The following is satirical.
Joe Biden has given his first press conference since Hector was a pup. The former sentient human being stood bravely before a mob of aggressive reporters who hammered him with such probing questions as, “Do you like puppies?” “How great a Vice President were you?” “Isn’t Donald Trump just so evil?” and “Do you like puppies more than kittens or is it impossible to say since they’re both so very cute and cuddly?”
Biden said the press conference was the best time he’d had since a bevy of prostitutes had competed to earn their pay by servicing him and in fact the experience was remarkably similar, though he hoped the cold sores wouldn’t be as hard to get rid of.
Biden unleashed a furious attack on President Trump, saying the president had shown himself to be a white supremacist by objecting to mostly peaceful violence and the ensuing fires.
The former vice president said it was important to destroy statues, especially the ones with beards and southern accents because they were the most offensive.
Biden also criticized Trump’s handling of the pandemic, saying, “Trump went ahead against my advice and banned travelers coming in from China, but what he should have done was ban those little black germ-balls with the red feelers coming out of them. They’re what’s spreading the virus, not Chinese people. You don’t see Chinese people with red feelers coming out of them.”
When asked about the debates, Biden said he was proud of his performance and had always known he would be able to beat Donald Trump.
When told the debates hadn’t taken place yet, Biden turned pale and asked for a glass of water.
Toward the end of the press conference, one reporter asked Biden about his cognitive abilities.
Biden said, “There is nothing wrong with my abilities, unless you mean my cognitive abilities, those are completely shot. In fact, I find this subject very upsetting so it’s lucky I’ve forgotten what we were talking about.”
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