In a stunningly brave act of stunningly brave stunning bravery, the entire journalistic staff of the Atlantic has declared that Donald Trump, if re-elected, will become a dictator. No other journalistic outlet has made such a stunningly brave claim except the New York Times, the Washington Post, USA Today, Reuters, the Associated Press, NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, National Review, Fox News — though only in private emails — and the New Yorker. And Cosmopolitan. And also Esquire. And that guy who says he used to be a journalist but now just hangs out in Herald Square using his dental fillings to contact Venus where journalists have also declared that Trump will be a dictator, which is an act of stunning bravery for Venutians who are normally a more timid, reticent race of people due to the fact they don’t exist — sort of like the intelligence of American journalists.
What makes the Atlantic’s stunningly brave claim that Trump will be a dictator both more stunning and also more brave than the other stunningly brave claims that Trump will be a dictator made by all the other stunningly brave news outlets, is that just before the stunningly brave claim was made by the Atlantic, Atlantic executive editor Adrienne Hysterical actually received a visitation from the Ghost of National Review, warning her in a hollow ghostly moan, “Do not dedicate your entire staff to a Never Trump issue or you will become completely irrelevant like me.” Miss Hysterical ignored the warning, however, because it came from National Review and no one listens to them anymore.
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Atlantic staff journalist Susan Hysterical — no relation to Adrienne Hysterical, just another hysterical woman in the news business… but anyway, Atlantic staff journalist Susan Hysterical said she was committed to taking the stunningly brave step of predicting Trump would be a dictator, even though some people might call her Hysterical because that was her name, and also because she was hysterical.
Speaking to a room of confused oceanographers who had shown up at the wrong meeting, Miss Hysterical said, “If Donald Trump is re-elected, he will move to prosecute his political opponents, silence those who disagree with him on social media, use the FBI to raid the homes of dissenters in the dead of night, and sentence protestors to extraordinarily long terms in prison for misdemeanors clearly incited by federal agents.”
The oceanographers, who had come expecting to see the Atlantic, but instead had found only a hysterical journalist named Hysterical, pointed out that Democrats were already doing all those dictatorial things to Trump and his supporters. Miss Hysterical responded, “Yes, but that’s different because Democrats are good people who can be counted on to sexualize children, demonize whites, degrade blacks, hate Jews and rationalize the unimaginable atrocities of Islamist terrorists in the name of an insane academic ideology, so when they violate every tenet of good American governance, it’s okay. By the way, this is the Atlantic magazine, not the ocean.”
Another Atlantic staffer at the press conference for confused oceanographers was Denarius Hyperventilation, who was also not related to Adrienne Hysterical, though he did identify as a hysterical woman and had even had his testicles removed so he could work in mainstream journalism. Mr. Hyperventilation told the oceanographers, “When I stand on the shores of this magazine, looking across the waves to Europe, I am deeply disturbed by the rise of the far right and their phobic opposition to being slaughtered by Islamists. I fear that slaughter-phobia may come to America, if American voters end democracy by practicing democracy.”
Meanwhile, in a Fox News town hall with former Sean Hannity Sean Hannity, Donald Trump himself was asked if he planned to become a dictator. Mr. Trump responded, “I will absolutely become a dictator. I am sick and tired of writing my own memos, so my staff better learn to take dictation because when I am done dictating, people in both parties will say this is the best dictating that any dictator has ever done, maybe even better than Napoleon, who was dictating in French so who even knows what the hell he was talking about. Also, I’ll put all those Democrat bastards in prison where they belong.”
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.