On Tuesday, Representative John Conyers (D., Mich.) announced that he would “retire” from Congress, effectively immediately. Conyers, who has spent the last 53 years in office — Bonanza was the top-rated television show in America the year he joined Congress — didn’t exactly retire: he actually resigned in disgrace, thanks to allegations of sexual harassment and abuse. The most recent allegation: A woman says Conyers groped her in church. In church. He stepped down only because news broke that taxpayers had been footing the bill for his games of footsie.
But fear not: The city of Detroit shall not go without a Conyers. The Old Man appointed his son, 27-year-old John Conyers III, to run in his stead. Conyers III was a longtime defender of his father: “It’s very unfortunate to see him fight so long for so many people and to automatically have the allegations assumed to be true.” Unfortunately, a few years back, Conyers III also tweeted about his dad’s penchant for the ladies: “My dad is a f***ing player and reckless as hell! He just got at this doods wife super low-key.”
Yeah.
John will run against grand-nephew and state senator Ian Conyers in an internecine war that could end with John locking Ian up in the Tower of London and then having him assassinated, if history holds true to form.