The New York Times, a former newspaper, has hired a Hitler-loving journalist to cover the Hamas-Israel war while loving Hitler.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you ancient yet smolderingly sensual icon of American political thought, how ever could your imagination fly so free as to create the ridiculous idea that a former newspaper as formerly respected as the New York Times — a newspaper that obsessively hates Donald Trump because he’s literally Hitler — would hire a journalist who literally sings the praises of Adolf Hitler, who’s literally Hitler — because he’s Hitler?”
And all right, maybe not all of you find me smolderingly sensual, but, ah, if only you had known me in my prime — and anyway, the point is: No! I am not making this up!
The actual real-life New York Times, which — you younger folks will have to take my word for it — actually used to be a newspaper, actually hired freelance videographer Soliman Hijjy to cover the Hamas-Israel War, even knowing that Hijjy once posted “How great you are Hitler,” on Facebook and shared a photo of himself with the caption, “I’m in a state of harmony as Hitler was during the Holocaust.”
Now just for a bit of historical context, as some of you might know, Israel is a country full of Jews, and Hitler, for all of his otherwise delightful qualities, was not always as fond of Jews as he sometimes pretended to be. However, Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third defended hiring the Hitler-loving Hijjy to cover Israel in a statement saying — and my hand to God, this is a real — “We reviewed problematic social media posts by Mr. Hijjy when they first came to light in 2022 and took a variety of actions to ensure he understood our concerns and could adhere to our standards.”
The Times did not explain what this variety of actions might have been, but we can only assume it included a priest sprinkling Mr. Hijjy with Holy Water while screaming, “The Power of Christ compels you,” until Hijjy’s head spun around 360 degrees and he projectile-vomited enormous quantities of sulfurous green slime which the Times then ran as an editorial.
The Times statement continued, “While we understand some readers might feel that hiring a man who is in Holocaust Harmony with Hitler to cover Israel — or to cover anything that exists within the framework of a moral universe — might make us New York Times senior editors appear to be hell-born subhuman crap creatures squeezed out of the flaming red tuchus of a demonic Yak-like beast so that our own mothers curse the day they gave us life and our children wander the earth like Cain seeking to escape the shame of being in any way related to the flaming subhuman crap creatures who make up the senior editorship of the New York Times, we are nonetheless committed to maintaining the highest journalistic standards possible for those who are in Harmony with Hitler and the Holocaust.”
In related news, Gallup’s annual poll on trust in the media was released this week. The poll found that a record high 39% of Americans have no trust in the media whatsoever, and another 29% have very little trust in the media. Among Democrats, however, 58% do trust the media, and also believe that men can turn into women and that if you look in the mirror and say Candyman five times, a monster will appear and give you Covid unless you’re wearing a paper mask behind which you’re helping to stop climate change by eating bugs. Seven percent of Americans trust the media completely — at least that’s what we think they said though they could only produce unintelligible grunting sounds because they were too stupid to form actual words.
On a more positive note, a full 98% of those who are in Harmony with the Holocaust and Hitler trust the New York Times’ coverage of the Israel-Hamas war, though two percent think the Times is too tough on Hamas because two percent are sub-human crap creatures who teach at Harvard University — but I repeat myself.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “When Christmas Comes” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order!
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.