The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
The Biden Administration has issued its final report on Biden’s disastrous surrender in Afghanistan, and the report says the Biden decisions that led to the Biden plan that created the Biden catastrophe are the fault of Donald Trump. To show the administration was taking full responsibility for the Biden disaster caused by Trump, the report was thrown out of a speeding car in a brown paper bag on the Friday night before Easter weekend while Joe Biden snuck out of the White House then jumped on a helicopter to Camp David. Fortunately, Defense Department spokesman John Kirby was left behind to take reporters’ questions — although Kirby only became available after chasing Biden’s helicopter for half an hour, shouting, “Come back, please don’t leave me behind to take reporters’ questions.”
The report, written by the late comedian John Belushi, gives a new inside look at the intense war room conferences in which Joe Biden and his advisors designed a plan that would lead to chaos, death and global disorder because of Donald Trump.
In one meeting for instance, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General and Thoroughly Modern Milley arrived late because his adult education class on Understanding White Rage had run long and he had had to rush home to change into a floor-length evening gown with voluminous ruffles cascading down the skirt beneath a flattering pleated waist. Swanning gracefully back and forth across the war room, General Modern repeatedly advised Biden that at least 25-hundred US troops should remain in Afghanistan in order to entertain the Taliban conquerors with an ever-so-fun synchronized dance routine reminiscent of the Rockettes only more gay. General Willy-Milley felt this would atone for generations of systemic American racism with a show of support for LGBT causes until the Taliban finally learned that trans women are women and should be oppressed and beaten just like all their other women. Milley said, “It isn’t fair for the Taliban to murder girls for trying to get an education while boys who dress up as girls are only murdered for dressing up as girls.”
As the meeting continued, Admiral of the Ocean Waves Richard Levine suggested that he or possibly his twin sister Rachel who was conveniently also himself would send a flotilla of ships to Afghanistan to distribute pamphlets to the Taliban explaining why healthy children should be sexually butchered. That suggestion was tabled after it was discovered that the Taliban was already perfectly happy to butcher children, and also Afghanistan is landlocked.
Speaking for the intelligence community, U.S. National Security Director Vladimir Kung Pao said American agents should undermine the Taliban by infiltrating Catholic churches in America. There, the agents could make sure that no one was speaking Latin, which might slow the decay of American culture into a godless miasma of spiritual degradation or otherwise impede the Biden administration’s agenda.
Despite these incisive suggestions from his perfectly selected team of crack military and intelligence advisors, Joe Biden announced that he was the smartest man in the room and had therefore decided he’d have two scoops of the pistachio ice cream after lunch instead of mixing it with one scoop of swirly caramel, and would also pull out all air and materiel support from our Afghan allies so that they would instantly be forced to surrender while at the same time he would abandon our military airfield in the dead of night so that the sun would rise on scenes of panic, desperation, and destruction. Thus our enemies in Russia would witness first-hand the sort of brilliant American military and intelligence leadership that made this such a great time to invade Ukraine.
When reporters asked Defense Spokesman John Kirby why any of this was Donald Trump’s fault, Kirby said, “I can’t answer that question right now because I’m too out of breath from chasing Biden’s helicopter and begging him not to leave me here to answer that question right now.”
White House Spokeswoman Karine-Jean-Identity-Hire did respond to reporters’ questions, however, saying, “This president takes full responsibility for blaming Donald Trump. Now it’s time to leave the past in the rearview mirror and stop even looking in the rearview mirror but instead look to the future where China is conquering Taiwan so let’s stop looking to the future also and just close our eyes and drive blindly until we hit a tree, which will be Donald Trump’s fault.”
In other news, the Democrat National Committee has announced it will showcase Democrat policies by holding their next convention in the ruins of the crime-ridden Democrat-run city of Chicago, a decision they blamed on Donald Trump.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.