The decade's most triggering comedy
In the light of recent Supreme Court decisions upholding the Constitution, Democrats are seeking ways to get the Court to stop doing that.
The controversy began after the court issued rulings forbidding racism in college admissions, allowing people to express opinions of which the state disapproves, and denying Joe Biden the right to steal our money to pay for college loans we didn’t take out. The Democrat party feels these decisions are unfair because without racism, censorship, and stealing people’s money, there would be no Democrat party. Then Democrats would no longer be able to help people and would lose their jobs and be forced to live on the streets with all the people they’ve helped.
Young people especially are pressuring the Biden administration to take measures to stop the court from enforcing the Constitution. The young people argue that some stupid 18th century document written on weird crinkly brown paper in a font that isn’t even on their cell phones should not outweigh the uninformed opinions of a bunch of self-certain cretins who have enough time on their hands to create elaborately produced TikTok videos about purple Grimace milkshakes and then wonder why they can’t pay back their student loans.
One Democrat suggestion on how to fix the court’s upholding-the-Constitution problem involves expanding the court from nine justices to nine justices, three Barack Obama bobble-head dolls, and one Bose Soundlink playing ‘Don’t Feel Right’ at full volume to distract from Democrat’s racism, censorship, and stealing your money.
Another suggestion is that Congress should pass a new code of ethics for the court, so they can impeach any justices who have ethics.
Still yet another idea came from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who delivered an impassioned speech in Congress while the men in the chamber attempted to click on her, hoping to see more pictures of women with large breasts, only to be disappointed by some boring slideshow of black-and-white photographs of turn of the century New York. Miss Ocasio-Cortez said, “I have some very serious thoughts about how to curtail the power of the court and I believe…” But then everyone stopped listening to her because, really, who cares about turn-of-the-century New York?
Another suggestion came from Rhode Island Senator and thuggish lowlife Sheldon Whitehouse who wrote a letter to Chief Justice John Roberts saying, “As the Supreme Court is an essential part of our democracy, it would be a shame if it was sprayed with machine gun bullets tomorrow unless the court delivers the correct decisions to my office before noon in an unmarked brown paper bag.” In a statement released to the press, Senator Ted Cruz criticized Whitehouse, saying his letter constituted a subtle threat against the court. Senator Whitehouse responded to the statement by sending the press a pair of Cruz’s pants wrapped around a dead fish.
Amazingly, the news media has reiterated the Democrat party’s ideas without the Democrats moving their lips even once. In fact, NPR smeared Clarence Thomas for fake ethics violations even while Nancy Pelosi was drinking a glass of water. MSNBC Host Joy Reid protested the Supreme Court’s anti-racism decision by saying she could never have gotten into Harvard if it weren’t for affirmative action, as if anyone had ever thought for even a moment that Joy Reid could have gotten into Harvard without affirmative action. The Washington Post, where ‘Democracy dies in Darkness’ after the Washington Post pushes it down a flight of stairs into darkness, has repeatedly tried to sell the narrative that Joe Biden will lose the votes of young people if he doesn’t destroy the freedom of the court, although it might also help if Biden stopped firing buckshot at young people and screaming “Get off my lawn.”
Meanwhile, the court is facing another session of important cases that will decide, for instance, whether states can require you to show proof of age before pretending to listen to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whether the second amendment guarantees the right of Supreme Court justices to bear arms while exchanging gunfire with Sheldon Whitehouse, and whether the first amendment protects the right of the Washington Post to say ‘Democracy Dies in Darkness’ or if, coming from the Washington Post, that’s actually kind of a threat.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.