Warning: The following contains satirical quotes that read very much like non-satirical quotes by a man who may or may not have passed or failed cognitive tests.
Presumptive former Democratic President Joe Biden is laughing off the idea that he needs to take a cognitive test to see if that stuff dribbling out of the side of his mouth could be his brains.
Speaking to an imaginary interviewer who had him trapped in a corner of his basement, Biden said, “Come on, man! I can pass a cognitive test as easily as blooging a phalderone — or you know that thing whatever it is that you do whenever you can do something really easily like passing whatever it is we were just talking about.”
“But maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll have to ask my wife,” he added. “Now why don’t you just disappear back into my mind and stop asking me all these questions?”
The issue arose after Biden made yet another racial gaffe, this time telling a reporter for NPR that black people all think the same way.
Later Biden issued a correction saying, “Come on, man! When I said black people all think the same way, I didn’t mean they all think the same way, I just meant it was hard for me to tell which one of them was speaking because they all look so much alike, except the ones who won’t vote for me cause they ain’t black and that tricky way they change color makes me suspect they’re up to something. Or maybe that’s the Jews, I can’t remember, cause they look pretty similar too.”
“But the point is: someone is definitely conspiring against me, and when I’m president, believe you me, I’m going to get on my elephant and track them down,” he explained. “Or maybe that’s not an elephant. I’m a little confused because I was taking one of those cognitive tests and, boy oh boy, it was harder than blooging a phalderone.”
While Biden continues his search for a vice president — reportedly narrowing it down to the Communist, the Nasty Communist and the Liar — his campaign announced Tuesday that it was Kamala Harris, a decision the campaign said it will inform the Vice President about when they get around to it sometime next week. Biden had promised to choose quickly so people would know who they’re actually voting for.
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