You may have heard a news story out of Scotland this week about “Willy’s Chocolate Experience.”
Advertisements for the event featured gorgeous illustrations reminiscent of Roald Dahl’s “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and promised “an immersive world where chocolatey dreams become reality in a spectacle you’ve never experienced before.”
That last part turned out to be true — because when parents who’d paid $45 a ticket drove their children as much as two hours to reach the event, they found nothing but a nearly empty warehouse with a couple of giant plastic mushrooms and a deflating bouncy castle, where each child was given two jelly beans and a half cup of lemonade.
So it was indeed something they had never experienced before, assuming they’d never before experienced spending $45 for a couple of jelly beans.
Unfortunately, the story doesn’t end there, because here in the U.S. a very similar event has turned up called “Joe Biden’s Democrat Experience,” where customers are invited to visit “a magical and immersive nation of peace and equity” and instead are disappointingly shot dead by a guy who was released from prison two hours after he shot the last customer.
Family man Jack Mahoney said he bought tickets for himself, his wife and two kids because the ads promised a “visually stunning re-creation of a victorious Ukraine celebrating its inclusion in NATO,” but instead found nothing inside except a nuclear blast that destroyed the entire continent of Europe. Mahoney said, “It was a big letdown for the kids. They were really excited to enter the colorful and immersive experience of Joe Biden’s successful foreign policy and instead they were just totally vaporized. All we got was a Dixie cup with some flat ginger ale in it, and some baggies to collect the handfuls of radioactive dust that used to be Jimmy and Jane. We’re still trying to get a refund.”
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The organization Queers for a Free Palestine rented an entire tour bus to visit the realistic Two State Solution exhibit and they haven’t been seen since. According to bus driver Ray Wilson who was waiting for the tour group outside, “I heard a lot of laughing and shrieking coming from the building, so I thought everyone was having a great time. But when I went in to collect my passengers, boy, it didn’t look anything like the advertisements. There weren’t even two states. Or that is, there were, but only for a few minutes. Then there was just the one state with all the dead queers in it.”
Other visitors to Joe Biden’s Democrat Experience have complained that they headed out with their $45 for tickets but when they reached the place after an hour’s drive, the price had already gone up to $600. And some say what was advertised as a “fantabulous fantasy land of gender equality,” turned out to be nothing but a long-haired psychopath in a female admiral’s costume chasing their sons around with a scalpel.
Not all the customers were disappointed though. A small gathering of ten million illegal immigrants was drawn in by promises of “a beautiful sanctuary city of the imagination where there’s no more need for police because the prosecutors don’t charge anyone with crimes anyway.” Salvadoran Gang-leader Pablo Remuneratos said, “It was just as good as advertised. I walked out with fifteen free Rolex watches and a fur coat, not to mention the screaming woman who was wearing the fur coat — and these people dressed up as police officers just waved and smiled and said, ‘Welcome to the Joe Biden Democrat Experience!’ They made me feel right at home.”
Others said the event was simply confusing, as when they tried to get into what was described in the ads as “a dark and terrifying funhouse that will immerse you in a nightmarish vision of a second Donald Trump administration.” Visitor Tom Coleman said, “We were expecting some horror-type thrills and chills, but it was actually kind of peaceful and pleasant — until someone from NBC News showed up and set the whole thing on fire. We asked him what the hell he did that for, and he said he just wanted to make it look more like the advertisements.”
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.