The following is satirical.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has announced he now has enough votes to set the rules for an impeachment trial. As those of you without anything more important to do may remember, House Democrats impeached President Donald Trump for some damn thing or other then said the pledge of allegiance and made speeches about how urgent everything was and finally went home for the holidays and put the whole thing out of their minds because, really, who cares?
The Democrats have since refused to send the articles of impeachment to the Senate for trial because they’re just too embarrassed, but McConnell says if they ever get around to whatever it is they’re up to instead of governing, he’ll be ready with rules.
The rules for the trial will include:
When the articles of impeachment are first introduced, there will be no laughing at the fact that they don’t even charge Trump with any crimes, although some smirking will be tolerated and senior Republicans will be permitted to roll their eyes and snort quietly.
Every time someone says the word Ukraine, lawmakers will drink a shot of whiskey until they either pass out or start to talk like Joe Biden, whichever comes first.
If Democrat Senators declare that any of this nonsense represents some sort of Constitutional crisis, Republican Senators will not be permitted to grab their crotches and shout “Constitutional crisis this!” although if they drop their trousers and moon the Democrats, Chief Justice John Roberts will pretend he didn’t see it and move on.
Before voting to acquit Trump, Senators will be required to pretend to have taken the whole process seriously either by scratching their chins and nodding in a thoughtful manner, or by saying, “I take this seriously,” or “This is very serious,” or any other similar phrase they can manage to get through without laughing.
After the acquittal, Democrats will be forced to run through the Republicans’ legs while being hit with paddles.
And finally, whenever Democrats start droning on about something during the trial, Republicans will take the opportunity to confirm more federal judges.
Related: Report: Nancy Pelosi Got The Idea To Withhold Impeachment Articles From CNN