The following is satirical.
McCarthyite Congressman Adam Schiff says there are now more whistleblowers he’s never heard of ready to accuse Donald Trump of things he doesn’t know about but which he will suddenly have evidence for when the time is right.
Schiff says his new witnesses will accuse Trump of crimes so terrible that it won’t even matter if he committed them or not, just the fact he’s being accused of them will be enough to prove he’s unfit for office.
Schiff says he doesn’t know the whistleblowers personally but that he trusts them implicitly because they include several of his close relatives, the former head of the CIA, Chuck Todd and a guy Schiff once hired as a caretaker who not only did an absolutely great job mowing his lawn, but also personally heard the president violate the Constitution in a way so horrific that Schiff doesn’t even know what it is yet and is already appalled.
Among the charges Schiff says he doesn’t know the whistleblowers wlll make but he’s sure they probably will are that Trump was on hand when Justice Brett Kavanaugh forced himself on a string of high school girls during the greatest rape-murder spree that has ever been committed by a future Supreme Court Justice without leaving any trace that the crimes had even been committed.
After escaping through the sewer system, Trump then dressed up in black face, ran for President as Barack Obama and had the CIA spy on himself in an abuse of power so dreadful that had he actually been the real Barack Obama, the press would have to tie themselves in knots to ignore it.
According to Schiff, Trump was still wearing blackface when he took Stormy Daniels across state lines to commit unmentionable acts of campaign violation that should cost him the evangelical vote, thus leaving Democrats free to slaughter unborn children en masse.
Schiff says Trump’s latest imaginary crimes are so heinous they demand an even more serious pretend impeachment.