Biden Proposes Seven Trillion Dollars In Spending On You Know The Thing [Satire]

American actor Jesse Eisenberg holding a Pooh Bear toy given by fans is seen on June 30, 2018 in Shanghai, China. (Photo by Visual China Group via Getty Images)
Visual China Group via Getty Images

The following is satirical, though it features a person the author suspects is an invention of his imagination but is in fact real.

Joe Biden has announced that if he is elected president, he will call for seven trillion dollars in new spending on some damn thing or other.

In a speech delivered to a cobweb that had developed between a corner of the basement ceiling and his forehead, Biden announced the bold plan entitled, “Marching Toward a Brave You Know the Thing.”

Biden told a passing pair of legs at the basement window that the enduring problems caused by systemic whatever have caused a continued decline in America’s ability to do that stuff he’d been talking about before his attention drifted last week or maybe it was back in March.

Biden said he wasn’t willing to settle for the sort of small measures that had been used by that other guy or even the guy before him or maybe it was after him because he was no longer sure which guy he’d been talking about but it was the one who took the small measures that he wasn’t willing to settle for in order to cure whatever problem it was he’d been addressing.

And while new spending of seven trillion dollars would definitely mean a large rise in taxes that would bring the economy to a standstill, it would be worth it for the change it would bring about in the absolutely crucial area that he may have been referring to unless he meant something else.

Biden said he hoped to spend at least four of the seven trillion dollars on day one of his presidency before his nap.

In later remarks to a stain on the basement wall that sometimes looked like a spider and other times seemed more to resemble those elephant-like nightmares from the Winnie-the-Pooh stories, Biden said he would continue to be his own man unless he was someone else’s and would not be pressured to do anything he remembered not wanting to do unless he forgot and did it anyway.

The news media hailed the new spending plan, saying it would be terrific by the time they were finished with it.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: CNN Publishes List Of Everyday Words That Might Be Deemed Racist By CNN

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