In the latest irrelevant political news, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden did not attend this week’s U.N. Climate Crisis Conference because he’s been dead for six months and the whole climate thing is crap anyway. Making the announcement to what was either the White House Press Corps or a collection of animatronic Pirates of the Caribbean purchased at the Disney asset fire sale, presidential spokeswoman Karine Jean Identity Hire said, “Speaking as a black lesbian woman, I want to assure you that this is a president who would be fully engaged in this important issue if he were fully engaged and this were an important issue. As it is, the pressing business of pulling the rug out from under our allies in Ukraine and Israel is commanding what would be all of his attention if he were paying attention, speaking as a black lesbian woman.” The press corps responded by drunkenly chasing slave girls around the deck of a burning ship and repeatedly saying, “Arrrr” — as usual.
The late houseplant’s failure to show up at the U.N. Conference was greeted with anger by climate activists and other suckers. Mentally ill Swedish Girl Greta Thunberg took time off from calling for the slaughter of Jews to protest the president’s irrelevant inaction in an impassioned speech delivered to a gathering of her hallucinations. Thunberg said, “I’m very disappointed in the president’s remains. He must address this completely invented issue quickly before it develops into a totally imaginary crisis. The world is rapidly growing hotter or colder or whatever it’s supposed to be doing, and if this continues or stops or whatever it’s supposed to do next, we will soon be forced to find some other reason to be hysterical and hand over all our freedoms to faceless international bureaucrats or any of the other magical creatures who appear when I go off my meds.”
The anger over the lamented president’s failure to show up for the U.N.’s urgent gathering of corrupt and sinister grifters is only one of many rifts beginning to appear in the Democrat Party. Polls now show that younger Democrats are becoming disillusioned with the administration because they feel Biden just doesn’t hate Jews enough. The leader of Harvard’s Young Democrat Society, Adolf Jihad, speaking at a riot hosted by the university’s debate club, said, “We denounce the president’s support of genocide because he refuses to join Hamas in their stated mission to exterminate the Jewish people — so, okay, maybe we don’t exactly know what the word genocide means, but then, we’re Ivy Leaguers so total ignorance has never stopped us from holding insane opinions with absolute self-certainty.”
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Karine Jean Identity Hire sought to reassure the Nazi Harvard group, saying “Speaking as a black lesbian woman, I want to assure the Hitlerian half of the Democrat party, that the vocal support for Jews the president would be expressing if he were still with us will always be backed 100% by clandestine and insidious actions meant to undermine Israeli security and strengthen an Iranian nation bent on eradicating first the Jews and then the rest of us, speaking as a black lesbian woman who is speaking for a black homosexual man who is speaking to Anthony Blinken who is secretly running the government.”
Some Democrats fear that the divisions in their party could lower their chances of winning the next election because Biden is now so unpopular that even the mules may cast their packets of forged votes for someone else. But the fact is, the Republican Party is divided as well. Some Republicans, for instance, intend to vote for Donald Trump while others would prefer to shine a magic enlargement ray on Trump and blow him up to the size of Godzilla so he can crush Democrat cities beneath his enormous feet and then devour their inhabitants. Still other Republicans would like to vote for Trump first and then enlarge him so he can unleash his atomic heat ray breath and warm the planet until the rapidly decaying Biden is forced to go to the U.N. climate conference and stink the place up.
The Republicans hope these internal conflicts about Trump will be resolved in the next debate between Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available! Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.