The decade's most triggering comedy
It seems like every single person in the world is talking about Taylor Swift’s new — and annoying — “romance” with Kansas City Chiefs’ tight end Travis Kelce. I recently weighed in on Taylor Swift, reminding people why I will never be a Swifty: She is a manipulative, conniving young lady — and by “young,” I mean that she engages in petty behavior even though she is an adult woman who will turn 34 in December. Despite what the marketing machine tries to convince people of, she is not a nice girl. Just a couple weeks ago she was spotted out with Sophie Turner, who married Joe Jonas, Swift’s ex-boyfriend from 15 years ago.
While you would think she would be over that breakup and would not do anything vindictive since he long ago moved on with his life, Swift is not that person. She, instead, decided to embrace Turner, becoming her instant best friend. The whole thing is incredibly immature. Jonas and Turner were married, they are in the middle of a divorce, and they have two young children. This is a real relationship — not some five-minute flash-in-the-pan relationship like Swift is famous for. But none of that matters because for Swift, getting back at her ex was just too irresistible. She not only opened her arms to Turner, she opened her home to her, so Jonas could really feel the burn. The paparazzi have, of course, been following them around, and his and Turner’s daughter was recently spotted leaving his ex-girlfriend’s apartment — his ex-girlfriend of over a decade ago.
But people ignore this side of Swift. They pretend she’s a nice girl because she makes music that appeals to angsty teenagers so everyone just thinks of her as an angsty 15-year-old, completely ignoring the fact that she’s a 34-year-old adult woman who has a very odd dating pattern. If she is so wonderful and great and sweet, why hasn’t anyone stepped up to the plate to marry her? Why didn’t Joe Alwyn want to marry her after six years of dating her? Maybe it’s because Taylor Swift has a lot of personalities. Her fans, however, seem to think that’s cute and fun. Girls dress up as one of Swift’s personalities to go to her performance on the Eras tour, but I just think it’s odd. I think her behavior is really cringeworthy, including her recent fling and all the publicity coming with it.
While no one seems to know the whole story, Travis Kelce went to Swift’s Eras tour, along with a lot of other Chiefs players because the concert was in their stadium. As with all her concerts, audience members received friendship bracelets because, again, she’s still really leaning into this 15-year-old persona at the ripe age of 34. Apparently, Kelce wrote his number on the back of his bracelet and supposedly Swift never received it.
This news broke in the press, and my guess is that Swift’s excellent million-dollar marketing team sat down behind the scenes and told her Kelce wanted to go on a date with her, they thought this would be a good relationship for her, and this would help her brand after calculating how many songs she could write and how much money she could make by stepping into an area she’s never been in before. This could be a new personality. It is the dawn of a new Taylor era.
I think this marketing team said this would be a good decision. Kelce doesn’t have too bad of a history like Matt Healy, who her team no doubt told her to break up with immediately. I think this is what actually goes on behind the scenes. So Swift decided she would go to the Chiefs’ game and completely adapt her personality because while she used to be the girl who was in the marching band (as she showed everyone in her first album), it was now time for her to be the cheerleader in the stands.
But this relationship is honestly just creepy to begin with. First and foremost, Swift has a bad habit of becoming friends with the mom of whoever she’s dating way too soon. She did this with 1975’s Matt Healy’s mom. (Healy is her former two-week fling.) “Oh, I love moms! Yay! I’m 15 and moms are great!” Amazing.
The same can be said of Swift with Kelce’s mom; she sat with Kelce’s mom at the first game she attended. So far as I know, Swift doesn’t even follow football. In fact, I feel quite comfortable saying Swift does not follow football. But, wow, did she follow football the two Sundays she has been rooting on the Chiefs, looking like the most dedicated Kansas City Chiefs’ fan that has ever lived. She looked like she might pass out if they didn’t complete a pass. It was so fake, so plastic, so manufactured, and so very inauthentic. But that has always been my assessment of Swift.
If I were a part of her marketing team, I would advise her to stick with this relationship, at least through football season, and if you’re really smart, for the next two years. I would tell her that no one has any idea how calculated you are, and you will have time to write an entire album about this. A new version of Taylor Swift, this time being the person who is dating someone on a football team as the cheerleader.
Not everyone has missed this though. TikTok’s @willkingmusic did not miss the opportunity to predict just what sort of songs she might write after her breakup with Kelce with lyrics like, “Wish I could go back when we met that day and throw a flag on the play.”
— Will King (@willkingmusic) September 28, 2023
Another TikTok trend that’s made its way through people’s algorithms is one from the real football fans. The real ones aren’t falling for this. Wives have been pranking their husbands by saying Taylor Swift put Travis Kelce on the map — and the husbands are not having any of it.
This trend has us ROLLING😂😭
— MuchMusic (@Much) September 27, 2023
The fandom of Taylor Swift is bizarre. It is just bizarre. If you are a young person and can’t see that she’s calculated, manipulative, and definitely not a nice girl, fine. But if you are an adult human being and you cannot see this for what it is, just wait a few months for when she and Kelce break up — so I can tell you I was right.