The following is satirical, except for the part about Trader Joe’s being a cowardly eunuch, which is just true.
Trader Joe’s has folded under pressure and announced it will change silly ethnic brand names of products sold in its stores.
Trader Joe’s said it was responding to an online petition signed by 2,200 people because it didn’t want to miss a chance to join in the nation’s racial hysteria over absolutely nothing.
Trader Joe’s said it hoped that removing jokey ethnic product names would further the cause of destroying the national senses of humor and proportion in order to ensure that race continues to be a source of anger, mutual hatred and violence.
Trader Joe’s said the change would also ensure that the name Joe would no longer be associated with masculine traits like courage, honor or integrity but would instead help the cause of transgenderism by demonstrating that even someone named Joe can behave like a cowering little girl.
The grocery chain said it is even considering changing the grocery chain’s name to Trader Bee-yotch.
The names that came under fire at Trader Joe’s included “Trader José’s” for Mexican cuisine, “Trader Ming’s” for Chinese products and “Arabian Joe’s” for Middle Eastern dishes.
These products will now be known as “Poisonous Slop from the Gangster-ocracy South of the Border,” “Mao Chow from the nation that brought you mass starvation, Muslim ethnic cleansing and the Kung Flu,” and “Mohammedan garbage from countries that treat women like Mohammedan garbage.”
Although those new names won’t be written on the packages in the store, customers will be secretly thinking them, now that they’re not thinking of happy, friendly names like Trader José’s, Trader Ming’s and Arabian Joe’s.
The move by Trader Eunuch comes after the Washington team formerly known as the Redskins caved in to agitators representing precisely 30 percent of the American public and agreed to change their team’s name, though they’re still trying to choose between the Washington Spineless, the Washington Pewlers, or the Washington Branch of the Communist Party of China.
Trader Joe’s said they were delighted to join in that tradition of cowardice and hypocrisy.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Portland’s Violent Anarchists Are Outraged Federal Agents Arrested Them For Merely Breaking The Law