In the latest irrelevant political news, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden did not attend this week’s U.N. Climate Crisis Conference because he’s been dead for six months and the whole climate thing is crap anyway. Making the announcement to what was either the White House Press Corps or a collection of animatronic Pirates of the Caribbean purchased at the Disney asset fire sale, presidential spokeswoman Karine Jean Identity Hire said, “Speaking as a black lesbian woman, I want to assure you that this is a president who would be fully engaged in this important issue if he were fully engaged and this were an important issue. As it is, the pressing business of pulling the rug out from under our allies in Ukraine and Israel is commanding what would be all of his attention if he were paying attention, speaking as a black lesbian woman.” The press corps responded by drunkenly chasing slave girls around the deck of a burning ship and repeatedly saying, “Arrrr” — as usual.
The late houseplant’s failure to show up at the U.N. Conference was greeted with anger by climate activists and other suckers. Mentally ill Swedish Girl Greta Thunberg took time off from calling for the slaughter of Jews to protest the president’s irrelevant inaction in an impassioned speech delivered to a gathering of her hallucinations. Thunberg said, “I’m very disappointed in the president’s remains. He must address this completely invented issue quickly before it develops into a totally imaginary crisis. The world is rapidly growing hotter or colder or whatever it’s supposed to be doing, and if this continues or stops or whatever it’s supposed to do next, we will soon be forced to find some other reason to be hysterical and hand over all our freedoms to faceless international bureaucrats or any of the other magical creatures who appear when I go off my meds.”
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