Obama Says He’s Proud To Endorse Biden If He Must [Satire]

The following is satirical.

President Barack Obama has endorsed Joe Biden for President. The endorsement comes after Bernie Sanders dropped out, Tulsi Gabbard became mathematically impossible and a potted plant with a sign hung on it saying “Vote for me,” was run over by an out-of-control forklift.

In a speech made in an irritating self-satisfied voice that was almost impossible to tolerate, Obama said, “I am pleased and proud to have no choice but to endorse the last person left in the race.

“Picking Joe Biden as my vice president was the best decision I ever made which, all right, isn’t saying much since I’m the guy who decided to give Iran 150 billion dollars and a nuclear bomb,” he continued.

“All the same, picking Joe was better than my decision to have Rocky Road ice cream served for desert on Thursdays although, come to think of it, that was pretty tasty, so maybe picking Joe was my second best decision,” he added.

Obama may have gone on to praise Biden’s character but after a while that voice of his just sounded so much like an ailing rhinoceros apologizing to Arabian tyrants for our traditions and history that most Americans zoned out and aren’t entirely sure what-all the guy said.

When it again became possible to listen to that ceaselessly depressing drone, Obama told the nation, “With Joe Biden we will turn away from a divisive politics of self-dealing and misinformation, toward a divisive politics of incompetence and abject stupidity. And that’s why I feel honored to be forced to finally break down and confess that this is what we’re stuck with.”

Bernie Sanders also endorsed Biden, saying, “Here, at last, is a man so politically inept, I should be able to squeeze concessions out of him until he sounds like Stalin, only senile.”

Meanwhile, polls continue to show that Biden would win an election against Trump if it were held today and today was a flashback from a particularly bad acid trip we took in 1967.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Journalists Are Concerned News May Interrupt Their Attacks On Trump