Opinion

KLAVAN: Police Arrest Angry Mob Of CNN Commentators [Satire]

   DailyWire.com

The following is satirical.

I would like to report a hate crime. I was sitting around, minding my own business, when suddenly I was attacked by a gang of thugs, screaming racist and anti-Republican slurs.

One of these animals, a raving white woman with the dead eyes of a zombie, screeched in my face, “If you voted for Donald Trump because you didn’t like Hillary Clinton, that doesn’t make you not racist, that makes you racist!” She then put a noose around my neck, but she worked for CNN so I think it was a fake noose.

After that, an African American man with the bizarre twitch of saying the word racist over and over again for no apparent reason, screamed at me, “We have to stop demonizing people and realize the biggest terror threat in this country is white men!” Luckily I was able to knock him unconscious, which seemed to make absolutely no difference in the intelligence level of his remarks.

After that, a crazy old Caucasian woman with a bottle of Chardonnay gripped tightly in her fist staggered out of the mob and bellowed, “You and your kind are deplorable racists and haters!” She then attempted to throw bleach at me, but it turned out to be bleach-bit, which only erased all the information in my cell phone, which she then tried to smash with a hammer thinking it was her cell phone because she was drunk out of her mind.

Police are interviewing several people of interest, including Kirstin Powers, Don Lemon and Hillary Clinton, and they are now saying that someone may have hired these people to launch these mindless attacks on me, namely CNN and the rest of the Democrat Party.

Already, this vicious attack is being compared to the attack on actor Jussie Smollett in Chicago, although one significant difference between the two incidents has emerged. News organizations have not yet reported on that difference, because none of them has found the time to look up the meaning of the word reality.

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