Celebrity: I Take Responsibility For All The Rotten Stuff You’re Doing [Satire]

Sorry on computer keyboard
Peter Dazeley via Getty Images

A very sincere apology from a celebrity who has a lot more money than you and has not yet moved out of this crappy, overtaxed state.

I take responsibility.

I take responsibility for everything I’ve never done so that those who have done those things can continue to be irresponsible until they destroy their lives and then I don’t have to worry about them anymore.

I take responsibility for every social ill of the last seven centuries committed by anyone who looks vaguely like me by virtue of having a nose and eyes and being human and doing stuff that humans do to one another but now is somehow my fault because otherwise I’d have to tell you the truth about yourself and then you’d cancel me.

I take responsibility for the fact that you’re sticking a gun in my stomach and demanding all my cash, oh, and now you’re burning down a building and I take responsibility for that too if you’ll just take the gun out of my stomach and here’s my cash and please don’t kill me.

I take responsibility for the fact that no matter what I take responsibility for I’m going to have more money than you. In fact, I’m taking responsibility because it’s cheaper than telling the truth and allows me to keep more of the money I have more of than you, so I can blow this crappy state and leave you with no tax base so you’re screwed.

I take responsibility for every unfunny racial joke I never told, even though the ones I do tell are hilarious, like the one about an Italian, an Asian and a black guy who walk into a bar. But I won’t tell that joke here even though it really is hilarious. I’ll just tell it later when you’re not looking. And I take responsibility for that.

And mostly, I take responsibility for being a fatuous, virtue-signaling, useless, celebrity knucklehead. Which is a much better life than yours by the way. For which I take complete responsibility… and then run away before you realize I haven’t done a damn thing for you and your life still sucks.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Protesters Liberate Seattle From Civilization

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The Daily Wire   >  Read   >  Celebrity: I Take Responsibility For All The Rotten Stuff You’re Doing [Satire]