From around the world today, we’re receiving reports of the rapid-fire spread of a virus that transforms human beings into brain-eating zombies. According to witnesses from every corner of the globe, infected zombies are rampaging through city and countryside, attacking and biting unsuspecting passersby. After a count of twelve seconds, the victim is himself transformed into a walking corpse that is starved for human brains and can only be stopped by a bullet to the head.
The President of the United States was on vacation in Delaware and could not be reached for comment but was said to be carefully monitoring the situation between enjoying the occasional pistachio ice cream cone and quiet walks along the beach with his doctor wife. But White House Spokeswoman Karine Jean Identity Hire did address the D.C. press corps saying, “As a lesbian woman of color, I just want to say that our hearts go out to the zombie community today as they are under attack right now and really suffering. This president is committed to developing an across-the-board response to the rising tide of zombie-phobia along with the troubling trend of increasing gun violence.”
Some conservative outlets released what they claimed was a leaked zombie manifesto out of Nashville, Tennessee, which said in its entirety, “Must eat brains.” The Chief of Police in what used to be Nashville and is now just a seething hive of brain-eating zombies, responded to the manifesto release by announcing that he had begun a full investigation into who had leaked the document, and would suspend the animated corpse of anyone who was responsible. The Chief said “Making this manifesto public could do untold damage to the sensitivities of those whose brains have been eaten. Believe me when I say that things look very different when the manifesto is read in context and I will do everything within my power to make sure that never happens.” The rest of the Chief’s statement was cut short when he was swarmed and devoured.
Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib came under fire after reposting a statement on the social media platform X which some said was pro-zombie. The statement read, “Must eat brains.” In a tearful speech from the house floor, Congresswoman Tlaib said she was not calling for the extermination of humanity but had only intended to bring attention to the oppression and marginalization of a race of creatures who slaughtered everyone with whom they came in contact. Fellow Squad member Ayanna Presley rose to Tlaib’s defense, saying, “Words mean different things to different people and while for some the slogan ‘Must eat brains,’ might seem to call for certain death for billions of individuals, to others it’s merely a statement of solidarity with those colonized non-western cultures who want nothing more than certain death for billions of individuals.”
At Yale University, students took to the quad to demonstrate in favor of the zombie apocalypse led by the Ivy League organization “Brainy People Who Support Zombies Who Eat Our Brains.” Organization spokeswoman Molly Coddled explained her logic in an earsplitting voice made shrill by a level of hysterical feminine entitlement that made you just want to give her the smack she deserves, saying, “For too long, humans have colonized the lands that rightly belong to indigenous zombies who did not exist until twelve seconds ago. The plight of these zombies has been ignored simply because of the color of their skin, which of course is green, although it’s a little hard to make out under all the blood. But we are determined to stand with zombies as allies until every single one of us is devoured.”
News outlets throughout the world have been forced to cover the spreading zombie apocalypse with reporters whose brains have now been eaten, which hasn’t actually changed the quality of their journalism one bit. NBC News, for instance, reported on the “passionate but mostly peaceful” zombies currently rampaging through the Capitol building in Washington D.C. Interviewed by NBC in the rotunda, Congressman Adam Schiff said, “At least they’re not MAGA extremists. Also, must eat brains.”
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “When Christmas Comes” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
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The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.