Standing in a cornfield yesterday, Joe Biden blamed Donald Trump for the weather. And yes, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you Klavan-like master of Klavanian wit, your satiric humor stands at such a pinnacle of human creation, you can only be compared to yourself so that your image in our minds enters an infinite regress of self-reflection and all things seem to become at once Klavan and the satire of Klavan as written by Klavan about Klavan.”
And sure, I appreciate whatever it is you’re trying to say, but in fact, I am not making this up. Standing in a cornfield yesterday, speaking to an audience that was all ears, Joe Biden said — and this is a real quote: “Donald Trump’s climate denial may not have caused these fires and record floods and record hurricanes, but if he gets a second term, these hellish events will continue to become more common, more devastating and more deadly.”
In a clarification issued later by a sentient human being, the Biden campaign explained that there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for why Biden was standing in a cornfield, and it had to do with his ongoing search for the guy who was turned into a jack-in-the-box and banished to that field by Billy Mumy in the famous Twilight Zone episode.
The clarification went on to explain that when Biden blamed Trump for the weather, it was only because he remembered the old days when skies were blue and there was calm upon the face of the waters, and peace reigned in the garden and God saw that it was good. But then, Orange Man Bad arose in the east like a blood-red moon and weather came, and the winds blew and the waters rose and death was over all the earth and the tears of an Indian Chief fell because of the litter and the people were sad.
After his speech, Biden continued his search for the jack-in-the-box guy and has not been seen since.
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