A new poll shows Joe Biden would defeat Donald Trump if the election were held today in a science fiction horror movie where all the people have been taken over by space plants and have either become mindless zombie-like creatures or CNN viewers or both.
According to the poll from the Dogface Pony Soldier polling agency, 53 percent of voters are hoping either to vote for Biden on election day or be swept up to Heaven in the Rapture, whichever is less expensive.
Seventeen percent of voters want Biden elected because it’s just been such a depressing year and they could use a good laugh.
Twenty-two percent of voters want Biden to win because it’s about time senile people broke the glass ceiling that for so long has prevented them from sitting in the Oval Office drooling and muttering completely incomprehensible nonsense.
And nine percent want Biden to win because he cares about people like them who also don’t know where they are or what they’re talking about.
The remaining five percent are CIA Agents who want to run the country and feel that Donald Trump is standing in their way.
There’s still an enthusiasm gap between Biden and Trump. Twenty-one percent of Biden voters say they’ll make the effort to vote for him if they wake up in the morning and find themselves at a polling place with a marker in their hands.
Twelve percent say they’ll vote for him if someone will drive them to the polls and give them a thousand dollars.
Eight percent say they’ll vote for him if a grizzly bear is chasing them and the only place they can find to hide is the elementary school where they think they voted last time though they’re not sure.
And the remaining eight percent say they’ll vote for Biden by mail now that they’re dead and Democrats copied their name off their headstone.
Joe Biden says he found the polls encouraging, though he’s still planning to vote for that orange haired fellow because he seems nice.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Oscars To Have New Inclusion Rule To Ensure Absolutely No One Cares About Oscars