In This House, We Believe In Empty Platitudes

In this house, we believe.

In this house, we believe that love is love, whether it’s love between a husband and wife who’ve committed their lives to one another and are willing to sacrifice for each other’s happiness and for the happiness of the children they create together, or whether it’s two guys dressed in rubber suits grinding lit cigarettes into each other’s backsides and then exposing their genitals to children to declare how proud they are before drugging themselves into insensibility and passing out in a pool of their own vomit. Because in this house, we believe love is love whether you love your family… or vomit. 

In this house, we believe that science is real, so if a mentally ill teenager runs through the streets screaming it’s the end of the world, you should kill your children to stop the climate from changing. And if the government tells you to put on a mask and stay home from church and hold a race riot instead while leaving your children sitting in front of a computer screen so their pervert teacher can tell them to change their gender because gender is a magical ghostly presence that can be wished into sparkly colors until a man can get pregnant and then have an abortion into the ninth month because the baby’s not a human being until it passes through the magic vagina place and the mother doesn’t even have a vagina because he’s a man, then you should immediately go outside and pray to a gigantic windmill so it will supply enough electricity to power the entire country without any fossil fuels. Because in this house, we believe that science is real… like… Tinker bell. Or Moloch. 

In this house, we believe that black lives matter. So if a black gangster should drive by in his stolen Hyundai Sonata and spray a black neighborhood with bullets wiping out a five-year-old child, a postman, and a single mother working two jobs to support her family, and if that gangster then tries to outrace a police car so that his stolen Sonata drives over a kid on a tricycle before careening through a living room picture window and killing a family of five in a flaming explosion, and if the police officer then trades fire with the gangster and shoots him dead to protect the rest of the neighborhood, then that officer should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law because in this house, we believe black lives matter.

In this house, we believe that women’s rights are human rights because any human can be a woman if he puts on a dress and a string of pearls, and no woman should have the right to say he’s not a woman or that he can’t come into her locker room and watch her undress just because he’s a woman who happens to have an erection. And no woman should have the right to stop that erect woman from stealing her athletic achievements just because he’s a woman who’s a man. So — no woman should have the right to complain or achieve or speak or live in peace because in this house, we believe women’s rights are human rights and any human can be a woman so women have no rights.

In this house, we believe in progress. In the bad old days, people were slaves to convention and had to wear suits and ties and listen to boring music like Bach and Mozart and use words that expressed assigned meanings and only have sex if they were married. But now there’s progress! So we can go naked with our bodies covered in tattoos and with metal spikes stuck in our noses and our eyebrows while we grunt wordlessly to the sound of deafening foul-mouthed hip-hop and have sex with anything that feels good until it squirms out of our grasp and escapes back into the forest, because in this house, we believe ooga booga naga noona nana zoogaga waga booliya.

Which means: In this house, we believe kindness is everything. And if you disagree, we’ll kill you.

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is “A Strange Habit of Mind,” book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

This is an excerpt from the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.