every single comedian hosting a corporation’s television show hold the exact same political opinion as every other comedian hosting a corporation’s television show, because if comedians with left wing opinions are not entitled to monopolize every single corporate comedy job in show business, that would mean that corporations should hire comedians with a range of opinions wide enough to entertain an audience large enough that their corporate employers won’t have to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on network shows that get their asses kicked in the ratings by Greg Gutfeld on cable.
So in conclusion, if you ever find yourself lost on the winding road of life, remember, you only have to turn to an entitled, overpaid midwit spouting the received opinions of the Democrat party as if that were an act of daring or intelligence, and then you will truly know where our elites want the rest of us to go and what they want us to do to ourselves when we get there.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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When I Need Wisdom, I Consult With Hunter Biden

Knowledgeable sources say the Trump administration is being torn to pieces by its mishandling of the Epstein scandal. Although in its first six months, the administration has scored a string of successes so long you couldn’t read it in the time it took to achieve it, knowledgeable sources on both the Left and the Right are saying that the poor handling of the Epstein story should erase all those successes so that commentators can continue to scream in outraged tones with the veins in their necks bulging out while their audience clenches their fists and shouts, “Yeah!” in gravelly voices even though they’re listening to complete crap.
Although Trump has tried to argue that all is well in an administration that has closed the border, helped neutralize Iran, and operated the government at a surplus for the first time in over twenty years, knowledgeable sources report that, in fact, everything is coming apart at the seams, if indeed everything has seams, which remains just one more open question in the Epstein case.
One knowledgeable source, for instance, says that FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino recently clashed with Attorney General Pam Bondi, vowing that he would unleash a vengeance more horrible than her wildest imagination if Bondi did not release more information about Epstein or at least stop wearing those pants suits that keep reminding him of Hillary Clinton which is just making him crazy in the head. The knowledgeable source says Bongino then put Bondi in a choke hold and the two rolled around on the floor in a cloud of dust with various articles of jewelry and clothing flying out of it, until a stalemate was declared and they moved on to the next agenda item, which was a potato sack race.
Another knowledgeable source reports that FBI Director Kash Patel’s girlfriend obviously must have enlisted him in the Israeli intelligence agency Mossad, because how else can anyone explain why a woman that beautiful would go out with a guy who looks like Kash Patel, especially when the knowledgeable source was sitting right there in plain sight and would have gladly worked for Mossad or anyone else if Kash Patel’s girlfriend or just some woman who looked like Kash Patel’s girlfriend had simply leaned in close to the knowledgeable source and murmured in a sultry voice, “Come and work for Mossad?”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Still another knowledgeable source reports that a voice coming from somewhere within the administration has spoken to him through the fillings in his teeth and revealed that the end of days has come — or possibly a friend of Dave’s has come, it was hard for the knowledgeable source to hear because the reception in his fillings has been very spotty lately despite the fact that he’s been wearing rabbit-ear antennae on top of his tinfoil hat. In any case, if it turns out that it’s not the end of days that has come but a friend of Dave’s, then no action is currently required, except maybe putting out some snacks and a pot of Chamomile tea, which Dave’s friend particularly enjoys.
Another knowledgeable source has revealed exclusively to Tucker Carlson that the Epstein cover-up is all the fault of the Jews, although Tucker’s knowledgeable source loaned HIS rabbit-ear antennae to the end-of-days knowledgeable source so the cover-up may have actually been all the fault of the Juice, since no one’s seen O.J. around recently and who knows what he&#8217;s been getting up to. In any case, Tucker gave an impassioned speech to TPUSA, saying, “Why should it be forbidden to blame it all on Israel? Somehow, Israel is the only country on earth you’re not allowed to blame for anything. That’s why you have all these Israelis walking around happy-go-lucky without a care in the world — it&#8217;s because no one ever blames them for anything. Well, I’m not afraid of being called antisemitic. After all, that’s where the big money is.” 
Trump supporters are hoping the president will see to it that more information is released soon, because knowledgeable sources are going to continue to spread the inside story about the Epstein scandal until someone finally tells us the freaking truth.

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‘Knowledgeable Sources’ Say Only Epstein Matters, And Everyone Should Ignore Trump’s Numerous Wins

Some political observers are saying that New York Democrat mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani is a sleazy, two-faced, peddler of political snake-oil whose Communist agenda would only demonstrate yet one more wearisome time the capability of Marxism to reduce a city striving toward prosperity and peace to a rubble-strewn ruin of homelessness, crime and poverty in order to create an urban hellscape that would express through the human misery of others, a leftist like Mamdani’s virulent hatred of God, America, the Jews, humanity and himself even while he continues to disguise that hatred behind a smile of chilling insincerity and the sort of vague, Obama-like bromides of deceptive political oration that anyone but an idiot or a Democrat would recognize instantaneously as the mesmeric lies of a man whose heart has been poisoned by a diabolical socialist ideology that transforms every natural human instinct toward goodness into a bubbling black tar of destructive evil.
Other political observers are saying other things. Like, “What’s on TV tonight?” or “I wonder if it’s too late to get a reservation for dinner.” Because watching Mamdani’s rise to front-runner in the New York mayoral race is so disturbing, they’d rather think about practically anything else.
Left-leaning New York politicians are uncertain whether or not they should endorse Mamdani and have been nervously tracking the opinions of a mob of naked, blood-drenched maniacs who at first seemed to be the extras who played the rage zombies in “28 Years Later” but instead turned out to be the Democrat base. As New York Senator and career corruptocrat Chuck Schumer said, “I am one hundred percent in favor of Zohran Mamdani if that shrieking mob of naked blood-drenched zombies supports him, but if they would prefer to rampage down Fifth Avenue killing and devouring anyone who gets in their way, then I’m in favor of that instead. In other words, a lifetime of ideological pandering has left me a hollow doppelganger of the man God created me to be and I’ll basically do anything for just one more term in power before delivering the husk of what was once a human being into the hands of the Satanic overlord who owns the flaming ashes of my former soul.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
On the other hand, shapely-but-evil New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has endorsed Mamdani enthusiastically, telling her supporters, “Men have sleep-walked into self-destruction while gazing at a hot rack like mine through all of human history, I don’t see why this mayoral election should be any different.”
Some journalists have temporarily roused themselves from the sleep of reason that produces monsters to report on some of Mamdani’s little peccadillos, like the fact that he’s a Jew-hating, Islamist-appeasing, anti-American dirtbag who once gave the finger to a statue of Christopher Columbus, and wants to defund the police, seize the means of production, transform the state of Israel into a rerun of the holocaust and reduce New York to a socialist slave-city on the order of 1970s Detroit.
But Mamdani answered those accusations in a charming speech to a vast collection of matrix-like pods that contained residents of Park Slope Brooklyn, who were happily living in a dream that the world was like it is in the New York Times while their brains were being drained of electricity in order to power the Democrat machine. Mamdani said, “Sure, I’ve got some ideas that would make New York City look like it had been trampled by a Stalinist Godzilla, but, you know, Ronald Reagan used to say that a person who agrees with you 80 percent of the time is a friend and an ally, and in the same way, a person who agrees with me 80 percent of the time will soon be lying in the gutter in a pool of his own vomit wishing he’d paid closer attention to that other 20 percent.”
The Park Slope residents greeted this speech with thunderous applause and then went back to dodging bullets in slow motion because they were dreaming they were in a New York Times editorial that said yes, Mamdani’s crime-infested New York would be riddled with gunfire, but don’t worry, just take this blue pill, and you’ll be able to dodge the bullets in slow motion.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Intifada! Communism! Cannibal Rage Mobs! It’s Just Another NYC Election Season

There’s been a great deal of talk about the Trump vs. CASA decision at the Supreme Court. This, as you know, is the decision that put restrictions on universal injunctions against Trump administration policies issued by federal judge James Boasberg while Boasberg was wearing a cardboard Burger King crown and spinning around the room with his black robe flung out as if it were a pair of wings and simultaneously singing, “Look at me, mother. I am the ruler of the universe. Everyone look at me.” The court decided six to three along ideological lines that Boasberg should not only quit with the injunctions but also possibly see a mental health professional or at least turn down the volume in order to stop disturbing the neighbors. Boasberg responded to the decision by sitting curled up in a corner and sucking his thumb while still wearing the Burger King crown and muttering, “I don’t care what they say. I’m the ruler of everybody,” but in a much softer voice so the Supreme Court wouldn’t hear him and take his cardboard crown away and make him go to bed early.
The court’s decision was written by Justice Amy Coney Barrett and much of the media attention focused on Barrett’s comments about a dissenting opinion written by Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. Many felt that Barrett’s response to Jackson’s dissent was derogatory, disdainful, humiliating, sardonic, mocking, derisive, sarcastic, belittling, disparaging, denigrating, contemptuous, taunting and even humiliating — and I know I already said that, but it was so derogatory it was actually humiliating twice, and possibly vice versa.
Now part of the reaction to Barrett’s comments might have arisen from the fact that, during her confirmation hearing, Barrett answered questions with so much precision and expertise that it gave the impression that she’s a highly intelligent woman and also kind of hot in a wonk-girl Catholic mom sort of way, whereas at her confirmation hearing, Ketanji Jackson couldn’t even say what a woman is, giving the impression that she was a DEI hire, selected because she’s a black woman without taking into account the fact that she’s also a functional idiot.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
But here at the Andrew Klavan show, we feel we should take Justice Jackson’s dissent seriously because, you know, that would be funnier. So after spending a great many minutes reading the dissent in depth… I’m not sure exactly how many minutes, but it was a lot. Maybe ten even. I lost count around six or seven. But anyway, after spending a great many minutes studying Justice Jackson’s dissent, I have some important observations.
Jackson dissents to the court&#8217;s decision on the grounds that it hides behind a “smokescreen” of “legalese,” by comparing the issues involved in the case to legal precedents in American and English jurisprudence. Instead of this process, sometimes known as “applying the law,” or “judging,” Jackson proposes a different standard called the “sassy black woman” test. In this test, also known as the “Jasmine Crockett standard,” all court decisions and other forms of reasoned discourse must be able to withstand a black woman putting her fist against one upraised hip and saying completely incomprehensible things in an aggressive sing-song voice while leaving the g’s off the endings of her words and using foul language to declare herself entitled to be heard despite the fact that she’s obviously a functional idiot. Furthermore, if said sassy black woman ends said tirade with the words “full stop,” any disagreement will immediately be deemed racist even if it can be shown that it’s not her skin color that’s at issue but only her functional idiocy.
Justice Jackson also writes in her dissent — and this is a real quote, “A Martian arriving here from another planet would see these circumstances and surely wonder: ‘what good is the Constitution?’” This, of course, is a reference to the famous Martian clause in the founding documents of Planet Zeebeegununu in the Ratchet and Clank Solana Galaxy, which declares that the opinions of fictional extraterrestrials should be given priority, because, honey-child, these space aliens are way smarter than a fool like you, full stop. 
All in all, I think we can agree that the Jackson dissent is a mind-bogglingly deep dissent, if you spell dissent d-e-s-c-e-n-t.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Justice Jackson Invokes Famous ‘Martian Clause’ In Dissent

The New York Times, a former newspaper, recently ran a story with this headline: “Men, Where Have You Gone? Please Come Back.” The sub-headline was: “So many men have retreated from intimacy, hiding behind firewalls, filters and curated personas, dabbling and scrolling. We miss you.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you smoking hot hunk of hilarity, a joke is a joke, but do you really expect us to believe that that was a headline in the same former newspaper that has spent the last forty years denigrating men and marriage and promoting a sexual culture of such degrading perversion that it could only be intended to cause even a fully operational male to recoil horrified from sexual communion as if he were Ben Affleck in the moment he suddenly realized he had left the really nice Jennifer for the Jennifer with the admittedly spectacular body but with the kind of personality that could make even a fully operational male recoil horrified from sexual communion as if he’d spent the last forty years reading the New York Times?&#8221; And okay, sure, even I’ve forgotten where that sentence began, but the point is, no, I’m not making this up.
This article wondering why men had retreated from intimacy into a world of solitary stimulation utterly devoid of emotional content was written by Rachel Drucker, a woman who spent part of her career working for Playboy and its affiliated hard core porn outlets, enticing men to retreat from intimacy into a world of solitary stimulation utterly devoid of emotional content. She writes (and this is a real quote, I’m still not even making stuff up yet): “I remember when part of heterosexual male culture involved showing up with a woman to signal something — status, success, desirability. Women were once signifiers of value, even to other men. That dynamic has quietly collapsed.”
So — baffled by this mystery — the New York Times did what they usually do in such circumstances: they sent their reporters to find out what men think, by interviewing women.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
For instance, they spoke with Karen Screamy-Hate-Face, President of the Society for Harridans who are Intolerably Loud, or S-H-R-I-L. Ms. Screamy-Hate-Face said, “I can’t for the life of me figure out why I can’t get a date with one of these toxic snakes. I’ve got the pink hat, all the right tattoos and plenty of insight on how to make men be better than they are. What do those bastards want from me? Tenderness?”
The Times also interviewed the holder of the Guinness Book World Record for highest body count, Karen Spikenose, who told them, “Frankly, I think most men are just too sexually insecure. They’re always afraid I’m going to compare them to all the men I slept with yesterday. But really, I’m the sort of girl who usually takes each man separately. It’s more time-consuming, but I feel it makes for a more intimate seven minutes.”
And they interviewed divorce attorney Karen Crotchfangs, who told us, “I just think men don’t know what they really want. They say they want a feminine girl like me who gets all made up for a date and wears pretty dresses and lets them pay for dinner, but then the minute they see my penis they run for the hills. Sometimes without even finishing their drink.”
In the end, however, despite its considerable reportorial power, the New York Times somehow could not solve the mystery of why men no longer feel that women add value to their lives.
Now, part of our job here at the Daily Wire is to bring you the kind of material that outlets like the New York Times simply can’t provide. Like journalism. So we immediately sent our reporters out into the field, and when they didn’t come back from the field but simply went prancing off across the grass picking flowers and weaving garlands of daisies for one another’s heads, we sent out some more reporters to interview a prominent man on why he had retreated from intimacy. Unfortunately, the man just kept sobbing violently and crying out, “What was I thinking? I could have had the nice Jennifer!”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins). Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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New York Times Investigates Retreat Of Men By Talking To Women

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