The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
As you know, we Hollywood writers are on strike right now. And you may be saying to yourself: “Oh no! Who will take our favorite childhood cartoon characters and transform them into sexually deviant groomers so that the minds and lives of our own children can be destroyed by the very franchises we had come to love and trust?” And yes, that is a problem, but the fact is the corrupt, greedy industry moguls who have been pumping toxic and immoral sludge into our culture for the last sixty years aren’t paying us enough to write the scripts.
Now, if the strike continues too long, screen content may start to dry up, and some of you may be forced to seek your entertainment elsewhere, like in great novels or conversation with your friends or classic old films on TCM or even just quietly reading the Bible to yourself until you never want to watch another morally repugnant modern movie ever again and may even be inspired to hunt down every Hollywood content creator of any kind whatsoever and tie his shoelaces together while he’s napping so that when he wakes up and gets to his feet, he falls over and cracks his head open and gets to feel what it’s like for the rest of us to watch a modern American movie.
In order to prevent that from happening, I personally would like to ban the Bible before you find out what’s in it, but there’s just too many damn copies out there, so instead, I’ll try to divert your attention by giving you a rundown of the great, great content we’re just waiting to write for you as soon as we can get the miserable capitalist pigs who are destroying our culture to pay us fairly for helping them.
One upcoming movie we have in the pipeline is the latest entry in the most popular DC franchise, “Superman.” In this sequel, the man of steel rushes to Metropolis to destroy a swarm of murderous invaders and is then charged with first degree manslaughter by Metropolis District Attorney Alvin Bragg.
We’re also planning a modern take on the 1970’s Watergate blockbuster “All the President’s Men” in which once again, a sleazy and untrustworthy presidential candidate is exposed dragging our government agencies into a series of despicable dirty campaign tricks, until the intrepid reporters of the Washington Post cover the story up.
Then we’re rebooting the great “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. In film one, Frodo fights through Orcs to reach Mount Doom until he’s charged with first degree manslaughter by Mordor District Attorney Alvin Bragg. In the sequel, George Soros mysteriously becomes invisible, then later turns up as a corrupt, twisted, deformed blue creature of darkness who contributes to Bragg’s reelection campaign. The final film details the war between Soros and an army of conservatives, who want to destroy the corrupt, twisted, deformed creature of darkness because they just don’t like Bluish people.
In the whodunit genre, we’ll be rolling out “Moonlight Two” in which a homosexual black detective tries to solve the mystery of how a film can win an Oscar when literally no one has ever seen it.
Unfortunately, Anthony Hopkins has grown too old to play Hannibal Lecter, but we have attached Denzel Washington to star as the cannibal serial killer who cooks and eats a census taker’s liver with fava beans and a fine chianti and is then charged by Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg with cooking over an open flame without a permit.
The Marvel Universe will continue to expand with “Native American Panther.” In this brilliant epic of virtue signaling and racial pandering, history is rewritten when Native Americans develop the world’s greatest culture after a space rock falls on them and magically turns them into Europeans. Superhero Native American Panther then sets out to spread the gift to the world until he realizes that Native Americans never invented the wheel so he can’t go anywhere.
And finally, in a real life sequel to 2011’s pandemic thriller “Contagion,” a fast spreading flu virus threatens to kill 80-year-olds until heroic government doctor Anthony Fauci destroys the economy, strips Americans of their civil rights, ruins the lives of children and then sets out to try to solve the mystery of why the disease caused so much damage to society.
So — there are great films coming your way as soon as we can get back to work in the movie industry. Meanwhile, stop reading the Bible or there won’t be a movie industry.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.