News Media Declares That Biden’s Debate Performance Tomorrow Was Great [Satire]

   DailyWire.com
Democratic presidential nominee and former Vice President Joe Biden delivers a speech at a local theater in Wilmington, Delaware on September 27, 2020. - The volatile US presidential election enters a fierce new stage this week when Donald Trump and Joe Biden hold their first debate -- a television spectacle finally allowing Americans to witness the two antagonists head to head. (Photo by ROBERTO SCHMIDT / AFP)
Roberto SchmidtAFP via Getty Images

The news media is ecstatic about how well Joe Biden did in tomorrow’s debate.

According to the New York Times, a former newspaper:

“Biden’s performance tomorrow was masterful as for ninety full minutes, against all expectations, he managed to stand on his feet and utter words so that one could only compare him to John F. Kennedy who also stood for ninety minutes and also uttered words. Donald Trump had spent much of the run-up to the contest making fun of the fact that the former Vice President has barely left his basement and has never been asked a difficult question, but all that so-called humor ended tomorrow when Biden absolutely crushed the bumptious incumbent by never once making the sort of gaffe in the future that he has repeatedly made in the past.”

CNN’s Brian Stelter was so impressed with Biden’s performance tomorrow that he had to go to bed early and sob with gratitude into his My Little Pony pillowcase.

In a private conversation with his dolly Buttercup, Stelter said, “Biden’s performance Tuesday was so spectacular, I just can’t wait for Monday to end so Tuesday can be here. Many people say that CNN is biased, or one-sided, or so intellectually corrupt that a living brain cell would die of toxic dishonesty if it even wandered by one of our studios, but no one of any political stripe could disagree that Biden delivered one of the greatest debate performances tomorrow that anyone could have imagined or is imagining right this moment.”

At NBC News, Chuck Todd could only shake his head in wonder at how well Biden did tomorrow. He said, “As everyone knows, I am an honest, straight-down-the-middle, take-no-sides journalist of the old school, but from my perspective on this Monday, I have to say Tuesday was a Biden triumph all around.”

Donald Trump called for Biden to be tested for drugs, but the Biden campaign said the drugs would’ve worn off by tomorrow when Biden won so that made no sense.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Democrats Say Hunter Biden’s Massive Scandal Is Nowhere Near As Bad As That Time Trump Did Nothing Wrong

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