The following is satirical.
In the aftermath of Bernie Sanders withdrawing from the presidential race, Democrats say they will assess the situation just as soon as they finish counting the votes in Iowa.
Sanders withdrew from the race for the good of the country after discovering he was a Communist who would destroy the economy and rob people of their freedoms, which he said would not only be terrible but also redundant since the Chinese Flu had already accomplished that.
Sanders said he would endorse Joe Biden while keeping his name on future ballots in order to acquire more delegates so he could squeeze that stupid bastard like a stress toy until he transformed the Democrat Party into a tyrannical agent of the far-left or, as it’s also known, the Democrat Party. After Sanders made the announcement, he bid an old-fashioned Soviet farewell to his campaign workers by shooting them in the back of the head.
When informed of Sanders’ withdrawal, Joe Biden said, “That’s great. Who’ll run for president now?” When informed he would be running for president, Biden said, “That’s great. What will I be running for?” When informed it was the office of the presidency, Biden said, “That’s great. I just hope I can beat Bernie Sanders.”
Sanders told reporters he phoned Barack Obama before announcing his decision. He said he and Obama had a good conversation during which Obama wept quietly and pleaded with him not to go.
Afterward, Obama said he was trying to decide whether to endorse his former vice president or to drive a screwdriver repeatedly into his ear and then smash his forehead into a brick wall. He said he might also decide to endorse a potted plant or possibly a honeydew melon that had been sitting in his refrigerator for the last couple of weeks.
The question now is whether Bernie’s supporters will back Biden or cause civil unrest at the convention, or simply continue to smoke dope and pretend to have read Karl Marx.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/whos-unfunded-who-is-satire">Who’s Unfunded? WHO Is.</a>

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Sanders Drops Out Of Race For Good Of Country After Discovering He’s A Communist [Satire]

CONTINUE READING

Democrats and other misprints in the Book of Life are celebrating a rare victory after a weekend of “No Kings” protests resulted in there being no American kings.
The Democrat comeback ended a frustrating period of months in which party officials sought for some way to convince the American electorate that they were not just hollow glove puppets being manipulated by the sinister unseen hands of Communists and jihadis, while still remaining true to their goal of being hollow glove puppets manipulated by the sinister unseen hands of Communists and jihadis.
The turnaround came after Chairman of the Democrat National Committee, Abaddon Pazuzu, delivered a rousing and inspiring speech to the golden statue of a goat-headed god, saying, “Oh Lord of Darkness, come to our aid so that we may know we haven’t traded away our souls in vain. We have sought to win back the love of the American people by setting their cities on fire, interfering with their law enforcement officers in the rightful performance of their duties, mutilating their children, persecuting their politicians, silencing their opinions, dividing them into hostile camps according to their various races, and shutting their churches and synagogues while simultaneously cheering on acts of Islamist terror so horrifying in their apocalyptic evil we thought they’d be sure to win at least as loyal a following as Nancy Pelosi. And yet somehow, nothing we’ve done has managed to recapture the affection of the nation we’re trying so desperately to destroy. Guide our steps to success, oh unholy one, so that we might raise our approval ratings, which are in double digits only when expressed as fractions.”
Shortly after this address, the DNC staged the nationwide &#8220;No Kings&#8221; protests, which were so successful even the protesters themselves were amazed. As one 80-year-old wearing the rags of what used to be a Woodstock t-shirt wrote in his leatherette-bound diary, “I was beginning to worry I had wasted my life supporting delusional policies that promised utopia but instead turned everything they touched to crap. But now, in a single weekend, our protests managed to reduce Donald Trump from a mighty king to nothing but the President of the United States, leader of the free world and commander-in-chief of the most lethal fighting force on earth. I feel my dreams have become a reality for the first time since we put an end to all wars by ushering in the Age of Aquarius.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Left-Wing Activist Bruce Flapjaw, president of the Enlightened Institute of Endemic Imaginary Outrages — or E-I-E-I-O — celebrated the victory with a jubilant press release, saying “With the geriatric Trump forming a far-right monarchy in network newscasts and other fantasies, we were able to mobilize thousands of know-nothing political quacks, geriatric white women in mu-mus, and ivy league educated dumb-clucks until, with a mu-mu here and a mu-mu there, here a quack, there a quack, everywhere a dumb-cluck, old man Donald’s far-right form was expelled by the E-I-E-I-O.”
The Democrats mean to follow up their triumph later in the summer with a nationwide series of &#8220;No Alchemist&#8221; protests, pledging that they will not relent until they have rid the nation of every long-bearded man in a conical starry cap who is trying to turn lead into gold.
Excited by the success of the Democrats in expelling the kings from the U.S., Right-Wing anti-semites plan to follow suit, staging their own protests against imaginary outrages by declaring they will not die for Israel. The Groypers say they plan to illustrate their protest signs with pictures of doughty Christian knights to show what a brave and noble thing it is not to do what no one is asking them to do but what they would eventually have to do if the Jews weren’t currently doing it for them. After the “I Will Not Die for Israel” marches, the Groypers plan to gather to celebrate the triumphant fact that not one of them has died for Israel, marking the accomplishment by unleashing a barrage of social media posts, spelling the word Jew with two o’s to proclaim to all the world that they don’t know how to spell the word Jew.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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‘No Kings’ Protests Result In No Kings

You know, sometimes, in the hurly burly argle bargle mumbo jumbo of divisive political discourse, it becomes too easy for us to stop listening to the arguments of our opponents. Remember: we all want to see America thrive, and THEY all want to see America particlized in a self-aggrandizing orgy of violent destruction, then set on fire to destroy even the remaining traces of the personal liberty and prosperity we once spread not only from sea to shining sea but all around the world, so they can sweep away our flawed but magnificent nation and replace it with a socialist paradise that will quickly devolve into the hell of oppression and terror that has been the fate of every other socialist paradise while their misbegotten, ignorant and self-deceiving idealism slowly reveals itself to be nothing more than a ravenous hunger for power with its attendant sadistic cruelties.
But for a moment, let’s put those minor differences between us aside and see if we can try to understand our friends on the Left so we can begin to appreciate the goals and ideas that have turned them into such flaming dirt-bags.
For instance, take the riots in Los Angeles. They began when some Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers tried to arrest a number of illegal migrants for the purposes of deportation. Now sure, you could say the migrants had broken federal laws and the ICE agents are duly appointed federal law enforcement officers, working to roll back the slow-motion invasion of our country by unvetted illegals that took place during an administration run by sinister and faceless leftist operatives hiding behind the mindless shell of a once-sentient machine politician who had been propped up for half a century by an unimaginably corrupt corporate news media.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
But let’s look at the other side of the argument. We can’t just go around randomly sending child molesters and drug dealers back to their native countries. These are jobs Americans won’t do because they’re largely civilized people. And who will mow our lawns in order to weasel their way into our confidence and get closer to our children? You don’t want an untidy lawn, do you? And when you think of it in that larger context, you can see why masked thugs are pelting federal officers with rocks and torching cars and looting businesses while waving foreign flags to signal the fact they want to destroy the last best hope of civilization and replace it with whatever gangster-ocracy they just escaped from.
Now some of you might ask: who in the world would believe a crazy-ass argument like that?  But let me ask you something: Did you know that 56% of young liberal white women have been treated for mental illness. Think about that the next time one of these ladies posts her support for the rioters. See, when you first hear that most liberal white girls are mentally ill, you probably think the mental illness is just something a little neurotic like when they won’t let you pay for dinner but then sleep with you anyway. But no, it turns out that talking to some of these dames is more like being trapped in Arkham Asylum desperately trying to escape from a shrieking Admiral Levine who’s coming after you with one of those emasculators they use to castrate bulls, and then just as you lock yourself in an abandoned broom closet and think you’ve escaped him or her or whatever the hell he is, you turn around and there’s some 21-year-old from UCLA screaming “globalize the intifada” and voting for Gavin Newsom, and just as you think you’re done for, you wake up in your own bed and whisper, “Oh thank God, it was only a dream,” and then roll over and, holy crap, she’s lying right next to you. And you didn’t even pay for dinner. And also Los Angeles is on fire.
So now that we understand that these riots have the full and enthusiastic support of young leftist white women shrieking at us unintelligibly from whatever enclave of privilege has made it possible for them to believe the nutty crap they believe, I think we can begin to have more civilized and serious conversations about providing air support to the National Guard.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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This Riot Is Brought To You By Shrieking Young Leftist White Women

Today is June 6. It was on this day, eighty-one years ago, that 150-thousand men from the United States, Great Britain, and other allied nations, landed under withering gunfire on the beaches of France to begin the brutal process of breaking the Nazi stranglehold on the once-free nations of Europe. It is difficult now to imagine the almost superhuman courage it required for these men to slog through the bullet-riddled surf onto beaches carpeted with the bodies of those who went before them, in order to fight their way inch by bloody inch into the maw of gun emplacements, the destruction of which represented only the first small step toward eradicating the most murderous regime ever to stain the annals of human history. 
And that’s why, every June, we dedicate the entire month to celebrating homosexuality. Well, maybe that’s not why. But there must be some reason. Because that’s what we do.
That’s right, it’s Pride Month, and there is absolutely nothing Americans can be so proud of as homosexuality … apparently. Just think of the progress gay people have made. Homosexuality — once called the love that dare not speak its name — is now, at last, the love that simply will not shut the hell up. It just drones on and on and on. It’s so great. Really, you can’t get enough of it. On and on and on and on. A whole month of it. I mean, most sexual abnormalities, you just politely look away and try to mind your own business. But there’s no chance of that with this one, is there? Nosiree. On and on and on. That’s progress.
And there’s so much progress to be proud of in Pride Month. In the past, for instance, a gay man had to hide in shame. Now he can march down the street in a pride parade, dressed in leather chaps that open behind to expose his buttocks not only to anyone who’s interested but to the many, many, many people who really are not interested in seeing his buttocks even a little bit. Plus he can carry a whip to announce to all the world that he has a trauma-induced sexual fetish that prevents him from having any relationship that isn’t centered on debasement, domination and pain. Then he can proclaim how proud he is about that. Then he can go home and wash down a fistful of anti-depressants with half a bottle of gin and scream “I’m so effing proud,” before pitching face forward onto the kitchen table and sinking into blessed unconsciousness.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
And that’s not even all the progress. Some of you younger people won’t believe this, but it used to be that if a man punched a woman in the face, he’d be arrested. Today, thanks to the LGBTQ movement, if a man wants to punch a woman in the face, he can go to the Olympics and win a gold medal. I was so excited to hear this, I told my wife: I could punch you in the face and win a gold medal! My ex-wife, I should say. Still, it was a great moment.
And there’s even more progress. It used to be, if a man gave homosexual porn to a child, he’d be put in prison. Then he’d be killed by the other prisoners, because no matter how bad their crimes were, they weren’t as bad as giving homosexual porn to a child. Now, thanks to our pride, if a man gives homosexual porn to a child, it’s because he’s a member of a teachers union and has a job in a public elementary school. And man, if that’s not progress, then progress is probably something else. Like progress might be inventing air conditioning or computers or more effective treatments for disease. But no. For us, progress is teachers giving homosexual porn to children.
So this June, think back on that D-Day when thousands gave their lives for freedom. Remember it’s because of them that we can spend the entire month being proud of homosexuality. Because of them, and because our elite culture has become a cesspit of decadent buffoons who have no shame. After all, who else could be this proud?
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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America Now Honors D-Day By Celebrating Pride Month

The New York Times, a former newspaper, has obtained a document from the Democrat party outlining their plan to spend $20 million in an effort to win back male voters. The effort is being hailed as a continuation of the great Democrat tradition of wasting money without even beginning to solve a problem created by their own stupid ideas.
The document, entitled “How to Make Toxic Men Love Us Even As we Castrate their Sons and Turn Their Women into Fractious Whores,” includes a collection of ideas from a diverse committee of women, black women, men pretending to be black women and feminists who are sort of like women only feminist. The effort is being hailed as a continuation of the great Democrat tradition of forming committees on the basis of diversity and thus laying the groundwork for a hilarious catastrophe that was predictable to everyone except a diverse committee.
To add an international flavor to the committee, the Democrats reached out to French President Emmanuel Macron, who said, “I think in order to properly study men, we need to…” But he couldn’t finish, because his wife smacked him in the face.
At the heart of the Democrat’s effort is an attempt to learn how to speak to potential male voters by studying liberal men in their native habitats, like gay bars and the ballet. This attempt comes on the heels of the failed presidential campaign of what’s-her-name, that cackling semi-black girl, who chose Minnesota Governor Tim Walz as her running mate because of his ability to code-switch from talking like a homosexual serial killer to talking like a homosexual serial killer trying to sound like a regular guy.
In the wake of that failure, the Democrats hope to learn how to communicate with men online by — and, my hand to God, this is a real quote — “studying the syntax, language and content that gains attention and virality in men’s spaces.’” So, for instance, instead of just bluntly telling men it’s time for them to take a backseat and let women lead the way into a glorious female future of unreasoning chatter followed by helpless sobbing interrupted by snapping at anyone who tries to make them feel better, Democrats might now attempt to gain attention and virality by posting such male-coded messages as, “Hey, Bro, how about giving the chicks a chance for a change, and meanwhile pass me the soap with those attractive, muscular arms of yours.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1232-this-is-fine?elementPosition=0&amp;row=0&amp;rowType=Vertical+Show+Episodes+Carousel" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
To ensure their new man language is not limited to English-speakers, Democrats interviewed French President Emmanuel Macron, who said, “I believe in order to speak with men, you have to…” But he was unable to finish, because his wife smacked him in the face.
The document also suggests the party might want to change its hectoring tone of school-marmish moralizing, just in case that alienates some men or causes them to projectile vomit their last three beers into the face of the first Democrat they see. In order to help them stop moralizing, the Democrats have appointed a diverse committee to run a $50 million study entitled “What is Morality, and How is it Different from Sexually Mutilating Children in order to Pretend Gender is a Social Construct?” 
In a further effort to communicate with men, the Democrats are seeking to create a &#8220;new Joe Rogan&#8221; to head a popular male-oriented podcast. After a $75 million study by a diverse committee, the Democrats discovered that Rogan actually used to be a Democrat himself until he found out the Democrats were a bunch of Communist perverts. The Democrats feel they can fix that problem by replacing Rogan with some other bald man with a lot of tattoos, and hoping no one notices the difference.
To internationalize the appeal of the new Democrat Rogan, the Democrats sought advice from French president Emmanuel Macron, who said, “The whole secret to Joe Rogan is that…” But he was unable to finish because his wife smacked him in the face.
More recently, in a controversial move, the Democrats decided to add a man to their diverse study committee and, after a great deal of debate, they finally appointed Emmanuel Macron’s wife.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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Democrats Ask Brigitte Macron: What Is A Man?

The news media and the Democrats — but I repeat myself — are reeling after the release of Jake Tapper’s new book, “Oh My God, I Lied About Everything!” The book is the result of Tapper’s eight-month investigation into Jake Tapper during which Tapper discovered that almost every word out of Tapper’s mouth has been entirely untrue.
Tapper says the break in his investigation came after he managed to isolate Tapper in an interrogation room under a bright light where he continually slapped him, shouting “Confess, you two-faced bastard,” until Tapper broke under the brutal questioning and confessed to Tapper that he’d been deceiving the public for years.
In a searching interview on his CNN Show, “Jake Tapper Investigates,” Jake Tapper told Jake Tapper, “I was absolutely shocked at the depth of my duplicity. I lied about Trump’s collusion with the Russians, I lied about Trump saying there were good people among the white supremacists. You know that time I said that George Floyd’s death indicated widespread racism among police? Total BS! Oh, and how about my panic-mongering during the pandemic unleashed by China with funding from Fauci? So help me, a word of truth in my mouth would die of loneliness. Finally — get this — I actually had the gall to publish a book on the cover-up of Joe Biden’s dementia in which I pretended to take some responsibility for not covering the story. Not covering the story? I covered the hell out of it! The idea that those lies were any different than all the other lies I told — that was the biggest lie of all!”
As Tapper’s book rose on fiction bestseller lists, other journalists and Democrats — but I repeat repeating myself — also began to rake in profits by getting to the bottom of the lies they’d been telling for years.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
At ABC, for instance, George Stephanopoulos, the host of &#8220;Good Morning America,&#8221; opened the show with a special report blowing the lid off the consistent dishonesty of George Stephanopoulos, the host of &#8220;Good Morning America.&#8221;
“It’s terrible to think that George Stephanopoulos would have actually gotten away with these lies if I hadn’t exposed him,” said George Stephanopoulos. “I mean, let’s go back to the very beginning of my career. All those women who said Bill Clinton was chasing after them with his wing-wang hanging out? The only one lying was me when I said they were lying. Then, when ABC hired me after all that lying, I figured they just wanted me to keep on lying, so I did. Like, remember how we spiked Amy Robach’s Jeffrey Epstein story during Hillary Clinton’s campaign, and I said I had nothing to do with the decision? Well, I did a deep dive into that incident, let me tell you, and it turned out it was me all along.”
At CBS, News President Wendy McMahon resigned after “60 Minutes” was caught editing an interview with Vice President Kamala Harris so that a learned disquisition on Middle East politics by an AI Kamala voice was dubbed over Harris’s original statement which consisted of a series of random words interrupted by loud cackling laughter. Miss McMahon said that after finding out how dishonest she was, she could no longer work with herself.
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Bob Woodward has published a new 4,000-page book called &#8220;Bull,&#8221; in which Bob Woodward’s lies are exposed by an anonymous source called Deep Bob. Meeting in a shadowy underground garage, Deep Bob tells Woodward the so-called Watergate scandal was just a lot of minor mischief blown out of proportion to punish Nixon for being right about all the communists in the government. In another interview last week, former President John F. Kennedy told Woodward, “Oh, sure, my behavior was much worse than Nixon’s and no one covered that at all. Why do you think I had to leave town in such a hurry? Frankly, I think the entire history of the 20th century needs to be rewritten.”
Reacting to these revelations, former President Joe Biden said, “The whole thing’s absurd. Now all these journalists are blaming me for Trump’s re-election. What did I do? No, seriously, I can’t remember: what did I do?”

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Legacy Media Shocked To Discover That Jake Tapper Lied About Everything

Recently, the news stories in the media have been coming so fast and furious they’re almost like a group of muscular bald men driving hot cars out of airplanes, landing them on top of other cars, and then driving away at high speed while firing a rocket launcher out the window&#8230; because they’re fast and… well, never mind.
Anyway, I began to wonder: how can the news media report all this news in a way that reflects the outlooks of Americans everywhere across this great land, from the pine forests of Vermont to the golden wheat fields of Kansas, across the vast expanses of Texas to the sun-baked beaches of the Pacific Coast? So I decided I would take a look at the headlines of news outlets from 40th Street in Manhattan all the way to 47th Street — because that’s about all of them.
So for instance, in the news, inflation slowed to its lowest rate in more than four years.
Here’s the headline from The Wall Street Journal: &#8220;Trump’s Tariffs to Cause Massive Inflation Very, Very Soon, Experts Who Predicted Massive Inflation Because of Trump’s Tariffs Very Soon Say.&#8221;
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Here’s One From The New York Times: &#8220;Hardworking Migrant Juan Ortega May Lose His Chicken Farm as Trump’s Policies Cause the Bottom to Fall Out of Egg Prices.&#8221;
And here’s the Report from NPR: &#8220;How Lower Inflation Spurred the Rise of Hitler,&#8221; a historical report read by a person with a very soft, sleepy voice that will make you want to hurt yourself just to make it stop.
Another news story: Trump negotiated a ceasefire between hostile nuclear powers India and Pakistan.
From The Wall Street Journal: &#8220;Nuclear Devastation Averted, Leaving Millions Alive to Suffer Massive Inflation Very Soon Because of Donald Trump’s Tariffs, Experts who Predicted Massive Inflation Very Soon Because of Donald Trump’s Tariffs Say.&#8221;
Or from The New York Times: &#8220;Environmentalists Worry that Trump’s Reckless Actions on the Indian Subcontinent Will Leave Earth’s Population at Levels Sure to Cause Devastating Climate Change.&#8221;
Or the story as reported by NBC News: &#8220;Biden’s Policy of Mindlessly Prolonging Foreign Wars to No Effect Finally Pays Big Dividends by Bringing Peace Deal Between India and Pakistan.&#8221;
In other news, Trump negotiated the release of Edan Alexander, the last living American hostage being held by vampiric Palestinian monsters.
The headline in The Wall Street Journal reads: &#8220;Released Hostage Finds Himself in a World Soon to be Wracked by Massive Inflation Caused by Trump’s Tariffs, According to Experts.&#8221;
The New York Times headline was: &#8220;Sad Little Palestinian Boy Jihad Muhammed Sharia Jihad Jihad Muhammed Sheds Sad Tears of Very Sad Sadness as Genocidal Israelis Steal the Wonderful Friend his Parents Kept Chained up for Him in the Basement.&#8221;
And of course, CNN featured an interview with a Columbia University professor who once read part of a book on Israel and says the Jews sound genocidal to him until Scott Jennings knocks him unconscious and jumps up and down on his face.
Then there was the news that Donald Trump had negotiated several trillion dollars in American investment from Saudi Arabia.
The Wall Street Journal reported the story with the headline: &#8220;Saudis Want to Invest in America but Whoa Nellie, Just Wait Till They See the Massive Inflation that’s Going to be Caused by Trump’s Tariffs Any Day Now, Experts Say.&#8221;
The Headline in The New York Times reads: &#8220;Sad Yale Historian Who Studies Fascism Says He Is Leaving America Because Trump’s Presidency Will Look Just Like Fascism as Soon as It Looks Like Fascism.&#8221;
And CBS reported: &#8220;Weak Trump Caves to Saudi Demands that he take their Money.&#8221;
In other news, Trump struck a deal with China to free us from their hammerlock on our supply lines, brought down drug prices, bombed the Houthis into submission, opened U.K. markets to American farmers, made progress on a nuclear deal with Iran, and the headlines say….. oh, screw it.
***
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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Trump’s Global Triumphs Cause Inflation Apocalypse, Say Analysts Cheering For Inflation Apocalypse

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