After an in-depth five-year investigation with nothing to go on but a laptop full of evidence of widespread Biden family corruption that included payoffs to the president of the United States, the Department of Justice has finally managed to force the president’s son and bag man Hunter Biden to plead guilty to a misdemeanor in return for no jail time, and a period of community service in the influence peddling industry.
Attorney General Merrick “Scarface” Garland said the deal should finally lay to rest charges that he was meting out justice unfairly when his DOJ recently charged Donald Trump with espionage, a charge that carries a penalty of execution by firing squad in the event Trump is found guilty by an army officer above the rank of Second Lieutenant or Rachel Maddow. That charge came after investigators caught Trump on video, watching a rerun of “From Russia with Love” in a suspicious manner, and also received damning testimony from a witness described as being a friend of Bill Kristol — which I guess would have to be Bill Kristol.
In a statement released to his pals at the Ravenite Social Club in Little Italy, Attorney General Merrick “Baby Face” Garland said it should now be clear to Americans and other suckers that DOJ investigators were willing to bring the full force of the law against all Republicans equally. Garland and his buddies then chuckled darkly and continued counting the stacks of quarters they had acquired by emptying local parking meters.
Hunter Biden pled guilty to misdemeanor tax evasion after an investigation by Attorney General Merrick “Machine Gun” Garland revealed that Hunter had under-reported his 2017 income as 1.5 million dollars, thereby not including the five million dollars he received in bribes from Ukraine. Hunter had originally claimed that the bribe money should not count as his income because he had immediately passed it on to the “Big Guy,” but after a 27-hour interview with investigators working for Attorney General Merrick “Joey Bananas” Garland, Biden agreed to plead guilty to the tax evasion charge, on condition he would not receive jail time but would instead receive a free Tesla Model X and an all-expenses paid two-week vacation in Odessa. While some complained that other tax offenders, like actor Wesley Snipes, had received jail time for similar crimes, Attorney General Merrick “Junior Lollipops” Garland said the two cases were very different because Hunter Biden is a white man.
While the plea deal ends this five-year phase of the Hunter Biden investigation, Attorney General Merrick “Icepick Willie” Garland, says the DOJ is still looking into other possible charges against the President’s son and bag man. For instance, after Hunter left the body of a dead hooker in a Bangkok gutter, he may be charged with littering. After Hunter hurried across a street to deliver a duffel bag filled with Ukrainian greenbacks to his father, he may be charged with jaywalking. And after Hunter spent six weeks so stoned on crack cocaine he couldn’t find the library, he could be forced to pay $32 in overdue fines.
Critics of the investigation point out that it was Joe Biden himself who, in 1986, drafted the crime bill that delivered tremendously harsh sentences for the use of crack cocaine. That bill led to an increase of over a million people in American prisons. But according to Attorney General Merrick “Big Tuna” Garland, Hunter’s case is different from those cases because Hunter is a white man.
Attorney General Merrick “Jackie the Nose” Garland says the DOJ will now feel free to continue its investigation into the crimes of Donald Trump, including a charge of high treason for delaying the business of the United States government by causing Democrats to hate him so much they impeached him for no reason. The charge carries a possible sentence of life in prison if Trump is convicted by a show of hands or just a general sense among the right sort of people that he isn’t really very nice.
Meanwhile, with the Hunter Biden plea deal behind him, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden issued a statement along with Dr. Mrs. First Lady Madam Jill Biden saying, “Jill and I are glad to see that Hunter is finally taking responsibility for his actions, now where’s my cut of the money?”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Continue reading this exclusive article and join the conversation, plus watch free videos on DW+
Already a member?
