CNN Announces Debate Lineup of Imaginary Electable Democrats [Satire]

The following is satirical.

CNN has announced the lineup for the second Democrat debate. After a thrilling on-air spectacle of a selection process watched by every single cameraman on the set, the cable channel revealed the results to the rest of us, in a statement that said: “America is in crisis. A fascist dictator has taken over the White House slaughtering everyone who dares to criticize his cruel reign, so that we are forced to go into hiding by being on CNN where no one will see us. Because of this, we feel that the terms of the first debate were unacceptable, allowing the Democrat candidates to display their unworkable ideas, their cringingly fake personalities, and their radical hatred of the country they are asking to govern. Therefore, in the second debate, we are putting forward a line-up of imaginary Democrats who, unlike the real Democrats, might be able to defeat the evil monster who will not even allow us to say what we are saying right now so that we are not saying it even though it sounds like we are and we are suffering terribly at his hands even though it looks as though we are standing in a comfortable studio in midtown Manhattan talking to an audience of six people whose connecting flight to Omaha has been delayed for two hours.”